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Just wanting to rant and rave about my depression and for no-one to listen
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| Laura |
Posted on January 18 2010 12:28 AM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Ok so you all know who and what I am. You would have read my recent posts.
Anyways I am just chilling before my bed time. I have been feeling ok but now I am like ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
I won't go into too much detail as I really can't be bothered if I am being honest.
My folks well my Mum is bugging the life out of me- she is watching me like a hawlk and wants to knwo who I am speaking to when I am typing or get a text etc. She is really doing my nut in. She watches me all the time. WHY?!!? Oh I get it cause I am gorgeous heehee!!!
Its like I can't do anything by myself and need babysat. I am in a bit of debt with the bank and my Mum told me my Sister will come to bacnk with me tomorrow- why?? Oh yes her words were in case I need her. I am nearly 25 years old. I am not a kid. I do not need babysat. I am sick of being underminded.
I was always being underminded at work and not taken seriously. People just don't listen to me either. Why would they I know nothing apparently.
I am in a weird mood, I am going through my annoyed stage. I was happy(ish) this afternoon and then I started getting lower and lower. Gonna head to my flat tomorrow. Can't be bothered being scrutinzied. People may think I am just being paranoid- maybe I am. But come on there is only so much I can take.
I am still in contact with the samaritians. They are talking about my depressive mood and all that jazz. Why is it I am better at speaking to people through writing than through face:face. I was not keen on seeing a counsellor as I am such a nervous/shy person. But it was ok. Amazing how much you speak about in an hour. You are on a buzz afterwards. All you want to do is keep talking. It was slow to start with and I was so ill before she came I was that nervous. Luckily she came to my flat since I don't drive and she is based in another town. I am only with her because my work provides a counselling session for free. But as you will be aware I haven't seen her in a month.
Tomorrow is the new boss at work. A bit nervous and worred about her knowning about me. Think it was better when I knew my manager but obviosuly she is new so god knows.
All my friends are worried about me, my friends who is now 1 of my bos's I have 4 btw!!! was texting our mutual friends and was worried and wanted to speak about me. That made me paranoid btw!!! Why would people be wanting to talk about me. But as my friend said they are all just worried about me.
I want to just go away(suicidal or just wanting break?) I am talking to The Samaritians as my friend and I were both worried in case I did something stupid. I don't think I would but the fact I tried to commit suicide once before we are a wee bit worried. I am staying at my foolks house on orders from my GP who thinks I need to be safe. This is the second time she has advised me to stay at my folks. My folks don't know this however, they think I just wanted to stay over.
I have had so many different moods/zones or whatever you want to call them. I thought I would just go to the doc's I got my diagnoisied, got a tablet and that would be me sorted. How wrong could I be. No-one told me I would feel like a pile of poo!! No-one told me I would have thoughts of suicide, I haven't felt like self harming. I did self harm when I was younger I stopped when I was 20. I don't cut or anything. I am more for the hitting etc of myself. F@@@ how screwed up do I sound. Bloody hell.
Sorry for ranting and talking and moanig and groaning and whatever else I am doing. Just needing an outlet kinda
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 18 2010 01:11 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/17/10
Dear Laura,
Hello again! I once had a job that required me to stay with a whole roomful of ladies that I was supposed to 'watch' constantly. They were actually quite pleasant. I realize now that they were probably all 'medicated', so no wonder they were so 'pleasant'. ;-) I was even required to knock and then enter the restroom if anyone stayed in there over just a few minutes. There were times that I felt that I wasn't really needed there, and that my job duties were surely an 'exageration', but then other times (when I'd knock and there was no immediate answer), I'd wonder if I was really even up to the task, as it was a huge responsibility. Having had this job experience myself, maybe your parents are just 'inexperienced' in this role of 'watching you'. Do you think it's possible that your GP has called them and told them to 'watch you'? Maybe they are just feeling unequipped for this new 'role'? - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on January 18 2010 01:26 AM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just,
No my GP wouldn't do that as (a) I am over the age of 16 years old ( That would be breaking patient confidentiality and (c) I don't live with my parents so they would not have their number.
