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Hey guys!!
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| Laura |
Posted on October 18 2010 11:42 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Guys,
Sorry not been on here in a wee while. My depression has been back with a vengance. I am seeing my Psych for a final diagnoisis on 27th October. I am at the moment on week 2 of going cold turkey- GP's orders. Not been having the greatest of times.
Off work for 1 wk's holiday :-D Happy Days :-D
Work has been mad. I am fullfilling my Key Worker role well kinda. Got a long way to go. Work is actually good.
I have been back at work for 5 months on 25th October. Mad times.
I am in the process of seeing a new Counsellor. I only get 6-8 sessions. Session 3 today (Tuesday)
Oh and the best news I have had in a long time is.... I havea boyfriend :-D HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Mania and Depression have their days. I am on mixed episodes at the moment. Been on mixed episodes for 1 week now. I am just tired more than anything else.
Anyways just thought I would pop by and say HELLO!!!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 19 2010 12:25 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/18/10
I'm so glad that you did, Laura. I'd been thinking about you for a few days, but hoping that 'no news is good news', I didn't want to say something like,... "hey, aren't you needing to 'talk' or anything?" Cold turkey? So, the Psych wants to see the 'real you', without the meds covering up any symptoms? That sounds like a good approach to me. He/she probably wants to do his/her own assessment, starting with a 'clean slate' so that everything shows up clearly. Stay with it, as this sounds like a person who just wants to 'get it right' for you this time.
It makes me smile that you have a boyfriend and are happy. That's what I want for you. Only do remember this, please,... if for any reason, at any time, he looses interest or wanders off, remember that there will be someone who will see you for the caring, lovely girl that you are. I want your happiness to go on and on. And maybe this time, he will be the 'right one'. - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on October 19 2010 01:36 AM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just,
Awe thank you for thinking about me :-D
Cold turkey is tough!!! Really feeling more ill off meds than on them. Catch 22. Ye my GP wants my Psych to see the real me rather than the medicated me. Which I guess makes sense. She says my Psych has only seen me medicated so here's hoping I am "mad" when I see him next week. My GP does care about me. We had a nice conversation when I last saw her. I really like her.
He is amazing. His name is Andrew and I met him on a bipolar website. Yes he has bipolar too. Only problem is he lives in America :-D Long distances. I am planning on going to see him next year. We have only been properly speaking for a week. But I have been speaking to him via posts for a wee while. I love him so much :-D
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 19 2010 04:20 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/18/10
You'll be searching the internet for the cheapest time of year to travel here, and saving your money for the tickets. You'll be tired when you arrive, but the worst jet lag will be when you get back to the UK. You'll just 'konk out', every time your head hits the pillow for about 24 hours after your arrival. Did you say that you've been to the US before? You do have a friend or relative here, don't you? - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on October 22 2010 01:36 AM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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SCRAP WHAT I HAVE SAID
I NO LONGER HAVE A BOYFRIEND...... HE DUMPED ME. YIP THAT'S RIGHT. WHY DO I BOTHER.
I haven't been doing too good since I wrote my last post above. I have been hurting myself, feeling really depressed and generally feeling like my old self of depression. I had a hard session with my Counsellor on Tuesday and since then its been a hard week. I have really been trying to ignore the signs. I want to just be someone
Well I guess I will never know what it feels like to be loved. No one loves me so why bother. I might as well just work my ass off and have no life.
I am never going to attract a man and I am NEVER going from anyone out with my area. The worst thing was we were speaking and having a laugh and he asked if I could stay online for another hour. I am only up this late cause of him and the time difference and then he says "I think we should be friends" then he starts talking about how we could never live together as we are so different WHAT!!!!!!!  who said anything about living together... I certainly didnt. There are so many words I would love to use right now to describe him and how I feel but they are all swear words right now. I am so frigging angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am crying over him why??????? he sure wont be crying over me.
I hate my life and I hate this illness I hate it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 22 2010 02:40 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/21/10
Dear Laura,
That was the last thing that I wanted to hear from you. I'm so sorry for your pain. But, no, dear Laura, that fellow was, by far, not your 'last hope'. There are lots of possible reasons for his type of a 'break up'. The one that first occurs to me is that 'you' are real, but 'he' isn't. Some people just like to invent Avatars and live vicarious lives,... all day long. You are genuine, and at an age and time in your life when you are capable of sustaining a caring adult friendship, possibly leading to marriage. He probably just sensed that you were 'out of his league', and rather than be exposed as a fraud, he took the initiative of ending the friendship. That part about "I think we should be friends",... no, that's just double-talk for breaking up.
Usually when I give you a link to an article that I'd like for you to read, I put only the barest of a description of what is contained in that article. But this time, I'll break with my usual 'modus operandi', because I think that it is so appropo to what's happened to you. Please cheer up. Eat some chocolate? - jus'
http://www.watcht...cle_02.htm
QUOTE:
One problem that arises, though, is that some individuals create a Web-site persona that reflects who they want to be rather than who they are. “There’s a kid in one of my classes who says he’s 21 and lives in Las Vegas,” states a 15-year-old boy. Both youths live about a thousand miles from that U.S. city.
