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Hey Guys,

Sorry not been on here in a wee while. My depression has been back with a vengance. I am seeing my Psych for a final diagnoisis on 27th October. I am at the moment on week 2 of going cold turkey- GP's orders. Not been having the greatest of times.

Off work for 1 wk's holiday :-D Happy Days :-D

Work has been mad. I am fullfilling my Key Worker role well kinda. Got a long way to go. Work is actually good.

I have been back at work for 5 months on 25th October. Mad times.

I am in the process of seeing a new Counsellor. I only get 6-8 sessions. Session 3 today (Tuesday)

Oh and the best news I have had in a long time is.... I havea boyfriend :-D HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Mania and Depression have their days. I am on mixed episodes at the moment. Been on mixed episodes for 1 week now. I am just tired more than anything else.

Anyways just thought I would pop by and say HELLO!!!

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10/18/10
I'm so glad that you did, Laura. I'd been thinking about you for a few days, but hoping that 'no news is good news', I didn't want to say something like,... "hey, aren't you needing to 'talk' or anything?" Cold turkey? So, the Psych wants to see the 'real you', without the meds covering up any symptoms? That sounds like a good approach to me. He/she probably wants to do his/her own assessment, starting with a 'clean slate' so that everything shows up clearly. Stay with it, as this sounds like a person who just wants to 'get it right' for you this time.

It makes me smile that you have a boyfriend and are happy. That's what I want for you. Only do remember this, please,... if for any reason, at any time, he looses interest or wanders off, remember that there will be someone who will see you for the caring, lovely girl that you are. I want your happiness to go on and on. And maybe this time, he will be the 'right one'. - jus'

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Hey Just,

Awe thank you for thinking about me :-D

Cold turkey is tough!!! Really feeling more ill off meds than on them. Catch 22. Ye my GP wants my Psych to see the real me rather than the medicated me. Which I guess makes sense. She says my Psych has only seen me medicated so here's hoping I am "mad" when I see him next week. My GP does care about me. We had a nice conversation when I last saw her. I really like her.

He is amazing. His name is Andrew and I met him on a bipolar website. Yes he has bipolar too. Only problem is he lives in America :-D Long distances. I am planning on going to see him next year. We have only been properly speaking for a week. But I have been speaking to him via posts for a wee while. I love him so much :-D

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10/18/10
You'll be searching the internet for the cheapest time of year to travel here, and saving your money for the tickets. You'll be tired when you arrive, but the worst jet lag will be when you get back to the UK. You'll just 'konk out', every time your head hits the pillow for about 24 hours after your arrival. Did you say that you've been to the US before? You do have a friend or relative here, don't you? - jus'

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SCRAP WHAT I HAVE SAID

I NO LONGER HAVE A BOYFRIEND...... HE DUMPED ME. YIP THAT'S RIGHT. WHY DO I BOTHER.

I haven't been doing too good since I wrote my last post above. I have been hurting myself, feeling really depressed and generally feeling like my old self of depression. I had a hard session with my Counsellor on Tuesday and since then its been a hard week. I have really been trying to ignore the signs. I want to just be someone

Well I guess I will never know what it feels like to be loved. No one loves me so why bother. I might as well just work my ass off and have no life.

I am never going to attract a man and I am NEVER going from anyone out with my area. The worst thing was we were speaking and having a laugh and he asked if I could stay online for another hour. I am only up this late cause of him and the time difference and then he says "I think we should be friends" then he starts talking about how we could never live together as we are so different WHAT!!!!!!! :o who said anything about living together... I certainly didnt. There are so many words I would love to use right now to describe him and how I feel but they are all swear words right now. I am so frigging angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am crying over him why??????? he sure wont be crying over me.

I hate my life and I hate this illness I hate it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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10/21/10
Dear Laura,
That was the last thing that I wanted to hear from you. I'm so sorry for your pain. But, no, dear Laura, that fellow was, by far, not your 'last hope'. There are lots of possible reasons for his type of a 'break up'. The one that first occurs to me is that 'you' are real, but 'he' isn't. Some people just like to invent Avatars and live vicarious lives,... all day long. You are genuine, and at an age and time in your life when you are capable of sustaining a caring adult friendship, possibly leading to marriage. He probably just sensed that you were 'out of his league', and rather than be exposed as a fraud, he took the initiative of ending the friendship. That part about "I think we should be friends",... no, that's just double-talk for breaking up.

Usually when I give you a link to an article that I'd like for you to read, I put only the barest of a description of what is contained in that article. But this time, I'll break with my usual 'modus operandi', because I think that it is so appropo to what's happened to you. Please cheer up. Eat some chocolate? - jus'

http://www.watcht...cle_02.htm
QUOTE:
One problem that arises, though, is that some individuals create a Web-site persona that reflects who they want to be rather than who they are. “There’s a kid in one of my classes who says he’s 21 and lives in Las Vegas,” states a 15-year-old boy. Both youths live about a thousand miles from that U.S. city.
Such deception is quite common. “You can do anything on the Net,” confides an 18-year-old Australian girl. “You can become a whole different person because no one really knows you. You feel confident. You can make up things so that you seem to be more interesting. You can put pictures of yourself wearing things or doing things that you would never wear or do in real life. You can write things you would never say in person. You feel as if you can get away with anything because you’re hidden. No one knows who you really are.”
END QUOTE

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Hey Just,

I just thought he was gonna stick around longer than the other 2 of mines. Think my ex who I broke up with recently was my longest 6 weeks. What is wrong with me which makes guys become weirdo's and psychopaths etc. I give up now. What's the point all that happens is I am upset and get myself off on a depression tangent.

I must be so horrible to people. I know I had a downward spiral after my counselling session on Tuesday. I became really upset by my session and I was not in a good place at all. He said I will give you a breather... I said no we just need to slow things down which I guess he didnt want to do.

I really loved him though and I thought he loved me. He always told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me.

He asked if I thought I was manic and that is why we became a "couple" I said I was not manic but I think I might have been. I was looking for flights for February to go and see him I really wanted to see him in December as I am off on holiday 1st 2 weeks in December but couldn't get a flight from the airport I wanted to fly from.

He said I was in a really abd place on Tuesday and that he was worried I would do something stupid to myself. I was NOT suicidal I was confused.

I feel so angry and messed up. I hate this, I hate it all but mostly I hate myself

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10/22/10
Dear Laura,
If the two of you really had some things in common and enjoyed each other's conversation, then 'all is not lost'. Maybe he just didn't feel 'strong enough' or 'competent' for helping you through this period of adjusting to your medications. Receiving a visit from someone who was 'fine' when she boarded the plane, but who, after a long, tiring trip, gets off the plane needing to see a doctor would be a huge responsibility for anyone. And, for someone who himself is in treatment, it might have seemed like something that was beyond his realm of expertise.

You might give it a week,... then, after you've had a good night's sleep,... make an attempt at communicating with him again. Ask him if he might be able to make a trip to Scotland, rather than you going to the US. Or, just eat some chocolate? - jus'

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Laura, I'm glad to hear from you here again but I am sorry to hear about this guy online. I am over here nodding vigorously at everything Jus has said so far... she is absolutely right on all counts. And I'd like to add some thoughts of my own, too, addressing some of the things you've said.

"Well I guess I will never know what it feels like to be loved. No one loves me so why bother."

That is clearly not true, and I think you know that if you look at it from outside your depressed point of view. Your family loves you, your friends love you, and one day you will find a guy who loves you too. This guy was clearly not it, and that's NOT your fault. You had only been speaking for about a week, that is way too soon for anyone to say they love someone else anyway, much less online.

