Location: United States Posts: 1860 Joined: 2008-11-14
Laura, you will be fine. Call your friend in the morning to get a pep talk and give you the extra push you need to make it to your appointment, if you need to. I think you will be just fine, though.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer
Location: Texas USA Posts: 6135 Joined: 2008-05-25
10/25/10
Laura,
Now might be a good time to find an old, personal phonebook, with names of some of your 'oldest' friends. If you don't have their recent phone numbers, go online and find them. Give a call to two or three of them, until you find one with an 'open heart' toward you. Then, see if you can rekindle that friendship. It will give you something positive to do and think about until your appointment. - jus'
All my friends still live in my area, well some have moved to England. But we are all so drifted away it would take forever to get back together with people.
TODAY IS D DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 HOURS 10 MINUTES LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT
Location: United States Posts: 1860 Joined: 2008-11-14
Thinking of you, Laura! Let us know how things go. Remember what I told you in PM about being completely honest, even if it's embarrassing at the time. That is the only way to get the help you need.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer
Location: Texas USA Posts: 6135 Joined: 2008-05-25
10/28/10
Hi Laura,
I'm glad you came back to give us a report.
Back when I got ringing in my ears, called tinnitus, it was very annoying to me to be told by doctors that I would 'get used to it'. I wanted to turn back the clock and hear silence again, when there was silence,... not constant ringing. Over ten years later, I've still got it. What the doctors didn't tell me, and perhaps didn't know themselves, was that there would be days when the ringing wouldn't be as loud as other days. And on those 'quieter' days, it would be such a relief that the ringing wasn't so noticeable that, yes, I can mostly ignore it.
When you say that you're 'in denial', maybe this is somewhat like me with my tinnitus? You just want some 'relief'. You know that you don't get to have 'perfect health', and you can accept that. You can accept that sometimes you'll have a harder time than other people coping with daily stress. What you're really 'rejecting' is the idea that your worst days will be 'normal' for you. But, I don't think that this will happen. I think that you'll get the right meds to help you get the sleep you need, that you'll become more aware of what nutrition your body needs, that you'll learn to avoid actions and situations that cause you undue anxiety,... and that those 'worst days' will all be behind you. Now that you have a diagnosis, are there support groups where you can meet with others who understand the problem? - jus'
Edited by justfoundout on October 28 2010 01:03 PM
Location: United States Posts: 1860 Joined: 2008-11-14
Laura, I am so glad to hear that you finally got the right diagnosis. The average length of time between when a person starts developing bipolar symptoms and when they actually get an accurate diagnosis of bipolar disorder is about 7 years. When you get a diagnosis, it is both freeing and frustrating, because while you now have a name for your problems you can't help but wonder, "Why in the hell did it take so long to get diagnosed?" I started having symptoms when I was 12, was officially diagnosed when I was 19... it can be a hard disorder to diagnose.
I like Jus's analogy with the tinnitus, because she is right in a way. There are going to be days/weeks/months when bipolar rears its ugly head and you feel like you are absolutely losing your mind. But you're not. And eventually you will come back to a normal mood state and things will be okay again. You will never be cured of bipolar disorder, you just won't - that's not how it works, and I wish it was but it's not. But you can come to terms with what you have, treat it properly, and know that your life is very much like standing on the shore every day... the tide comes in, the tide goes out, sometimes a hurricane comes and destroys everything on the beach for a few days... but eventually you go back to one of those beautiful, bright, sunny days again. Hurricanes don't last forever, and neither do mood swings. You always have to return to the center eventually.
I was in denial for several months after I was initially diagnosed. When my psychiatrist said she thought I had bipolar disorder, I think the first words out of my mouth were, "What? No way, you're crazy." She was actually very right. I finally came to grips with the fact that I have the disorder though, and you will too once you've had some time to really digest it. In a sense you have to integrate it into who you are - the reason Axis I disorders can be so difficult (things like bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders, etc.) is because they are ego-dystonic, meaning that we don't recognize them as being in sync with our normal personalities and behaviors. You have to find a balance between knowing that your mood swings are NOT reflective of who you are, but also understanding that living with bipolar is a part of your life that you cannot escape. It's a difficult thing to do, and I still have days where I have a hard time with it too.