I know, I am probably just being paranoid. God I would have hated what you had to do. The women must have felt like their privacy was being vilated all the time.
I am just shouting off, just ignore me.
Ps Hello again 
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 18 2010 02:00 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/17/10
Dear Laura,
So, people over 16 get 'confidenciality' there? Okay. I was in much need of a job at the time,... any job. I think that it 'showed' that I wished that I didn't have to invade their privacy. One older lady who I had to 'walk in on' was actually very nice to me about it, as though trying to make me feel better about what I was having to do. It was a 'temporary' job. It's funny how I've had so many jobs that I can almost forget I've had them, until I read something like what you posted, and then it comes back to me. I think that that job was difficult to me because I do better at a job where I'm focused on some kind of task, rather than just having to stay 'in general' aware of my surroundings. - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on January 18 2010 02:45 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just,
Ye over 16's have confidentiality at the Doctor's etc.
Awe I know you were just doing your job, but the women you had to "look in on" must have been like "go away". Breaching privacy rules etc was obviously part of your job to keep the women safe. So I am sure they can forgive you
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 18 2010 05:06 PM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/18/10
"Good morning, Laura"! No, the lady was actually very nice to me about it, as though trying to make me feel better about what I was having to do. When people are under this kind of care, then it isn't a breach of privacy rules to check on them, everywhere they go. I just made sure that I didn't go beyond what was necessary to keep them safe.
How are you today? Are you having nice enough weather to go outside for some fresh air? - jus' |
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| CheshireKat |
Posted on January 18 2010 05:24 PM
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Member
Location: United States
Posts: 1860
Joined: 2008-11-14
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Laura - It's always nice to have a place to just spill out all of those feelings, isn't it?
Jus - I can see how that would be an emotionally taxing job. But you were doing a good thing... you were helping to keep those women safe from themselves, which they really needed at that point.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer |
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| Laura |
Posted on January 18 2010 05:46 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just,
I know we have to do that in work too incase the guys are having an epileptic seizure etc. Sometimes you do feel like your intruding but it has to be done and the guys are use to it as this has happened most if not all their lives.
I am feeling better today. Better than my previous days. I did acually go out today. I had to go to the bank as I am in a wee bit of debt from them. So I cancelled my gym membership and also Cancer Research as I just don't have the money to give them. I will in time go back and give them money but at the moment its a no. I got the bus to bank but walked back it was a half hour walk so that's fine. I am just stressing all the time at the moment and I just don't know where to start. So I have a bank appointment tomorrow turns out things for me regarding money will be ok from what I can see. My account apparently has a minimum interest rate so if I do go onto my overdraft then its only pennies I have to pay instead of pounds. Which is a weight off my shoulders. I felt "phew" when I heard that.
CheshireKat,
Ye I am justing letting it all out, thats all I seem to do now is just let it all out. Between my journals, friends, you guys, the samaritians- all I am doing is letting it all out
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 18 2010 06:10 PM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/18/10
Dear Laura,
I'm glad that the bank had a 'provision' for you. As for charities, under these circumstances, you have to take care of yourself first. There's a woman here in the US who writes about women, and how women take care of Finance. Her name is Suse Orman. She says that, for example, single moms will ask her about 'putting back money for their children's college fund',... and that they'll be trying to 'save' for their children's college education when the single mom isn't even able to pay her current bills. She says that women, in general, try so hard to take care of other people that they fail to take care of themselves. I think that you definitely did the right thing, cancelling that 'charitable contribution'. Taking care of 'yourself' now is the right priority. - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on January 18 2010 07:45 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hye Just,
Ye defo have to start lookign after myself financially. I am so low on cash that its unreal. As I have been off for so long I will only get under my normal wage, plus I ahven't done any over time nor night shifts which are all extra money. So defo looking after myself this time. I can donate to charity when I get my finances sorted. Plus I still do my voluntray work so I still do stuff for charity
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 19 2010 02:29 PM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/19/10
Dear Laura,
I know,... it's hard to take this kind of financial advice. It's doing things for other people that make us happy, so we have to keep doing some of those things. But we also have to look out for ourselves,.... filling out forms and filing them for the benefits we qualify for,... looking up classes and government financial support, so that we can earn more in less time. Otherwise, we'll be the 'charity case', and we won't have the money to be the benefactors to the people who need help. Does the charity work that you do at least provide you with something good to put on your resume? - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on January 19 2010 09:02 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just,
Ye I am happy doing my volunteering so I guess that's it.