My cousin recently had something similar happen to her... she got swept up in a relationship with a guy she met online through a mutual friend, was "in love" in a week's time, flew across country to see him... and then they broke up a week later. She now has a tattoo of his name on her arm that she is going to either have to live with for the rest of her life, or have removed in a very painful and expensive procedure. But do you think that means nobody is ever going to love my cousin, that nobody loves her now? Would you say that about her? I'm sure you wouldn't, but you're saying those same things about yourself right now. Is that fair to you? It's really not. You deserve to be treated better than the way he treated you, and much better than the way you're treating yourself right now.

"What is wrong with me which makes guys become weirdo's and psychopaths etc."

What makes you think that something is wrong with YOU that makes other people start acting strangely? Do you really think any one person on the planet has the power to make other people start acting crazy just by being around them? My last boyfriend was a real whack job, does that mean that something is wrong with ME that made HIM that way? No, of course not. He is the person he is, and I am the person I am, and the person I am has no direct influence on the person he is. You can't ever change people, you can only discover who people really are on the inside. You have a history of discovering that people aren't as good as they first appeared, probably because you are a very kind and trusting person. You want to believe they are good, so you trust them easily, and then when you realize they aren't so good you feel betrayed. I'm not saying that you trusting people is bad, not at all, I'm just saying that it is less likely that you are making them act crazy, and more likely that you are finally seeing these people for who they really are after a period of time.

Laura, being bipolar hurts. It hurts bad. It makes you feel like you are defective, like you're a reject, like there's nothing good or right about you. It makes you feel unstable and like you'll never have anything good in your life because you don't deserve it. But NONE of that is true. You are not defective, not a reject, and there are plenty of good things about you, great things even. You have a lot of good in your life (your family, your friends, your job, your personality... etc.) and you will continue to have good things come your way, because you are such a good person. Being bipolar does not make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean that you deserve any bad things that may happen to you. We all have bad things happen to us, relationships that fall apart, etc. but it does not mean it happened because you have this illness... it's just life, and sometimes life hurts.

You are going to be okay. I repeat: you are going to be okay. Keep writing out your feelings, in a journal or on here or wherever you are comfortable doing so. PM me if you want to talk about things. Talk to your "real life" friends, don't be afraid to lean on them for support. Talk to your family, talk to your counselor. Don't keep these feelings pent up inside of you, no matter what, because internalizing all that pain will just make things worse. You have less than a week to hang in there until you see the psychiatrist again, and I feel pretty confident that they will make a final diagnosis of bipolar disorder and start you on new medication. The new medications are not like the antidepressants you were taking before, these medicines are made for bipolar disorder, they are much more effective. Please just hang in there and know that good things ARE coming your way. The universe is infinite in both directions... for every bad, there is an equal good, and it will come to you eventually.

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Hey Just and Kat,

Thanks guys, I am all over the place at the moment so thank you!!

I am just depressed and go on a self destructive streak when I am depressed. I go on the whole "I hate myself" stretch.

I really did love him though. I think my mania kicked in... I will explain in pm Kat. Just I am really dumb to think he really loved me huh!! I feel like a fool. I deleted him off msn as I thought it would be too hard for me to speak to him. I am just so disappointed in myself.

Thank god I never bought my plane ticket to America huh!! Least I am not into body art in any sense.

How can I stop having destructive words to myself? I hate myself and see no good in me. I would love to be someone else as its horrible being me.

I am naive when it comes to people, I trust them too much and I make them superior in my head. When they don't act the way my head thinks they should act I am hurt. I put people on a pedalstool and when they dont live up to it, its a rough fall to the ground. My Dad always says I trust people easily... I want to change that.. but then I become suspicious of people and trust no one.

I am sorry to be such a gimp... I am just so angry and unsure what to think or feel. I just want someone to love me in a romantic way not cause they have to

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10/22/10
Regarding her cousin, Kat said:
"She now has a tattoo of his name on her arm that she is going to either have to live with for the rest of her life, or have removed in a very painful and expensive procedure...." When I read that, I had the thought, "Maybe she can look for another boyfriend with the same name?" ;) But maybe I'm too much 'into recycling'?

That's good that you aren't into 'body art', Laura. You've saved yourself a lot of trouble.

This article is entitled, "Should I Get a Tattoo?"
http://www.watcht...cle_01.htm
EXCERPT:
According to Teen magazine, "doctors estimate that more than 30 percent of all tattoo removal is done on teen girls who want the name of an ex-boyfriend taken off."

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Jus - LOL, I actually had the same thought when she and her boyfriend broke up, although I did not voice that suggestion. He has a pretty common name, so there is a fair chance that she'll find someone with that name. I'm sure she will want the tat removed either way, though.

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10/22/10
LOL. Yes, somehow it just 'wouldn't be the same'.
For example:
"Oh, when did you get that tat?"
2009.
"And, when did you guys meet?"
2010
:/ - jus'

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Haha!!!

I could just imagine I would of had 2 tattoo removals in 1 year :D I am too much of a woose I would cry with pain if I was to get a tattoo done. Plus I actually don't like them. Some are cool, others are naff

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10/22/10
Now I'm really laughing, Laura. With you saying that you would have had 2 tattoo removals in one year. - jus'

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Heehee!!! thanks Just,

Feeling a lot better today.... not depressed, not sad, not teary, not happy, not manic just "normal" mood.

I am getting more and more nervous about seeing Psychiarty on Wednesday.... ONLY 4 DAYS AWAY..... :o Just really worried what he is gonna say and what they are gonna say about me and what's wrong with me and blah, blah, blah!!!!

I am taking my friend with me... she will just wait in the waiting room. Just for moral support. I think I may need it.

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10/24/10
I hope that your appointment goes well. Yes, taking a friend will be a good idea. I hope that she'll have some 'good book' to take with her? - jus'

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Thanks Just!!!

Haha!! Ye she will have a good book with her... hopefully this time she gets to read it :D she only started reading it the last time I took her... 10 min appointment.

I am still dreading it.... but I know I need it

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10/24/10
Oh yes! We all remember the 10 minute appointment. You hadn't mentioned having her along the time that you told us about that visit, had you? - jus'

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Hey Just,

No I don't think I did, did I? I can't remember heehee!!

Well tonight she emailed me and said she can't make it. So I am going on my own. I asked another friend but she is busy.

So flying solo!!!!!!

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10/24/10
I hope it goes well. You'll be fine. - jus'

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Thanks Just,

I hope I will be fine!!!

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Laura, you will be fine. Call your friend in the morning to get a pep talk and give you the extra push you need to make it to your appointment, if you need to. I think you will be just fine, though.

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Hey Kat,

I think I will call my friend for a "pep talk" beforehand.

Can't get anyone to come with me... freaking me out more thinking I need to go on my own.

Its getting closer!!!!!!!!!

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10/25/10
Laura,
Now might be a good time to find an old, personal phonebook, with names of some of your 'oldest' friends. If you don't have their recent phone numbers, go online and find them. Give a call to two or three of them, until you find one with an 'open heart' toward you. Then, see if you can rekindle that friendship. It will give you something positive to do and think about until your appointment. - jus'

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Hey Just,

Thanks for the post....

All my friends still live in my area, well some have moved to England. But we are all so drifted away it would take forever to get back together with people.

TODAY IS D DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 HOURS 10 MINUTES LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Laura, I'm thinking of you! :):)

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Thinking of you, Laura! Let us know how things go. Remember what I told you in PM about being completely honest, even if it's embarrassing at the time. That is the only way to get the help you need.

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OK..............

Here it goes

I have been diagnoised with Bipolar Type 1

I have just been to GP and we have had a nice wee discussion :D

I have to go for blood tests in a few weeks time and then I have Psychiarty again on 22nd November.

I am angry, upset, happy, glad, frustrated etc etc!!!

I have suffered for more than 10 year and NOW I know... I don't want it

It sucks!!!

Gp says I need to learn to accept it and at the moment I am still in denial..............