Such deception is quite common. “You can do anything on the Net,” confides an 18-year-old Australian girl. “You can become a whole different person because no one really knows you. You feel confident. You can make up things so that you seem to be more interesting. You can put pictures of yourself wearing things or doing things that you would never wear or do in real life. You can write things you would never say in person. You feel as if you can get away with anything because you’re hidden. No one knows who you really are.”
END QUOTE |
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| Laura |
Posted on October 22 2010 10:44 AM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just,
I just thought he was gonna stick around longer than the other 2 of mines. Think my ex who I broke up with recently was my longest 6 weeks. What is wrong with me which makes guys become weirdo's and psychopaths etc. I give up now. What's the point all that happens is I am upset and get myself off on a depression tangent.
I must be so horrible to people. I know I had a downward spiral after my counselling session on Tuesday. I became really upset by my session and I was not in a good place at all. He said I will give you a breather... I said no we just need to slow things down which I guess he didnt want to do.
I really loved him though and I thought he loved me. He always told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me.
He asked if I thought I was manic and that is why we became a "couple" I said I was not manic but I think I might have been. I was looking for flights for February to go and see him I really wanted to see him in December as I am off on holiday 1st 2 weeks in December but couldn't get a flight from the airport I wanted to fly from.
He said I was in a really abd place on Tuesday and that he was worried I would do something stupid to myself. I was NOT suicidal I was confused.
I feel so angry and messed up. I hate this, I hate it all but mostly I hate myself
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 22 2010 03:23 PM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/22/10
Dear Laura,
If the two of you really had some things in common and enjoyed each other's conversation, then 'all is not lost'. Maybe he just didn't feel 'strong enough' or 'competent' for helping you through this period of adjusting to your medications. Receiving a visit from someone who was 'fine' when she boarded the plane, but who, after a long, tiring trip, gets off the plane needing to see a doctor would be a huge responsibility for anyone. And, for someone who himself is in treatment, it might have seemed like something that was beyond his realm of expertise.
You might give it a week,... then, after you've had a good night's sleep,... make an attempt at communicating with him again. Ask him if he might be able to make a trip to Scotland, rather than you going to the US. Or, just eat some chocolate? - jus' |
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| CheshireKat |
Posted on October 22 2010 03:53 PM
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Member
Location: United States
Posts: 1860
Joined: 2008-11-14
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Laura, I'm glad to hear from you here again but I am sorry to hear about this guy online. I am over here nodding vigorously at everything Jus has said so far... she is absolutely right on all counts. And I'd like to add some thoughts of my own, too, addressing some of the things you've said.
"Well I guess I will never know what it feels like to be loved. No one loves me so why bother."
That is clearly not true, and I think you know that if you look at it from outside your depressed point of view. Your family loves you, your friends love you, and one day you will find a guy who loves you too. This guy was clearly not it, and that's NOT your fault. You had only been speaking for about a week, that is way too soon for anyone to say they love someone else anyway, much less online.
My cousin recently had something similar happen to her... she got swept up in a relationship with a guy she met online through a mutual friend, was "in love" in a week's time, flew across country to see him... and then they broke up a week later. She now has a tattoo of his name on her arm that she is going to either have to live with for the rest of her life, or have removed in a very painful and expensive procedure. But do you think that means nobody is ever going to love my cousin, that nobody loves her now? Would you say that about her? I'm sure you wouldn't, but you're saying those same things about yourself right now. Is that fair to you? It's really not. You deserve to be treated better than the way he treated you, and much better than the way you're treating yourself right now.
"What is wrong with me which makes guys become weirdo's and psychopaths etc."
What makes you think that something is wrong with YOU that makes other people start acting strangely? Do you really think any one person on the planet has the power to make other people start acting crazy just by being around them? My last boyfriend was a real whack job, does that mean that something is wrong with ME that made HIM that way? No, of course not. He is the person he is, and I am the person I am, and the person I am has no direct influence on the person he is. You can't ever change people, you can only discover who people really are on the inside. You have a history of discovering that people aren't as good as they first appeared, probably because you are a very kind and trusting person. You want to believe they are good, so you trust them easily, and then when you realize they aren't so good you feel betrayed. I'm not saying that you trusting people is bad, not at all, I'm just saying that it is less likely that you are making them act crazy, and more likely that you are finally seeing these people for who they really are after a period of time.
Laura, being bipolar hurts. It hurts bad. It makes you feel like you are defective, like you're a reject, like there's nothing good or right about you. It makes you feel unstable and like you'll never have anything good in your life because you don't deserve it. But NONE of that is true. You are not defective, not a reject, and there are plenty of good things about you, great things even. You have a lot of good in your life (your family, your friends, your job, your personality... etc.) and you will continue to have good things come your way, because you are such a good person. Being bipolar does not make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean that you deserve any bad things that may happen to you. We all have bad things happen to us, relationships that fall apart, etc. but it does not mean it happened because you have this illness... it's just life, and sometimes life hurts.