I went to the bank and now feel like I am getting somewhere. The woman was great. She looked interested in what I had to say etc.
I had an awful night last night. I had thoughts of suicide. Thinking of ways and things to do to just "end" ir. I feel better today kinda. I am back in the flat now. 1st night since Saturday. My counsellor contacted me- well I missed her call. Waiting on her calling me back or texting. I am pretty messed up at the moment. My friends say I am refusing to admit there is a problem, I am ignoring the fact that I am unwell and need mentally trained professionals, I am "masking" my problems and that I am unwilling to help myself!!
This is not all true. As my friend said I am covering up as I did to begin with and not wanting to realise there is a problem. I am feeling helpless and just want to give up who cares anymore
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| CheshireKat |
Posted on January 19 2010 10:11 PM
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Member
Location: United States
Posts: 1860
Joined: 2008-11-14
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Laura - I've been there. I used to drive around in the rural area on the outskirts of town just looking at trees. Looking at how big they were, how thick, how tall, how many trees were around them. I would look at the curve in the road and the amount of traffic. I would think about whether or not I could build up enough speed to successfully kill myself on impact, swerving my side of the car into the tree just in time to make it look like an accident so my family wouldn't feel like they could have prevented it. If they knew it was a suicide it would destroy them, but if it was an accident then it could be "God's will" and maybe they could move on more easily.
As you can see, I put a lot of thought into it. I also used to walk by myself in the middle of the night through the shady parts of town where I used to live, hoping someone would snatch me up, take me somewhere, and kill me. That way it wouldn't be suicide and I could still get into heaven, because I had a very strong fear of killing myself and going to hell because of it. I thought I had found a loophole - if I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, then it's not my fault, right? Wrong. God knows the intentions of my heart, so putting myself intentionally in a bad situation is just as bad as doing it to myself.
What I'm saying is that I understand being there and thinking so hard about it, planning it out step by step. It doesn't mean you're too far gone for help. And, "who cares anymore"? Seriously? Obviously all of your friends care since they're bothering you about not accepting your problem. Obviously your family cares because they had you living in their house so they could keep a safe eye on you. Obviously your counselor cares about you since she called and left a message, trying to get a hold of you so she can see you and help you through this.
If you feel like you're going to hurt yourself, then I strongly suggest you do the smart thing and go BACK to your parents' house, or even the hospital. Sometimes we need to take a break from life for a little while to get our head set on straight again. Maybe you need to take a few days in an inpatient facility to get things sorted out, to get yourself in a safe frame of mind again. There's no shame in that - depression is an illness just like any physical illness. If you were having trouble with your heart, and it was threatening your life, wouldn't you go to the hospital and stay there until the doctors could figure out what was wrong and start treatment for it? Don't assume your psyche is any less important than your body.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer |
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| Laura |
Posted on January 19 2010 10:22 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey ChestshireKat,
My folks don't know the reason behind me staying at their's. They just thought I wanted to. I have never disclosed the fact that I am having suicidal thoughts. I know I am just being silly as I know people care etc, its just I don't know if I can do it for my sanity really- being self-fish. I know my friends are being friends and looking out for me. I am just BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 20 2010 01:28 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/19/10
Hi Laura. I've been gone from home all day. I filled out a form to request a scholarship, and then drove up to my college campus to turn it in myself. I didn't want to wait for the mail. It takes too long. I think that I have a good chance of getting this scholarship. It's really a bit amusing, so I'll tell you about it. This is a scholarship that requires you to have an LD to get it. But only Financial Aid knows about the scholarship, not the Counselors. And, Financial Aid doesn't know 'who has an LD'. Hahahaha So, basically, it's a scholarship that's just sitting there waiting for 'me' to apply for it, as those who know about the scholarship don't know who to give it to, and those who know about LD's don't know about the scholarship. Lovely!