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10/28/10
Hi Laura,
I'm glad you came back to give us a report.

Back when I got ringing in my ears, called tinnitus, it was very annoying to me to be told by doctors that I would 'get used to it'. I wanted to turn back the clock and hear silence again, when there was silence,... not constant ringing. Over ten years later, I've still got it. What the doctors didn't tell me, and perhaps didn't know themselves, was that there would be days when the ringing wouldn't be as loud as other days. And on those 'quieter' days, it would be such a relief that the ringing wasn't so noticeable that, yes, I can mostly ignore it.

When you say that you're 'in denial', maybe this is somewhat like me with my tinnitus? You just want some 'relief'. You know that you don't get to have 'perfect health', and you can accept that. You can accept that sometimes you'll have a harder time than other people coping with daily stress. What you're really 'rejecting' is the idea that your worst days will be 'normal' for you. But, I don't think that this will happen. I think that you'll get the right meds to help you get the sleep you need, that you'll become more aware of what nutrition your body needs, that you'll learn to avoid actions and situations that cause you undue anxiety,... and that those 'worst days' will all be behind you. Now that you have a diagnosis, are there support groups where you can meet with others who understand the problem? - jus'

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Laura, I am so glad to hear that you finally got the right diagnosis. The average length of time between when a person starts developing bipolar symptoms and when they actually get an accurate diagnosis of bipolar disorder is about 7 years. When you get a diagnosis, it is both freeing and frustrating, because while you now have a name for your problems you can't help but wonder, "Why in the hell did it take so long to get diagnosed?" I started having symptoms when I was 12, was officially diagnosed when I was 19... it can be a hard disorder to diagnose.

I like Jus's analogy with the tinnitus, because she is right in a way. There are going to be days/weeks/months when bipolar rears its ugly head and you feel like you are absolutely losing your mind. But you're not. And eventually you will come back to a normal mood state and things will be okay again. You will never be cured of bipolar disorder, you just won't - that's not how it works, and I wish it was but it's not. But you can come to terms with what you have, treat it properly, and know that your life is very much like standing on the shore every day... the tide comes in, the tide goes out, sometimes a hurricane comes and destroys everything on the beach for a few days... but eventually you go back to one of those beautiful, bright, sunny days again. Hurricanes don't last forever, and neither do mood swings. You always have to return to the center eventually.

I was in denial for several months after I was initially diagnosed. When my psychiatrist said she thought I had bipolar disorder, I think the first words out of my mouth were, "What? No way, you're crazy." She was actually very right. I finally came to grips with the fact that I have the disorder though, and you will too once you've had some time to really digest it. In a sense you have to integrate it into who you are - the reason Axis I disorders can be so difficult (things like bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders, etc.) is because they are ego-dystonic, meaning that we don't recognize them as being in sync with our normal personalities and behaviors. You have to find a balance between knowing that your mood swings are NOT reflective of who you are, but also understanding that living with bipolar is a part of your life that you cannot escape. It's a difficult thing to do, and I still have days where I have a hard time with it too.

What I think is most important for you to do right now is to understand that this diagnosis is the BEGINNING, not the end. This is the beginning of wellness for you. This is where you start taking medication that actually works, instead of the antidepressants you were on before that were actually making your mood symptoms worse. This is where you start being able to sleep, finally. This is the beginning of a new period in your life marked by fewer mood episodes, less intense mood swings, more mental health support from your doctors and therapist, and what will hopefully be a significant decrease in your symptoms. This is the beginning of something good for you.

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So he left? so what? you don't NEED a man, or anyone else, you are a complete person in and unto yourself! No one, no matter how perfect they seem, can "make" you happy unless you can first be happy on your own. There's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, don't forget that. :) We all say so, and we ought to know!

(PS: never get a name tattoo unless it's your own!)

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Hey Jus', what do you take for tinnitus? have you tried that "Quietus" stuff? My sister has it and it drives her nuts.

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Hey guys,

Thank you!!!

Hey Just....

Thank you, I know I will have good days and bad but I think its gonna be hard for me to understand them. Its finding the triggers and what my triggers are that will be really hard

I still go to my depression group which helps. I still have 4 weeks left of counselling.

Hey Kat....

That's mental about the length of time to get diagnosised. I am actually gobsmacked for a change lol. That's mad your length of time. According to my Mum I started acting up and being moody from the age of 12 like you but just been diagnoised at nearly 26. Thats mad it takes so long. I feel really frustrated that its took what 14 years nearly for me to get a diagnosis. But then I think back and realise no one EVER knew about anything about what was going on with me. I kept it all hidden as I didn't know what was going on and I was scared people would think I was stupid. My parents thought I was a moody teenager and that's the way I was. If I had listened to them and took their advice and spoke to my GP I would probably not be where I am now. How stupid was I.

I am worried about dealing with the ups and downs even though I have had to do it for years. I now know what I am having to deal with but I just can't understand it. I can't get my head around the fact its real now. Haha!!! Kat.... I cried when he told me it was definate....... I screamed actually today when no one was in the house :D I think I already knew huh!!! Think that is what I am gonna struggle with understanding that I have bipolar and that my moods are this way for a reason but then not everything is cause I have bipolar. Also my issue is I am or I have bipolar????????? I at times cant seem to make my mind up

Just constantly woryring now about it all. Plus I spoke to my GP about my sore heads as the sides of my forehead pulses when I have a splitting headache. She says they are tension headaches due to being agitated and manic so another thing to contend with GREAT!!!!!!!

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10/28/10
Dear Laura,
I've got a link to an article for you.
The series is UNDERSTANDING MOOD DISORDERS.
The article is "Living with a mood disorder." - jus'
http://www.watcht...cle_02.htm
EXCERPT:
"I envy people who have balance and stability in their lives," says a bipolar patient named Gloria. "Stability is a place that bipolar people visit. None of us actually live there."

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Jus, I love that quote you shared from the web page you linked to. The part about stability being a place we visit but don't inhabit is so on point. Sometimes when things are at their worst, stability feels like a long-awaited vacation. You dream about it, fantasize about how it will be when you get there, do everything in your power to plan for the trip... then you get there, it's wonderful, but it passes too quickly.

Laura, what you went through is not uncommon, that is why it so often takes 7+ years for bipolar to be diagnosed. Most people are misdiagnosed as having unipolar depression, or severe adult ADHD, or a combination of depression and an anxiety disorder. For a long time I was misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder and various anxiety disorders, by a GP who never bothered to give me a psych referral. In college I took it upon myself to see a psychologist through the university, who promptly referred me to a psychiatrist. That psychiatrist was the one who gave me a better evaluation, and referred me to my current therapist, who also gave me a very thorough, in-depth evaluation.

They were the ones who ended up accurately diagnosing me with bipolar disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, and PTSD. I was difficult to diagnose for a multitude of reasons. The main reason was because I do not have "classic" bipolar type 1 manic symptoms. My manias are typically more subtle, and I never described them to the doctor because I never considered them a problem. I just thought I had swings of really, really good moods where I acted a little stupid but got a lot of creative things done. Without describing those episodes to the doctors, it was hard for them to realize that it was bipolar when all they were seeing were the depressive episodes. They also assumed that all of my irritability, difficulty sleeping, angry outbursts, etc. were caused by the anxiety, not by a cyclical mood disorder. Now everything makes sense in the context of the bipolar diagnosis.

One thing that I think is really important for you to remember is that being diagnosed with bipolar doesn't mean anything has suddenly changed. You were bipolar yesterday, the day before that, the week before that, the year before that... this isn't something that just suddenly happened and you have to now learn how to deal with. You've been dealing with it for years, and now dealing with it is going to get EASIER once you get on the right medication. Things are going to only keep getting better now that you are being treated for the correct condition.