What I think is most important for you to do right now is to understand that this diagnosis is the BEGINNING, not the end. This is the beginning of wellness for you. This is where you start taking medication that actually works, instead of the antidepressants you were on before that were actually making your mood symptoms worse. This is where you start being able to sleep, finally. This is the beginning of a new period in your life marked by fewer mood episodes, less intense mood swings, more mental health support from your doctors and therapist, and what will hopefully be a significant decrease in your symptoms. This is the beginning of something good for you.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer
So he left? so what? you don't NEED a man, or anyone else, you are a complete person in and unto yourself! No one, no matter how perfect they seem, can "make" you happy unless you can first be happy on your own. There's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, don't forget that. We all say so, and we ought to know!
(PS: never get a name tattoo unless it's your own!)
Thank you, I know I will have good days and bad but I think its gonna be hard for me to understand them. Its finding the triggers and what my triggers are that will be really hard
I still go to my depression group which helps. I still have 4 weeks left of counselling.
Hey Kat....
That's mental about the length of time to get diagnosised. I am actually gobsmacked for a change lol. That's mad your length of time. According to my Mum I started acting up and being moody from the age of 12 like you but just been diagnoised at nearly 26. Thats mad it takes so long. I feel really frustrated that its took what 14 years nearly for me to get a diagnosis. But then I think back and realise no one EVER knew about anything about what was going on with me. I kept it all hidden as I didn't know what was going on and I was scared people would think I was stupid. My parents thought I was a moody teenager and that's the way I was. If I had listened to them and took their advice and spoke to my GP I would probably not be where I am now. How stupid was I.
I am worried about dealing with the ups and downs even though I have had to do it for years. I now know what I am having to deal with but I just can't understand it. I can't get my head around the fact its real now. Haha!!! Kat.... I cried when he told me it was definate....... I screamed actually today when no one was in the house I think I already knew huh!!! Think that is what I am gonna struggle with understanding that I have bipolar and that my moods are this way for a reason but then not everything is cause I have bipolar. Also my issue is I am or I have bipolar????????? I at times cant seem to make my mind up
Just constantly woryring now about it all. Plus I spoke to my GP about my sore heads as the sides of my forehead pulses when I have a splitting headache. She says they are tension headaches due to being agitated and manic so another thing to contend with GREAT!!!!!!!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT
Location: Texas USA Posts: 6135 Joined: 2008-05-25
10/28/10
Dear Laura,
I've got a link to an article for you.
The series is UNDERSTANDING MOOD DISORDERS.
The article is "Living with a mood disorder." - jus' http://www.watcht...cle_02.htm
EXCERPT:
"I envy people who have balance and stability in their lives," says a bipolar patient named Gloria. "Stability is a place that bipolar people visit. None of us actually live there."
Location: United States Posts: 1860 Joined: 2008-11-14
Jus, I love that quote you shared from the web page you linked to. The part about stability being a place we visit but don't inhabit is so on point. Sometimes when things are at their worst, stability feels like a long-awaited vacation. You dream about it, fantasize about how it will be when you get there, do everything in your power to plan for the trip... then you get there, it's wonderful, but it passes too quickly.
Laura, what you went through is not uncommon, that is why it so often takes 7+ years for bipolar to be diagnosed. Most people are misdiagnosed as having unipolar depression, or severe adult ADHD, or a combination of depression and an anxiety disorder. For a long time I was misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder and various anxiety disorders, by a GP who never bothered to give me a psych referral. In college I took it upon myself to see a psychologist through the university, who promptly referred me to a psychiatrist. That psychiatrist was the one who gave me a better evaluation, and referred me to my current therapist, who also gave me a very thorough, in-depth evaluation.
They were the ones who ended up accurately diagnosing me with bipolar disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, and PTSD. I was difficult to diagnose for a multitude of reasons. The main reason was because I do not have "classic" bipolar type 1 manic symptoms. My manias are typically more subtle, and I never described them to the doctor because I never considered them a problem. I just thought I had swings of really, really good moods where I acted a little stupid but got a lot of creative things done. Without describing those episodes to the doctors, it was hard for them to realize that it was bipolar when all they were seeing were the depressive episodes. They also assumed that all of my irritability, difficulty sleeping, angry outbursts, etc. were caused by the anxiety, not by a cyclical mood disorder. Now everything makes sense in the context of the bipolar diagnosis.
