|
pardon my invisible tears
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 21 2009 07:52 PM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
hello.... i just need to rant a bit.
now, i told you all that i dont show emotion exept happienes, and anger, i cant cry. but i can feal like crying.... im crying in my mind rite now. but nothing is in my eyes.
the reson for this? tonight is "evning of exilence" see, i cant even spell it! (but i cant spell much of anything.... now can i?) my mom makes me go to this thing called "young womans" and we meet every week and do somthing ""FUN"" fun? no. its everything BUT fun!
i am EXPECTED to speek there! everyone is so loud, and i cant understand anything because i have auditory pressesing dysorder, and when more then 2 people talk loudly at the same time, i feel like my ears die and i get so overwhelmed. people expect me, the shyest, least trusting girl to love everyone and trust everyone and talk to everyone, "NO! I AM NOT GOING TO SPEEK!" is what i screem in my mind while they qitely awate my answer to some personal question.
when i go there, i never am able to express my creativity. and all the people who think really in the box are always the ones getting praised for there "creativity" 
so i just sit in my corner and the teachers ger really mad cuz im not participateing, and then they all flock over and say "why arnt you doing this?" or "why cant you just do it like the rest of us?" and stuff like that.
anyway, "evning of exilance" the subject of this rant. when you go into young womans, you get a couple books. you are expected to fill out thos books by doing lame projects and writeing stuff. guess what? they told me i didnt HAVE to if i didnt want to, and then i figure out that, EVERYTHING THEY DO IS SENTERED AROUND FILLING OUT THOS STUPID BOOKS! 
so toninight, i have to go to evning of exilance wich is where we tell everyone (the WHOLE ENTIRE CHURCH) what we have acomplished. so, you ask, what have i acomplished? NOTHING! because they told me i didnt have to, but even if i had to, i wouldnt remember that i would have to do it and blow it off anyway.
i also have to get up and sing a song i dont know. i would know it, but i couldnt read the words on the page. they wer to small and moved to much. and even if i could reed it, i couldnt memorise it! so what will i do? nothing. i will just stand there embarased to death and wait for something to happen.
there are so many more resons i hate it..... like, they make fun of my dyslexia, and my dyscalculia, and my auditory prossesing dysorder. so many resons.... i get so depressed after i go there. i turn into a jerk because theres just so much anger bilt up inside me and i act like its my familys fault. but it kinda is in a way i guess..... my moms the one who makes me go... oh hear i go again. blameing everyone who happens to pop into my mind.
sorry... i just want to let that out of my system.... teeco  |
| |
|
|
| Bev |
Posted on October 21 2009 08:33 PM
|
Member
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 29
Joined: 2009-10-21
|
Hun, I think you should make your mum a recording or write her a letter to tell her exactly what you are going through on a daily basis. How this makes you feel, how much you want to take part but cannot but are still valuable in other assets.
Maybe your mum should hear part of what you have posted (I can see you are angry but out of love you go every week).
However you address it, you don't have to be confrontational, just be honest sweetie but with love. You might even have to repeat your message several times but it will be heard eventually. For your mum it's alot to take in, for you it's frustration she hasn't yet taken it in! Take time on both sides but in my opinion (I'm not qualified, just being honest from life experiences), you both need to take your time.
You are NOT a jerk, by any means, never ever think or believe that. Your Anger is your release, you just need to re-direct that energy in a way your mother can start to comprehend what you feel and suffer on a daily basis.
In the meantime have you looked up what support groups are available in your area? You do not have to feel isolated at all, help is always out there. I will help if you want, PM me your approximate location (not address or direct, that is your private matter) and I will do my best to research and look up places of support for you, I promise.
Take care,
Bev
The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. ~Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition |
| |
|
|
| justfoundout |
Posted on October 21 2009 09:14 PM
|
Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6101
Joined: 2008-05-25
|
10/21/09
Dear Teeco,
I didn't know that this was happening to you. (BTW, Bev, Teecobug is 13,... do I have this right, Teeco?)
Something similar happened to me a time or two when I was about your age, and your post has 'brought back' those memories. I was at a nice 'family type' party. In the backyard, there was good lighting, and the kids were all playing games,... running, eating ice cream, and having a generally 'good time'. I had to go inside the house, into the living room area (don't remember 'why'). There, the grown-ups were playing 'word games'. When I tried to leave that room, someone said, "No, you can't leave until you answer a question, too." He may have been just trying to 'include' me in the activity, or maybe 'liven' up the game,... I don't know. But I got asked, in front of all those adults, a rather 'easy' Bible question. I wasn't very 'well informed' at the time. (I've learned a lot more since then, as I really do love Bible knowledge.) So, I got the answer wrong. I was very embarrased. It was something that many children even younger than me would have known the answer to, but their parents probably gave them more 'one on one' teaching than I had received, and at their own age level. Actually, I probably even knew answers to 'harder' questions, but I didn't know the 'bedtime reading' story-book type answers, because I wasn't given this kind of attention. I vaguely recall that there was laughter at my answer. I never tried to talk to anyone about it, and no one ever tried to talk to me about it. I went back out into the backyard and made 'mental note' to stay away from the living room at parties!