You also have to remember that you are not bipolar, you have bipolar. You are Laura, who happens to have bipolar disorder. You are not Laura the Bipolar Girl, or Bipolar Laura. You're just Laura, period. You were always Laura, and you will always be Laura, bipolar be damned. I am Kat, not Bipolar Kat. We are not defined by our illness, although our illness does shape the course of our lives to some degree. But we as people do exist totally separately from the illness we have.

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Hey Just,

Thanks for the link.... It was interesting to read other people's account on bipolar and how they cope with the ups and downs. I love the quote you wrote too... DEFINES IT DEFINATLEY!!!!

Hey Kat,

I know... I am glad I have EVENTUALLY been diagnoised BUT.... I am still reserved as you well know all about. I would rather have my diagnosis rather than still being referred as just having sever depression.

I am a bit unsure about dealing with all the ups and downs now that I know there is an actual reason for them. I spoke to an old friend of mines... I havent seen or spoken to her in months. She is a work colleague. I told her and she said "I am so gla dyou have been finally diagnosised. You needed it" When I said Type 1 she asked what that was I said "more manic" she said "That is definatley you... you are more manic than depressed even when your depressed"

The only problem is if I am type 1 which is more manic... how come when I am depressed I become suicidal and indestructable... obviously I get these when manic too but more so when I am depressed. I am confused here.

You wonder how long you have been "ill"... I wonder have I always been like this since I was a kid? Was it something I did.... when I heard about bipolar I thought I caused it. Its scary to think that its due to a chemical imbalance though. How does that happen? No one knows I don't think.

My BIGGEST FEAR AND PROBLEM AT THE MOMENT IS BELIEVING I HAVE BIPOLAR. BELIEVING THAT I AM NOT THE DISORDER BUT THAT I HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. I WILL HAVE A HARD LONG JOURNEY TO BE ABLE TO "LOVE" MYSELF ALL OF MYSELF. ALL MY FLAWS, MY QUIRKS, THE UPS AND THE DOWNS. I FEAR I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEARN THAT ITS NOT MY FAULT. BUT I AM HOPING I WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE A LIFE AND A GOOD LIFE AT THAT. I JUST NEED A LOT OF HELP AT THE MOMENT IN LEARNING ABOUT IT ALL.

I have my blood tests in less than 2 weeks. I am looking at Lithium and a part of me is saying NOOOOOOOO and the other part of me is saying ok!!

I am very shaky at the moment... my legs are like jelly and I am staggering at times. My legs feel heavy and sore from the knee down. Also my hands are VERY shaky at times. Hard for me to type etc

Still got headaches, dizziness and also nausea.

4 weeks of no meds is playing havoc with my system!!!

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Laura, the withdrawal from antidepressants can be really hard physically. Keep hanging in there, soon enough these side effects will go away once your body is finally clear of all the meds and has returned to its normal stasis.

As far as what causes bipolar disorder, you're right, part of it is a chemical imbalance. There are also structural abnormalities in the brains of people with bipolar disorder (certain areas are larger, certain areas are smaller) that may contribute to the problem. Environmental stressors can also "kick off" bipolar disorder, things like childhood trauma, major life stress, etc. In a sense you have always had bipolar disorder, in that you always had the genes for it. But most people don't start manifesting the symptoms until their late teens or early twenties, for reasons unknown that is the point in life when the majority of people with bipolar disorder start feeling their symptoms for the first time. There is a lot of mystery out there about bipolar disorder, a lot that we still don't know. I will be excited to see what the research uncovers in upcoming years.

When you describe being both suicidal and feeling indestructible, you are describing what is known as a mixed episode. Mixed episodes are where you have the symptoms of both mania and depression at the same time. I had a bad mixed episode over the summer and during the episode I couldn't sleep, couldn't stop moving, had no impulse control, and was full of vigor and the desire to do productive things... but at the same time I was paranoid, having auditory hallucinations, self-harming, and contemplating suicide. It is a really awful head space to be in, and the suicide rate is highest for bipolar patients in the mixed episode state than in either mania or depression. This is because unlike in a depressive episode, patients who are in a mixed episode have not only the desire to kill themselves but also the energy to act out those plans. The next time you feel this way, it is really important that you seek medical help immediately. The doctors can help prevent you from doing something terrible on impulse.

I think it's important for you (and me) to remember that we are not the only ones who struggle to love all of ourselves... EVERYONE struggles to do that. Everybody out there, whether they have a mental illness or not, has a hard time loving all of their quirks, all of their thoughts and behaviors, all of their body parts, etc. I don't think anyone out there loves every single little piece of who they are, except young children who haven't been taught not to. Do you ever notice how little kids think they kick ass, that they are the baddest thing on the block, until they get older and start being influenced more by cultural expectations? That is when people start to dislike things about themselves... but until they are taught to dislike themselves, little kids love themselves. All we can do is try to get back to that innocent love for ourselves that we had as children, regardless of our mental illness.

Lithium can be a very good medication for treating bipolar disorder, particularly manic episodes, but it doesn't work for everyone. I'm only saying that so that you don't pin all of your hopes on that one medication. If it doesn't work out, there are tons of other ones out there you can try. You will eventually find one that helps control your mood episodes, whether it's Lithium or something else entirely.

---

Hey Kat,

Sorry I haven't been on here my computer was broken :(

But its been fixed now yeeha!!! :D

Since my last post to you guys.... Side effects have been banished altogether since that post so 10 days :D am on day 5 in a row of "normal" mood!! Mood has been up and down... only mildly depressed or mildly manic nothing major at all.

Had my blood test on Monday 8th November... made a GP app for Tuesday 16th November to "discuss" me!!

I don't want to take meds. I have decided that since I have had 5 normal days... and my mood has been ok since being off meds I don't need them. My Counsellor says she has noticed I am coping so much better without meds than when I was on meds oops!!!

I have stepped down as a Key Worker at work as I am pretty stressed out and don't want to go backwards. So used my initiative and dropped down. Doesn't really mean much as the pay was not upped since my "senior" role.

I have myself a new boyfriend well we have only been seeing each other for 11 days lol got my 2nd date with him on Friday afternoon :D

Only have 2-3 more sessions left with my Counsellor. Unsure what to do after they end. Unsure how I feel. Not really thinking about it. She has started asking me about my past now... up until now its all been about the present. Now she wants to dive deeper argh!!!

Work is mad but only have under 4 weeks left at work until I am off on holiday for 2 weeks :D so I am just thinking of that.

Sleep is still a nightmare... some nights sleeping and some not sleeping at all.

Have not even looked at the information sheets my Psychiatrist gave me regarding what meds to go on. Kinda been ignoring it. If I look at it I will change my mind I think.

Unsure at the moment.... been having weird days which seem to just blur into other days.

Been having a ball!!!

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11/10/10
Dear Laura,
I'm glad that you've written us. I've been always sliding the scroll bar all the way down, just in case you've posted here in the shout box, but hadn't been seeing 'hide ner hair' of you. I'm sorry that sleep is still causing you a problem, but very happy that you've got a new romantic interest and that you've opted to 'step down' from the Key Worker position, especially since it was more work for the same pay. I'm so glad that you've had some 'good days' mood-wise, and I hope that those continue. We're still here, and always interested in how you are doing. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

Thank you!!

Its been a weird "journey" since my last post in October.... not having the stability I thought I would of had by now. But hopefully soon enough. Need to wait for another week then I will have my Psych app. Just want answers at the moment. I am pretty confused over what I want and what is going on etc. Its a mad time

Thank you for saying you scroll down and see if I have posted... that has made me smile today :D that is sooo nice of you!!

---

Hey guys,

I have just came back from a Psych appointment. I have been given new med. I have to go see Psych again in 4weeks.