One thing that I think is really important for you to remember is that being diagnosed with bipolar doesn't mean anything has suddenly changed. You were bipolar yesterday, the day before that, the week before that, the year before that... this isn't something that just suddenly happened and you have to now learn how to deal with. You've been dealing with it for years, and now dealing with it is going to get EASIER once you get on the right medication. Things are going to only keep getting better now that you are being treated for the correct condition.
You also have to remember that you are not bipolar, you have bipolar. You are Laura, who happens to have bipolar disorder. You are not Laura the Bipolar Girl, or Bipolar Laura. You're just Laura, period. You were always Laura, and you will always be Laura, bipolar be damned. I am Kat, not Bipolar Kat. We are not defined by our illness, although our illness does shape the course of our lives to some degree. But we as people do exist totally separately from the illness we have.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer
Thanks for the link.... It was interesting to read other people's account on bipolar and how they cope with the ups and downs. I love the quote you wrote too... DEFINES IT DEFINATLEY!!!!
Hey Kat,
I know... I am glad I have EVENTUALLY been diagnoised BUT.... I am still reserved as you well know all about. I would rather have my diagnosis rather than still being referred as just having sever depression.
I am a bit unsure about dealing with all the ups and downs now that I know there is an actual reason for them. I spoke to an old friend of mines... I havent seen or spoken to her in months. She is a work colleague. I told her and she said "I am so gla dyou have been finally diagnosised. You needed it" When I said Type 1 she asked what that was I said "more manic" she said "That is definatley you... you are more manic than depressed even when your depressed"
The only problem is if I am type 1 which is more manic... how come when I am depressed I become suicidal and indestructable... obviously I get these when manic too but more so when I am depressed. I am confused here.
You wonder how long you have been "ill"... I wonder have I always been like this since I was a kid? Was it something I did.... when I heard about bipolar I thought I caused it. Its scary to think that its due to a chemical imbalance though. How does that happen? No one knows I don't think.
My BIGGEST FEAR AND PROBLEM AT THE MOMENT IS BELIEVING I HAVE BIPOLAR. BELIEVING THAT I AM NOT THE DISORDER BUT THAT I HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. I WILL HAVE A HARD LONG JOURNEY TO BE ABLE TO "LOVE" MYSELF ALL OF MYSELF. ALL MY FLAWS, MY QUIRKS, THE UPS AND THE DOWNS. I FEAR I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEARN THAT ITS NOT MY FAULT. BUT I AM HOPING I WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE A LIFE AND A GOOD LIFE AT THAT. I JUST NEED A LOT OF HELP AT THE MOMENT IN LEARNING ABOUT IT ALL.
I have my blood tests in less than 2 weeks. I am looking at Lithium and a part of me is saying NOOOOOOOO and the other part of me is saying ok!!
I am very shaky at the moment... my legs are like jelly and I am staggering at times. My legs feel heavy and sore from the knee down. Also my hands are VERY shaky at times. Hard for me to type etc
Still got headaches, dizziness and also nausea.
4 weeks of no meds is playing havoc with my system!!!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT
Location: United States Posts: 1860 Joined: 2008-11-14
Laura, the withdrawal from antidepressants can be really hard physically. Keep hanging in there, soon enough these side effects will go away once your body is finally clear of all the meds and has returned to its normal stasis.
As far as what causes bipolar disorder, you're right, part of it is a chemical imbalance. There are also structural abnormalities in the brains of people with bipolar disorder (certain areas are larger, certain areas are smaller) that may contribute to the problem. Environmental stressors can also "kick off" bipolar disorder, things like childhood trauma, major life stress, etc. In a sense you have always had bipolar disorder, in that you always had the genes for it. But most people don't start manifesting the symptoms until their late teens or early twenties, for reasons unknown that is the point in life when the majority of people with bipolar disorder start feeling their symptoms for the first time. There is a lot of mystery out there about bipolar disorder, a lot that we still don't know. I will be excited to see what the research uncovers in upcoming years.