You are going to be okay. I repeat: you are going to be okay. Keep writing out your feelings, in a journal or on here or wherever you are comfortable doing so. PM me if you want to talk about things. Talk to your "real life" friends, don't be afraid to lean on them for support. Talk to your family, talk to your counselor. Don't keep these feelings pent up inside of you, no matter what, because internalizing all that pain will just make things worse. You have less than a week to hang in there until you see the psychiatrist again, and I feel pretty confident that they will make a final diagnosis of bipolar disorder and start you on new medication. The new medications are not like the antidepressants you were taking before, these medicines are made for bipolar disorder, they are much more effective. Please just hang in there and know that good things ARE coming your way. The universe is infinite in both directions... for every bad, there is an equal good, and it will come to you eventually.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer |
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| Laura |
Posted on October 22 2010 05:00 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just and Kat,
Thanks guys, I am all over the place at the moment so thank you!!
I am just depressed and go on a self destructive streak when I am depressed. I go on the whole "I hate myself" stretch.
I really did love him though. I think my mania kicked in... I will explain in pm Kat. Just I am really dumb to think he really loved me huh!! I feel like a fool. I deleted him off msn as I thought it would be too hard for me to speak to him. I am just so disappointed in myself.
Thank god I never bought my plane ticket to America huh!! Least I am not into body art in any sense.
How can I stop having destructive words to myself? I hate myself and see no good in me. I would love to be someone else as its horrible being me.
I am naive when it comes to people, I trust them too much and I make them superior in my head. When they don't act the way my head thinks they should act I am hurt. I put people on a pedalstool and when they dont live up to it, its a rough fall to the ground. My Dad always says I trust people easily... I want to change that.. but then I become suspicious of people and trust no one.
I am sorry to be such a gimp... I am just so angry and unsure what to think or feel. I just want someone to love me in a romantic way not cause they have to
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 22 2010 09:44 PM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/22/10
Regarding her cousin, Kat said:
"She now has a tattoo of his name on her arm that she is going to either have to live with for the rest of her life, or have removed in a very painful and expensive procedure...." When I read that, I had the thought, "Maybe she can look for another boyfriend with the same name?" ;) But maybe I'm too much 'into recycling'?
That's good that you aren't into 'body art', Laura. You've saved yourself a lot of trouble.
This article is entitled, "Should I Get a Tattoo?"
http://www.watcht...cle_01.htm
EXCERPT:
According to Teen magazine, "doctors estimate that more than 30 percent of all tattoo removal is done on teen girls who want the name of an ex-boyfriend taken off."
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| CheshireKat |
Posted on October 22 2010 09:50 PM
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Member
Location: United States
Posts: 1860
Joined: 2008-11-14
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Jus - LOL, I actually had the same thought when she and her boyfriend broke up, although I did not voice that suggestion. He has a pretty common name, so there is a fair chance that she'll find someone with that name. I'm sure she will want the tat removed either way, though.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 22 2010 11:45 PM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/22/10
LOL. Yes, somehow it just 'wouldn't be the same'.
For example:
"Oh, when did you get that tat?"
2009.
"And, when did you guys meet?"
2010
:/ - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on October 22 2010 11:56 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Haha!!!
I could just imagine I would of had 2 tattoo removals in 1 year  I am too much of a woose I would cry with pain if I was to get a tattoo done. Plus I actually don't like them. Some are cool, others are naff
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 23 2010 12:49 AM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/22/10
Now I'm really laughing, Laura. With you saying that you would have had 2 tattoo removals in one year. - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on October 23 2010 05:44 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Heehee!!! thanks Just,
Feeling a lot better today.... not depressed, not sad, not teary, not happy, not manic just "normal" mood.
I am getting more and more nervous about seeing Psychiarty on Wednesday.... ONLY 4 DAYS AWAY..... Just really worried what he is gonna say and what they are gonna say about me and what's wrong with me and blah, blah, blah!!!!
I am taking my friend with me... she will just wait in the waiting room. Just for moral support. I think I may need it.
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 24 2010 03:26 PM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/24/10
I hope that your appointment goes well. Yes, taking a friend will be a good idea. I hope that she'll have some 'good book' to take with her? - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on October 24 2010 04:58 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Thanks Just!!!
Haha!! Ye she will have a good book with her... hopefully this time she gets to read it she only started reading it the last time I took her... 10 min appointment.
I am still dreading it.... but I know I need it
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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| justfoundout |
Posted on October 24 2010 07:37 PM
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Member
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 6103
Joined: 2008-05-25
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10/24/10
Oh yes! We all remember the 10 minute appointment. You hadn't mentioned having her along the time that you told us about that visit, had you? - jus' |
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| Laura |
Posted on October 24 2010 08:01 PM
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Member
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1229
Joined: 2006-11-16
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Hey Just,
No I don't think I did, did I? I can't remember heehee!!
Well tonight she emailed me and said she can't make it. So I am going on my own. I asked another friend but she is busy.
So flying solo!!!!!!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT |
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