I have had an up and down rollercoaster month so far. Been quite sad recently lots of crying for unknown reasons etc. Just getting sick of things now. Still in denial and all that jazz... can't seem to get my head around the diagnosis and the implications in my life and all the things I need to think about and do in order to live a relatively good life.

Still working away... been at work for 6 months today actually :D STRESSFUL and HARD but I can do this I know I can... I have proven it I think :D

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11/23/10
Dear Laura,
Those six months have just flown by, haven't they? I'm glad that you've been able to stay with it so long, despite your health issues. I'm in my last semester of my two-year degree. It will end in about 6 weeks. I plan to try to stay at the same two-year college for one more semester after completing my two-year degree. There are three classes that I can still take there, that will transfer to the four-year college. It's cheaper for me to take those classes at the two-year college. At the four-year college, for example, we have to pay $100 for parking for the semester (or maybe this is for two semesters, I'm not sure).

Do you cook at home? Some mothers like to keep their kitchens to themselves. Right now, I'm cooking some soybeans. They came 'in the pod', in small, plastic containers, frozen. I rinse them, then throw them into water and boil them. When they cool, I shell them. Later, I'll cook some other vegetables with them,... garlic, tomato, potato,... whatever I've got in the fridge. If I add a can of tuna or chicken breast, then I guess I'd have to call it 'soup'? Anyway, I had to jump up just now to turn down the heat under the soybeans.

I hope that those 'new meds' will take care of the roller coaster and the unexplained crying. Will you be able to call the doctor if the new meds make something 'worse', or if they aren't helping? - jus'

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UPDATE

I have been doing good and still am... However!!

My Manager and I had an argument regarding the Christmas and New Year Rota's and she said I was "unstable" and that I need to go to my GP. She said if I get the all clear I can come back to work. So I go to my GP's and he declares me mentally well- THANK YOU!!! Anyways... My manager called me and told me not to bother coming into work as I will be paid holiday pay for Saturday, Sunday and Monday. WHY???? I am fine... My GP said I am fine too. I called GP and he is writing me a GP note which states I am fine. I was meant to have a meeting today at 2pm... but Scotland has been hit with sever thuder storms which has also trapped in snow too... been mental. Everything is at a stand still had about 4 inches of snow (inches means nothing to me either lol)

I called my manager and said you have marked me green on rota- green means sickness... she said its just so no one calls me.. I said I will be paid holiday leave then she said yes.

My GP said my Manager is trying to say I am unwell cause I had an arguement with her and I have never had an argument with her before. So she is playing on my "illness".

I NEED OUT OF MY JOB NOW!!!

Just been checking out the jobs site for my area not much going :(

So its been a mad week since I last posted.

My new med I dont feel any different on it btw... I thought it would help me but maybe in a few weeks time.

Just, all we are making is Lentil soup YUMMY!!! I love Lentil soup could eat it all the time... we add our own stuff into it and different veg etc... My Mum and I are into making soup big time lol Just finished a plate of her soup she made yesterday... added some cream into it YUMMY :D

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11/29/10
Dear Laura,
Soup, especially homemade soup, is so comforting. It's gotten cold here, too, though not so drastic as what you've described there in Scotland. When I think of Scotland, I think of my trip to Edinburgh. It was summer at the time, but even so, those huge stone buildings 'looked cold', and imagining that town with snow on the ground makes me give a little shudder. Hot soup would certainly make it more bearable.

I like lentil soup, too. Would you call yours 'menestra'? They made a lot of that in South America, when I was living there. And, it's nice that you get to do the 'soup cooking' with your mother.

I'm so sorry that your manager has taken unfair advantage of your medical history to deprive you of a good reputation at your job. I'll tell you a short story of what happened to one of my other dyscalculic friends. She is working on a 4-year degree in Social Services, with plans to graduate and get a 'real job' in Social Services. In the meantime, she took a very difficult, very demanding job, watching over juvenile delinquents who are under arrest. Let me just add that she's a wonderful, warm, caring person, and has already raised a child of her own. In spite of her best efforts, a manager gave her a 'punishing schedule' and then bad marks. Just like you, her only choice was to leave that job, because staying there would mean jeopardizing her future in the area of Social Services,... her life goal as an occupation. She had to take a job at a warehouse, working in a cold and toxic environment, while carrying a full load in college. I'm so sorry that you are going through the same mistreatment.

I'll be hoping that a nice job will turn up for you. - jus'

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Laura, it makes me so angry to hear what your manager is doing. She's trying to use the stigma of your illness to play it against you and keep you out of your workplace, and that is not fair. Just because you disagree with her doesn't mean you're any more or less ill than you were before you disagreed with her!!! Geez, some people really can't hear differing viewpoints, can they? I'm glad your doctor is on your side in this and sees the truth in the situation, hopefully you will be back at work soon and your manager will have to get over herself.

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling the stability you had wanted to yet with your medication. Just hang in there and keep trying. Sometimes it takes several trials with various different medications before you find the one that works for you, or it might be a combination of things that works best. It will just take time and effort to figure out what that best drug/combination of drugs is. I know it sucks feeling like a guinea pig and having all these different meds thrown at you, but in the end it will be worth it because when you finally DO find the combination that works best, you will feel so much better. Have you at least been sleeping any better?

---

Keep fighting, kid; give the meds some more time to settle in, and keep knocking back that soup! :)

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My work are a joke...


My manager has called me at 11am and said to meet for 2pm at work for a "stress" risk assessment.... WHY???

Well the snow here has gotten sever and no one can move... they prob havent covered my shift either. I will have to get to work via bus which is far and few between BUT how do I get home as all buses have been stopping at 7pm how do I get home...

Any advice???

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Laura, just tell them that you have to take the bus to work because you cannot drive and the buses stop running at 7 PM, so unless one of them would like to offer you a ride you will have to leave by 6:30 so that you can catch a bus back home. Or you could ask your sister or parents if they would be willing to come pick you up from work after 7 PM, whenever it is you get out. That way you could ride the bus to work, then get picked up by one of them from work and not have to worry about taking the bus home. Good luck with that!

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11/30/10
I think that the physically difficult situation regarding transportation that the manager has put you in, Laura, pretty much confirms that they have little regard for your well-being.

This reminds me of one time when I was on 'probation' to get to keep a new job. Until I passed 'probation', I didn't really know if I 'had' a job. Also, those who were on 'probation' were not called to work overtime. Then we had a terrible snow storm. The roads were covered with snow and slippery ice. The freeways only had a 'trail' where the tires got down to the ice underneath. I got a call to come to work early, doing overtime. And,... I went. I figured that, since they called me for 'overtime', they would have a hard time later saying that I 'hadn't made it past probabation'. Such has been my life's story. Just glad that I didn't have a wreck getting there. I worked 11 hours straight on the phones that day. - jus'

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Hello, Laura.

I don't know you but wanted to say you're not alone with the depression stuff.

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:) hi Riker and Laura!
Laura, I'm thinking about you...

Riker, one of things I enjoy about this forum is how supportive and gentle people generally are with each other...as you've just illustrated:)

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Hey guys,

Thanks for your messages

I am really just upset with work... major long story....

Have had it with them. Gonna try and get a new job a few jobs have cropped up 1 being in a cafe and the other being in a kids toy shop Toys R Us. I think I need to come out of the care system altogether. Its a shame as I have done it for 10 years. But hey ho!!

Think the whole fact that I went to my other manager and said I neeed to drop down from being a Key Worker... and that now apparently my Area maanger said which means I can not do my job is really hurting me.

I am now off work completely until 20th December... BONUS huh!!

I dont feel manic, or depressed or in a mixed episode I am just fine... Kat is that allowed lol apparently I have the sense that this is not allowed.

Thanks Riker and welcome to the forum :D

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Hi Laura.