When you describe being both suicidal and feeling indestructible, you are describing what is known as a mixed episode. Mixed episodes are where you have the symptoms of both mania and depression at the same time. I had a bad mixed episode over the summer and during the episode I couldn't sleep, couldn't stop moving, had no impulse control, and was full of vigor and the desire to do productive things... but at the same time I was paranoid, having auditory hallucinations, self-harming, and contemplating suicide. It is a really awful head space to be in, and the suicide rate is highest for bipolar patients in the mixed episode state than in either mania or depression. This is because unlike in a depressive episode, patients who are in a mixed episode have not only the desire to kill themselves but also the energy to act out those plans. The next time you feel this way, it is really important that you seek medical help immediately. The doctors can help prevent you from doing something terrible on impulse.
I think it's important for you (and me) to remember that we are not the only ones who struggle to love all of ourselves... EVERYONE struggles to do that. Everybody out there, whether they have a mental illness or not, has a hard time loving all of their quirks, all of their thoughts and behaviors, all of their body parts, etc. I don't think anyone out there loves every single little piece of who they are, except young children who haven't been taught not to. Do you ever notice how little kids think they kick ass, that they are the baddest thing on the block, until they get older and start being influenced more by cultural expectations? That is when people start to dislike things about themselves... but until they are taught to dislike themselves, little kids love themselves. All we can do is try to get back to that innocent love for ourselves that we had as children, regardless of our mental illness.
Lithium can be a very good medication for treating bipolar disorder, particularly manic episodes, but it doesn't work for everyone. I'm only saying that so that you don't pin all of your hopes on that one medication. If it doesn't work out, there are tons of other ones out there you can try. You will eventually find one that helps control your mood episodes, whether it's Lithium or something else entirely.
"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings." - Eric Hoffer
Sorry I haven't been on here my computer was broken
But its been fixed now yeeha!!!
Since my last post to you guys.... Side effects have been banished altogether since that post so 10 days am on day 5 in a row of "normal" mood!! Mood has been up and down... only mildly depressed or mildly manic nothing major at all.
Had my blood test on Monday 8th November... made a GP app for Tuesday 16th November to "discuss" me!!
I don't want to take meds. I have decided that since I have had 5 normal days... and my mood has been ok since being off meds I don't need them. My Counsellor says she has noticed I am coping so much better without meds than when I was on meds oops!!!
I have stepped down as a Key Worker at work as I am pretty stressed out and don't want to go backwards. So used my initiative and dropped down. Doesn't really mean much as the pay was not upped since my "senior" role.
I have myself a new boyfriend well we have only been seeing each other for 11 days lol got my 2nd date with him on Friday afternoon
Only have 2-3 more sessions left with my Counsellor. Unsure what to do after they end. Unsure how I feel. Not really thinking about it. She has started asking me about my past now... up until now its all been about the present. Now she wants to dive deeper argh!!!
Work is mad but only have under 4 weeks left at work until I am off on holiday for 2 weeks so I am just thinking of that.
Sleep is still a nightmare... some nights sleeping and some not sleeping at all.
Have not even looked at the information sheets my Psychiatrist gave me regarding what meds to go on. Kinda been ignoring it. If I look at it I will change my mind I think.
Unsure at the moment.... been having weird days which seem to just blur into other days.
Been having a ball!!!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT
Location: Texas USA Posts: 6135 Joined: 2008-05-25
11/10/10
Dear Laura,
I'm glad that you've written us. I've been always sliding the scroll bar all the way down, just in case you've posted here in the shout box, but hadn't been seeing 'hide ner hair' of you. I'm sorry that sleep is still causing you a problem, but very happy that you've got a new romantic interest and that you've opted to 'step down' from the Key Worker position, especially since it was more work for the same pay. I'm so glad that you've had some 'good days' mood-wise, and I hope that those continue. We're still here, and always interested in how you are doing. - jus'
Edited by justfoundout on November 11 2010 12:32 AM
We all say so, and we ought to know!