Years later, I read an article about what to do for 'fun' at Christian gatherings. It mentioned that it wasn't a good idea to have this sort of 'question and answer' Games, since it was the 'new ones' and the 'young ones' who woud most likely get the answer wrong. I mean 'duh-h-h', yes! Reading that made me feel a little better. It was really an 'ill thought out' idea to have that as a 'fun game'!
I don't know how you might be able to explain your feelings to your parents. But I just want you to know that I do understand some of the 'dynamics' of being asked to do something that others think is just a 'barrel of laughs' only to find yourself continually the 'butt of the joke'. - jus'
Edited by justfoundout on October 21 2009 09:19 PM |
| |
|
|
| Bev |
Posted on October 21 2009 09:22 PM
|
Member
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 29
Joined: 2009-10-21
|
[quote]justfoundout wrote:
10/21/09
Dear Teeco,
I didn't know that this was happening to you. (BTW, Bev, Teecobug is 13,... do I have this right, Teeco?)
I wasn't aware of his/her age but I stand by saying I'll do what I can, even if that's just being a listener or helping with outside optional support.
I like you Jus, you are a really cool person 
The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. ~Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition |
| |
|
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 21 2009 09:31 PM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
hey guys!
im fealing a little less depressed after a talk with xorthon.... but now my mind is relizing its less then a half hour away....
bev, thank you, you are very nice, and im going to go read your intro after this.
i think listening is the best thing out of your options that you could do, you dont have to listen to my whineing though 
jus, i learned never to be around grown people at parties about 4 years ago.... id rather stick to the little ones who dont know what the word "question" means 
yup, you got it rite. im 13.... unless something happend to alter time and space and i was compleatly oblivios. 
~teeco  |
| |
|
|
| Bev |
Posted on October 21 2009 10:13 PM
|
Member
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 29
Joined: 2009-10-21
|
Teeco,
It's NOT whineing at all, you have every right to voice how you feel as I do. Thats what these forums are here for and I can see that Jus has your best interests too. My son is 13 and I'd not like him to feel he cannot be around grown people, if anything I have to shoo him away before he tells embarrasing stories about me - trust me, there's plenty hahaha!
My daughter is almost 10 years old, just incase you was wondering, Im also a step mum of two other boys (my fiance's) aged 9 & 8 and just about a step grandma (at the grand age of 34, or will be) to a step-daughter of 20 and step-son of 18. Ma Walton eat ya heart out!
I just want you to know, if you need to vent, go ahead, it's no problem
Well, I will log out now, I've only been on here for most of the day lol, take care to all, but thank you all for your warm welcomes.
all the very best,
Bev
The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. ~Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition |
| |
|
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 21 2009 10:21 PM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
hello again!
i didnt have to leave as soon as i thought.... so a could have made something longer on your intro, bev. wow! all those children and step children would make me feal so old! but your not old, dont worrie!
so.... when i get upset i like to write poems... i guess i will share this one.
Don’t make me go, ill hate you so.
It will hurt me, even just to see.
You will have to drag me out the door, but I wont let you past more.
You will have to push me into the car, then stick me in tar.
You will have to Pull me to the place, gard me with a mace.
Kill me because I will not stay, not even if you pay!
Don’t make me go!
i love poetry..... teeco
|
| |
|
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 21 2009 10:25 PM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
ok, since i posted my other poem, i just HAVE to share my favorate one.... its really sad. i just had a dream of a battle, and so at 1:35 in the morning i snuck out and wrote this poem to get it out of my head.
Drops of blood to build a flood.
thos who came awarded with fame.
There familys mourn, there hearts torn.
There boys slain, oh, such pain…
Beneath there feat, a dark red sheet.
The noise of battle grew in there ears, they knew there would be meny more tears.
They terned to cry, there child would die.
depressing, isnt it? teeco |
| |
|
|
| Bev |
Posted on October 21 2009 10:40 PM
|
Member
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 29
Joined: 2009-10-21
|
I have so so SO many friends who would love your literacy and imagination skills, YES REALLY!!! WOW!!!! The grammer and language you use is a real credit to you.
I have to admit I am not religious at all but I have to admit if I have to quote anything like a poem and it's not mine but, this is it:
Footprints
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from His life.