You have been handling everything so well! Good on you honey, it sounds like your feeling a little better, especially since the last time we chatted! enjoy the break you deserve it Laura. Take care happy Holidays!! stay in touch:)

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Laura, being in a normal mood is DEFINITELY allowed. :) Are you on your new meds yet? If you are, it might mean that they are starting to help. If not, then it just means your brain is finding a state of equilibrium for a little while, which sometimes happens. Enjoy it while you can.

I'm sorry that things at work are going so rough for you right now. It does sound like maybe you just need a new work environment entirely. It seems like working in health care would pay more than working in retail like at Toys R Us, but maybe it would be worth it to take the pay cut and work in a better environment that is less stressful for you. I hope that you are able to find a new job soon that suits your needs better. I just recently got a new job and I am so much happier with work now.

---

Thanks Kathy and Kat :D


Thank you Kathy for those kind words... defo needed to hear that so thank you!!!

Kat, I have started my new med. Started it last Wednesday... dont feel anything different or worse or better on it... feel the same as I did when not on meds. Thank you for saying normal mood is DEFINATELY allowed. Thats all I have been feeling for a wee while now... the odd mild mania or mild depression but nothing major at all.

I think your right, think I need to get out of that mind-boggling job. Ye the pay will be lower than what I am on now and it will kill my bank account but I can always get 2 jobs no harm there.

Awwwe I am so glad your liking your new job... what do you do now?

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12/2/10
Hi Laura. Sorry that you've been so rudely 'deleted' from your job. They always have to find some way to 'blame the employee', otherwise they'd have legal liability, so please don't take it to heart. It's not 'you'; it's 'them', and their pocketbook.

This, ironically, is the best time for it to happen though, as you are now in 'shape' to go out and find another job, looking and feeling your best. If there's a job that offers you a college course or two as training, I'd say, grab that one. No one can take those 'courses completed' away from you. They will follow you wherever you go. I've been ill, so have been MIA for a few days here. - jus'

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Laura, just be careful not to take on too much. Start with one job and see how you like it, then maybe consider taking on a second job after you see what your bank account looks like (and more importantly, how you feel mentally) with one job. Or ideally, try to find a job with comparable pay to the one you're working now. Maybe another job in a related field but not at the place you're working at now? Just do your best to be very aware of yourself and your moods, and how the stress of a new job affects them. I can always tell when I'm starting to take on too many things because my moods are the first to suffer, I feel myself pulling apart at the seams and that's when I have to stop and say, "Okay, this is too much for me right now, what can I get rid of to lessen my stress?" You have to take care of yourself first and foremost.

And thank you! My new job is in customer service, but not retail. I actually work at my university now, in their computer assistance department. Whenever other students are having trouble using the online system for the university, or are having trouble with their computer itself, they call into our department. My job is to either help them solve the problem if I can, or patch them through to one of the "real" tech staff if I can't figure it out myself. It's WAY better than retail, that's for sure. Much more dyscalculia-friendly, too, since I don't have to work with money!

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12/8/10
Kat, your job sounds similar to one that I had about three years ago. People would come into the government agency where I worked, needing to fill out an online 'work skills profile', and I would help them access the site, navigate it, fill it out, and get it in operating order. I did this especially for the Spanish-only consumers. It was amusing to watch them 'get the hang' of 'scrolling', 'double-clicking', and 'copy and pasting'. That job made me feel quite computer literate by comparison. - jus'

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Hey Guys, sorry I haven't been on here in like 2 weeks.

Well... My Meeting which was meant to be on monday 29th November didnt go ahead due to snow which has been tortourous for us Scots at the mo. Then I got a call on Tuesday 30th from my Manager who wanted to meet in 2 hours. I said no as I was ill-prepared as I didnt have a representitive with me... I know what she is like and I wanted a witness to EVERYTHING that was going on and said. She told me that it wa san informal chat with my 2 managers and that I would start work again on Tuesday backshift- 3pm. I refused as I didnt have sufficent time etc. I got a call from my Area Manager asking why I wasn't in work tonight. I said cause I can't make the "informal chat" as HR is not avaliable to meet today and I was given 2 hours notice which is ridiculous. My Area Manager told me HR were avaliable????? and that I needed to come in for this meeting. I live at the far end of the city and my work is at the other end of the city. This is impossible as I was snowed in. They were refusing to listen to me and told me I MUST come in. I held on and told them no and repeated AGAIN why I was not coming in for a meeting. Anyways.... after all of this I was told to take another week off work... who knows if it is paid or not. I had a meeting with HR and a Manager from respite(which is part of my work they cater for over night stays from my guys I loook after) and myself and my friend Nicky. Meeting went well... no one knew why we were there. I wa stold to get a "stress risk assessment" and they were told to get info to do my stress risk assessment.... SENSE has NO sense. The woman said I was NOT stressed- GEE YOU THINK!!! but was under pressure which is a good thing as it pushes me which is good. She was nice and we spoke for over 1 hour. I came out comfused as I still have no idea WHY I had to go to that meeting.

Anyways... I have to contact my Area Manager when I go back to work... THOUGHT I HAD TO HAVE MY STRESS RISK ASSESSMENT DONE BEFORE I COULD GO BACK TO WORK???????????????

I have no idea anymore

I am DREADING going back to work. I go back Monday 20th December 3pm. I have had minor panic attacks thinking about it, dreams about work, dull aches in my stomach... I really wanna stay off.

I feel ok within myself... My Med is making me sleepy and tired but I still can't sleep decently yet which is frustrating me. I have been crying and tearful over the past few weeks and its really irratating me now. I just wanna feel ok again. Don't think the med has done anything different to me... I still feel the same as I did last month when I was off meds.

Really anxious about work. Not due to see GP till 23rd and Psych 29th December.

What do I do? Any suggestions?

---

PS....

Been looking for a new job and have been turned down for 3 so I am really unsure and dont wanna go abck to that pardon the work "hell hole"

Really needing someone to say it's gonna be ok... but I don't think that's gonna happen

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12/13/10
Dear Laura,
Even though I haven't been through 'exactly' what you are going through, I've been through something similar. I'd worked for ten years at a place. Now you know that I couldn't have worked there for ten years without knowing my job, right? But the local management started treating me, over all, the same inconsiderate way that you are being treated. Only last night, I was talking on the phone with one of my ex-co-workers from that place, and he mentioned how mean and unfair my boss had been to me, in the way that they got rid of me. It always makes us feel a little better when there's someone else who sees what's happening and 'speaks up'. That goes a long way toward salvaging our self-esteem, hearing someone else 'set the record straight',... that we worked hard and did the best that we could, but were 'harrassed'.

With the job situation being what it is, worldwide, I'm afraid that you may have to return to that job on the 'day indicated',... and I'm so sorry for how unpleasant this may be for you. But it does sound like you need to keep up the 'job searches', because there may come the day when it's not 'up to you' whether to go back or not. You may be 'out the door' whether you like it or not. In my case, I was fired. I appealed my case to an arbitrator, and I was found to have been 'fired without due cause'. So, at least that part of my ordeal ended well. But the memory of the 'hurt' is still with me. At least it makes me a more sympathetic person to other people's suffering.

In what other fields of work are there jobs there, these days? I'm going to paste the link to an article on 'finding work'. It may not apply to your present situation, but then again, there may be something in it that will give you a new idea. Best wishes on your job search, and on suffering as little damage as possible while you stay at your present job. - jus'
Five Keys to Finding a Jobhttp://www.watcht...cle_02.htm
(This article contains:)
Sample Résumé for Those Without Work Experience

Questions You May Be Asked During an Interview

What About Online Employment Agencies?