I"m sorry that you've had another difficult day. Anyone can have an 'errant thought'. Just please don't 'dwell' on it. All kinds of thoughts can fly through our minds. This is just due to our human imperfection. Having a thought doesn't mean that you will act on that thought. Nevertheless, I'd feel a lot better if you'd go back and stay with your parents for a while, as Kat had suggested. Do you have some 'handiwork project' to work on? Do you knit? Or you might learn Origami. You can probably look up this word with Google and find out how to fold plain paper to make 'birds', 'ships', and 'flowers'. Asians value this skill. They make small gifts out of folded paper,... like we might call a 'party favor'. I know that these are just 'my tastes', not yours. But, I wanted to give you an idea of something to pass the time that won't keep your parents in a constant state of 'alert', as I know that this is distressing for you while you stay with them.
Sometimes friends lack patience. Yes, they 'care'. But they don't realize how very long it can take for a mood to dissipate. So, please don't start feeling like you've 'let anyone down' by not feeling. suddenly. happy as a chipmunk. - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on January 20 2010 10:12 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Today has been a good day, very little dwelling, cry etc/ Actually only cried due to watching a sad weepy dvd
This has been the 1st day I havn't been o my folks house. I haven't been as although I am still not over what it was that was bugging me hence feeling all the above I am doing ok. Fair enough I got very little sleep again. I have took my meds at 630pm hoping it will kick in soon. Wide awake and its 10:10pm.
Have a wee busy day tomorrow, have to call a community centre for work(I have asked my friend to give me something to do as I am not exactly doing "work" I am juts helping her out) and also meeting my friend for tea. Thats about it.
Quite tired today, body all tired and sore like I have been walking for hours and now am too tired to go further.
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 21 2010 12:30 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/20/10
Dear Laura,
I'm glad that you've had a more 'normal' day today. Do you still have two more weeks of vacation time? When you say that you are meeting your friend for tea, do you really mean that you'll drink 'tea', or is that just an expression meaning that you'll have a snack and something to drink with your friend? What kind of jobs do they want people to do at the community centre? I've sent you communication through another medium. You'll be seeing it soon, if you haven't already seen it. ;-)
- jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on January 21 2010 12:49 AM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just,
Sorry tea is a Dundonian word(my dialect) tea meand dinner. I have 2 more wks off being sick and then 1wk of holiday and then I am back to work. So 3 wks off "technically". I have to phone the cimmunity centre for one of my guys who is possibly interested ina cookery class which is ran there as of next wk.
Thanks for that Just,
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 21 2010 01:06 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/20/10
Hi Laura,
Oh, that's good that the people who you take care of are eligible for taking classes (like that cooking class). That must go a long ways toward cheering them up. So 'tea' means 'dinner'. And now that you've answered that question, you've also given me another question. ;-) You say that Dundonian is your dialect. Is it this a type of English? - jus' |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on January 21 2010 01:10 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6102
Joined: 2008-05-25
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1/20/10
Oh! I just went off to Google your 'dialect'. How darling! It's Scottish. And look at this tea towel that they sell to tourists, so we can learn to speak like the Dundonians. - jus'
http://www.scotsl.../view/1205
Edited by justfoundout on January 21 2010 04:58 AM |
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