For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand.
One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it.
LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you!
During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
One of my best friends (male) was fighting for custody of his kids and I printed him this, he won and years later, they are a very happy family and he's just married!
Poetry carries you through life, just as music does. I'm a musican so music carries me, if poetry carry's you, you no doubt have a talent, keep going girl!
Edited by Bev on October 21 2009 10:43 PM
The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. ~Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition |
| |
|
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 21 2009 11:24 PM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
wow, thanks bev! that was really pretty!
oh no.... now i really have to go.... |
| |
|
|
| Kestrel6 |
Posted on October 22 2009 01:36 AM
|
Member
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 448
Joined: 2009-08-26
|
teecobug wrote:
ok, since i posted my other poem, i just HAVE to share my favorate one.... its really sad. i just had a dream of a battle, and so at 1:35 in the morning i snuck out and wrote this poem to get it out of my head. teeco
LOL me too! I keep a pencil and a sheet of staff paper by the bed because some of my best tunes come to me in the wee hours of the morning! Guess we're just geniuses or somethin'!
Blessed are the PURR in heart! |
| |
|
|
| Kestrel6 |
Posted on October 22 2009 01:39 AM
|
Member
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 448
Joined: 2009-08-26
|
Bev wrote:
Hun, I think you should make your mum a recording or write her a letter to tell her exactly what you are going through on a daily basis. How this makes you feel, how much you want to take part but cannot but are still valuable in other assets.
That's pretty much it; you just gotta TELL 'em what's going on. Spell it out for 'em.
When you read, try reading through a colored sheet of plastic; sometimes that makes the words quit jumpin'. Yellow, blue, or red.
Blessed are the PURR in heart! |
| |
|
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 22 2009 05:30 AM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
thanks kestrel! a couple of people have told me about it, i have yet to try, colord paper seems to do the same as coloring the words, wich i have tryd
i should start keeping paper up there.... i wont have to sneek around anymore and be scared to death when my dog jumps out infront of me in the darkness
anyway, i went and hated it. the only reson im happy now is cuz i went down in the basment and jamed on the guitar wich really let out some anger.
teeco |
| |
|
|
| RottieWoman |
Posted on October 22 2009 01:31 PM
|
Member
Location: No value
Posts: 3037
Joined: 2008-12-31
|
teeco, I LOVE your poems! And am sorry about your experience at meeting :-(
How are you today? |
| |
|
|
| RottieWoman |
Posted on October 22 2009 01:31 PM
|
Member
Location: No value
Posts: 3037
Joined: 2008-12-31
|
hi there, Bev, kestrel and jus'
|
| |
|
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 22 2009 07:30 PM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
hello rottie!
im fine today, well, this morning i wasnt.....
but i got up and felt like i needed to play starlight. so i did. then we had math club so a bunch of friends came over (including xorthon) and i loved it! ...... exept when my brother started trying to hit me with bouncy balls.... that was a bit scary.....
teeco |
| |
|
|
| RottieWoman |
Posted on October 22 2009 07:50 PM
|
Member
Location: No value
Posts: 3037
Joined: 2008-12-31
|
teeco, am glad you feel better now, I can see why those bouncy balls would be scary...what do you do in math club? do your friends live near you?
what are your weekend plans?
hugs
me |
| |
|
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 22 2009 08:35 PM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
rottie
we look at patterns in numbers and shapes, last year we did sircles, this year its squares! me and my mom started math club because we found a fun way of doing it, so we invited a couple of people and now its a club
sadly, im basicaly the only girl there. i mean, theres are others, but there all like.... 8 or 9 and dont really hang out with the 12 to 14 year olds. our friend live kinda close... not really close but not really far so im not sure.....
planes for the weakend, um... im leaving tomarow until monday to idaho where i can visit my grandfather at his potato farm and watch all the harvesting. so basicaly i will be outside ethert helping with the sorting of potatos or maybe in the corn harvester matchine.... i dont know. something like that.
teeco |
| |
|
|
| Xorthon |
Posted on October 23 2009 03:00 PM
|
Member
Location: somewhere..............
Posts: 81
Joined: 2009-10-15
|
hello everybody!!
math club is the best thing that has ever happened to me......
rottie
bouncy balls can be like cannonballs if someone's hitting them with a golf club towards you.....
luckly we had shields.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do. - Confucius
Xorthon |
| |
|
|
| teecobug |
Posted on October 23 2009 05:46 PM
|
Member
Location: whats it matter? i wanna be elsewhere.
Posts: 240
Joined: 2009-03-30
|
xorthon,
we wer so lucky with the chairs! i cant imagine how much it would hurt if we got hit!
brainwasher, teeco |
| |
|