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Laura, am sorry to read about your job situation. It can get very disheartening to be turned down consistently. For me, it has sometimes become almost like a guessing game - guess what they want me to put down on a resume, or want me to say, so I can "win".
:|
I've been fired from jobs too. That did affect me and it was difficult but after the various times I did eventually get another job. One of my strengths is my persistence, part of which stems from the LD itself. I really am thinking of you and wish you the best, Laura <hugs>

'jus, will check out those references you gave, looks interesting-

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Hey Just,

Thank you for commenting.... I think most works are simliar huh? Thats awful though what happened to you.

Hey Rottie,

Thank you for commenting... I am just frustrated as the same jobs are coming up in the papers but unfortunately I am not getting them .

OK guys, here it goes

I broke down in tears tonight......... I hate crying. 3 solid hours of sheer crying. Had an argument with my Sister and my Dad and my friend is going through a domestic violence case so she is upset too and also my friend who has given birth to a Son her Husband has depression and hasn't been doing too good so I have had to intervene... Haha!!! I hear you say.... ME intervene Hubby was just needing reasurrance... This has all happened and its only the wee hours of Thursday Morning 1:48am

For the past few weeks I have been crying constantly and have been ignoring it. I wanted it to go away. I am really not doing great at all. I wanted to self harm tonight. But I refrained myself from doing so but I still want to. I wanted to take an extra tablet at bedtime too. My med I take at 8am and 10pm and I wanted and again still do take another extra tablet on top of the 1 I have took.

I am dreading still going back to work and all I want to do is get away from it all. I want out. I dont know how much more I can take.

Today well actually Wednesday I went to another city in Scotland to visit my friend who has given birth to a Son. My friend (another friend) came with me. We had a great day!!! I have been talking to her since we arrived home and she said I was overly cheery and that is why she thought something was up with me. She didn't know what though.... Everyone can see it bar me

So not doing good at all... everythign I do is wrong, feeling a bit weird and unsure at the moment.

What do I do?

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12/15/10
Hey back to you, Laura! We sure yell a lot, making sure that our voices carry across that big pond between us. I can totally see you giving comfort to another person feeling 'down'. But,... I thought it was the mommy, not the daddy, who was supposed to be 'blue' after a birth? I'm sure that a man who takes his responsibility seriously can be overwhelmed at the prospect of raising a child with the world going through this economy. I hope that it isn't his health that's causing it, as with good health, we can 'think' ourselves out of a lot of predicaments.

I've sent you a PM, dear. - jus'

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Hey guys,

Nightmare still....

Having sever panic attacks due to go back to work on Monday. Have been crying non stopped too.

Nothing I do works. I wanted to stay off work and get a sickline or somethign from my GP but my Mum wouldn't let me. She said I ahve to go in and see whar happens.

I am sooooo worried though.

What if I cave when I get to work and break down into tears.... I was crying for 3 hours solid on Thursday night.

I just want to give up

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Hi Laura,

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time, but please don't give up.

---

Thanks Nissa!!!

Ok... So I went back to work on Monday. I had a meeting with my Area Manager in the afternoon. We spoke about the meeting I had on Monday 6th December where they took notes regarding my Risk Assessment. Anways... She wanted to talk about my Health. I have always denied having Bipolar or any form of "illness" and after about 1 hour of persistent questions I caved in and told them I have Bipolar. Is it a weight lifted off me- NO!!! Did I do the right thing- NO IDEA!!!

Have took panic attacks since Monday and they have been consistant. What do I do?

I was at the GP today. I told her everything. She has said that she doesn't think that the tablet is not helping my mood and that I have to see Psych about this. I see Psych on 29th Dec. She said I have to tell Psych about the panic attacks and my thoughts and feelings. She offered me a sick a line which I have declined as I really can't.... My Mum and Dad have told me NOT to take time off as I am fine and thats proving a point to work. So she has given me more of Depakote as I am seeing Psych on Wed.

I explained the panic attacks and the crying and the lack of sleep are all making my life so much harder.

My work are being complete "arse's" and now have changed my rota again. I am sick of them. Defo need out now!!

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12/23/10
Sorry, Laura. Has your doctor ever offered to talk to your Mom and Dad. If you didn't live with them, I wouldn't be suggesting this, but being as you live under their roof, it's normal and expected that you would try to please them. However, it doesn't sound to me like they are really 'in the loop' as to how bad you are feeling and what the consequences could be if your health (mental and physical) isn't given priority 'now'. - jus'

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Hey Just,

I would not let her talk to my folks lol... too much privacy lost if I let her do it. I am an adult so my parents have no authority to "interfer" in a sense.

My folks understand what is going on... we just cant afford me to go off sick since they still don't have a job so I am the only income coming in along with my sister's part-time wage. My parents both know about my panic attacks.

I think they have tried so hard to understand but dont fully understand and I spoke to my Mum last night and she said she has not re-searched much as she doesn't want to scare monger herself.

I was seeing a guy and he dumped me it wasn't a long relationship but it still hurts.

I have a friend who gave birth and there has been a child abuse case regarding this. She spoke to me so I was witness. I told her I cant keep this info secret and she said "I know" so my friend another one called our NHS24 which is our health service out of services number and we have been bogged down by Social Work and the Police. Now this friend has emailed me and disowned me as she said nothing was wrong. She
was worried about her husband who has possible bipoalr too as she made allegations against him regarding their Son who is 5 weeks old.

I am pretty pissed off with her but know I defo did the right thing.

Eevrythign is just on top of me at the mo. No matter what I try and do I am still "wired" as I am thinking all the time.

I think my med will be changed and hopefully I can get something to help me sleep and with my anxiety and panic attacks as its all getting OTT at the moment

---

Laura, I'm sorry to hear about how hard things have been for you lately. Panic attacks along with bipolar are not uncommon - about 20% of people who have bipolar disorder also have what is known as panic disorder, meaning they have repeated panic attacks. I also have panic disorder, but it has gotten a lot better with therapy. I know how it feels to always be worried about when that next panic attack is going to strike, though. It's an awful feeling, so I do empathize strongly with you right now.

I wish I had some kind of sage advice or wisdom for you, but all I can say is to hang in there. You did the right thing with your friend regarding the social services/child abuse case, you couldn't have been asked to do anything else except tell the truth. Don't feel bad about the truth, and don't let that incident continue to stress you out. It's over, you did the right thing, just let it go.

If your mom won't do the research on bipolar disorder or panic disorder, then there's nothing you can really do to make her, just keep encouraging her to become educated about it. It took my mom months before she would pick up the books I suggested to her, but she eventually did. It was really hard for her, to acknowledge and fully accept that I have a life-long mental illness that is not going to just "go away." She is my mom and she wants me to be perfect and to achieve all the great things in my life that I want, and for her to accept that I'm not perfect and I might not have all of the things I want... I understand, it's hard for her, it took her a while to get to that point. Your mom will get there eventually, just give it time.

Always feel free to PM me if you want to talk specifically about something, you know that. Big hugs.

---

12/23/10
Yes, Laura, you did the right thing, telling the authorities about the child abuse case. The mother of the child isn't thinking straight right now. I once made a similar report, upsetting one of my best friends. We don't report things to be the hero, but because to do nothing would be wrong.

Does your town have online listings of jobs? Have you made a resume? Is there some kind of 'home based work' that you could help your mother and father learn to do that would provide some income? I don't need to know, of course. These are rhetorical questions. I hope that you'll get some sleep tonight. - jus'

---

Hey Kat,

I thought I was going mad as it just kept happening. The oddest one was I was in the office and no one was about and I took one... why?? So random!!

I know the problem with my friend is that I know I did the right thing... I work in care I deal with abuse at times and I know what it's like to be "blinded" by the thought she is my friend. But needs must huh!!! Think I am just upset that its all landed on me when in fact it was our mutual friend who actually called the authorities as I was panicing and she said she would do it. But hey ho!!

Ye guess my Mum will eventually start reading stuff. I said I just dont want to push myself too much as I know I will have a relapse if I do. My Mum said I wont as I know what to look out for etc. I said but that means nothing as I might not be able to "catch it" and will maybe need time off work. But she still says I wont. I think it is the whole acceptance thing huh!!! As much as she thinks she is ok with it. I have books but am a bit scared to give them to her as she will read me completely. I still want some of it to be hidden from her.

Thanks Kat... will do :D

Hey Just,

I know I dd the right thing... it's just hard to get your head around. I am certainly no hero and I think that my friend needs to understand that I did it as I could NEVER forgive myself if anythign happended to her son, her husband or infact to her herself. She will in time I guess but it still hurts.

Ye I have a CV- resme and I have a few jobs lined up well hopefully.

I am worrying about disclosing my diagnosis... GP said I do not need to but then its a catch 22 situation to be in. Kat I may PM you about this ok!!!

My folks have applied for even low paid jobs just nothing as there is no jobs out there at the moment. We do have some income coming in ie a benefit made to those who have been made redundant but that will soon be finished. Its not much money either. My worry is that the Government will be cutting benefits etc in the new year so what will we do. I am worried about that. Think I am the only one in the house hold who is worried. I am the worrier of the pack unfortunately.

Well guys.... I just wanna wish you both a Very Merry Christmas and I hope you both have a great day!!!! I will be awaiting my presents from Santa lol I am just looking forward to the food heehee!!! xxxx

---

Back from seeing Psych...

Have been referred to see a CPN so now on their waiting list. I have been told my panic attacks are actually anxiety attacks. He upped my dosage of med too. Said it should help with my anxiety.

Anxiety has kicked in for work. Due to leave house in abotu 30 mins. Not feeling the greatest

Work has a big part in this feeling

---

12/29/10
Dear Laura,

Sites with online job listings:

http://www.glassd...49_IP3.htm

http://www.paysca...dee/Salary

http://www.1job.c...dee%20City

http://www.jobswo...tland.html

http://www.redgol...-in-dundee

http://www.dundee...

http://www.jobs1....tland.html

http://www.online...iters.html

CPN? CPN, Community Psychiatric Nurse (UK)? What for?
Okay, I just couldn't rest until I'd done that, even if you've tried all of them. - jus'

---

Hey Just thanks... will check the websites out hopefully you have given me more jobs than what I have found.

Ye Community Psychiatric Nurse... to go over symptoms and to make sure I understand my illness... no idea why though but Psych says I need it

---

12/29/10
Okay, Laura. Let us know how it goes. Now, you know how to use the 'word search' at the top of those sites, don't you? Honestly, Laura, if you find something that's close to your house, your parents might get up the enthusiasm to go interview for it themselves. What if you were to get married and move out? You would have your own expenses to take care of. It would be good for your parents to keep active at whaever their health allows. Older people start to loose mental acuity when they aren't in school and aren't working either. I'm just saying... - jus'

---

Hey Just,

Your completely right. Fingers crossed


Not been feeling well today as my dosage has been upped rather ill :( Thinking it is the medication but it could be a bug... great way to end 2010 huh!!

---

12/20/10
Dear Laura,
These are more hiring agencies, but different from those above.

http://www.keyper...ncy.co.uk/

http://www.adecco...

http://www.search...efault.asp

http://www.hays.c...cothays123

http://www.brooks...

http://www.deap.c...

http://www.enrecr...ent.co.uk/

Newport
http://www.totalj...

Newport
http://www.newpor...2god1jhopg

---

Ok my work are again reeling me up

I have now got an action plan due to my sickness levels in this financial year. This means I am not allowed off for 2 months and then it gradually goes higher up.

Then there are my 2 risk assessmnets for my bp!!! Still waiting on it... they cant seem to figure out what to do with me.

My managers all think I am paranoid and unstable according to my area manager. Eevryone I talk to in work says they are trying to push me out

I am gonna go to Citizen's Advice on Monday.

I am manic at the mo... I am maybe a bit too manic than what I would like. I have 7 guys I am speaking to and possibly meeting up with 4 of them alll whom live in England.

Arggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!! stop all the buzzing going on

I feel like I am going mad.... but the funny thing is I am coping/managing.

Sleep PHEW whats that.... yesterday I was up until 5am and now its nearly 3am and I am WIDE AWAKE!!!

Just dont need to sleep

---

Hey laura,:)

Sending you a big gentle hug across the waves, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Take care - well wishes
Kathy :)

---

Thanks Kathy....

Eventually went to bed around 6am and am COMPLETELY SHATTERED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to leave for work in over an hour. Nightmare. Don't think I am functioning today.

My head wonders when it will all be over but I really dont know

---

1/7/10
Dear Laura,
I'm sorry that you don't get time off for a while. It's difficult to get through those times, especially when you have other matters to take care of, and no extra time off from work to get things done.

I may not be following your train of thought on part of what you wrote, so I'll paste it here to ask you about it.

You said:
"I am gonna go to Citizen's Advice on Monday.

I am manic at the mo... I am maybe a bit too manic than what I would like. I have 7 guys I am speaking to and possibly meeting up with 4 of them alll whom live in England. "

Are the 7 guys that you are speaking to and the possible meeting up with 4 of them potential boyfriends? Or do they have anything to do with the previous statement about "Citizen's Advice"? I'm guessing that they don't have anything to do with 'Citizen's Advice',... but just checking. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

I know... but guess it's fair in some weird sense.

No the guys were from an online site I have just joined. I don't think I even like them... but am still wanting them (does that make sense)???

Tonight I feel exhausted.

I have made a GP appointment but I don't know why?? Think I might cancel it as I guess I wasn't thinking



Citizens Advice I will see on Monday.

---

Laura, I would strongly encourage you to bring a friend (or two) with you when you meet these guys who you met online. As cynical as it sounds, you never know what kind of people you meet online, so you have to take precautions when you meet them face-to-face for the first time. I know you know all these things, but I just wanted to reiterate them. Meet in a very public place, bring a friend (or at least tell your family where you are going and when they should expect you back), do not go home with these people the first time you meet them, etc. Just be safe. :)

---

1/7/11
Dear Laura,
It's fun to feel 'noticed' and 'appreciated',... and even more so when things haven't been going well. You've had to deal with a lot of unkind people lately, so right now, you might be very vulnerable to a devious fellow's flattery. Please don't make an appointment that you could regret for the rest of your life. I know that you'll survive a broken heart,... you've done that already. I'm concerned for your physical safety.

One trick that people use on the internet is the use of a 'sockpuppet'. A 'sockpuppet' is really that very same person, but using a different log-in name. If not the 'same' person, then his 'partner in crime' can serve as his 'sockpuppet'. The 'sockpuppet' proceeds to tell you that he knows 'fellow number one' and what a 'great guy' that 'fellow number one' is, so that it seems like someone who knows him is 'vouching' for him. - jus'

Here's the Wiki link on 'Sockpuppet':
http://en.wikiped...(Internet)

---

I dont think I will meet these guys....

I was really manic for that period. I am calmer now (kinda)

Am I doing the right thing about seeing GP.... Think I should cancel it

Its now after 5am and I am WIDE AWAKE!!! I have been up for 18 hours solid. Prob more since I never sleep now a days

---

Pulled an all nighter.... been up since Friday 10am its now 8:45am feeling OK but a bit hungover. WIDE AWAKE. Now moved to my bed room but pretty much awake. No one is up and I have no one to talk to the joys!!! Damn u insomnia

---

1/8/10
Dear Laura,
Go to your GP appointment. There has to be someone who can figure out your insomnia. Maybe this time the GP will have a better idea. - jus'

---

Jus, I'm glad you brought up the point about the sock puppets. It's so important to keep yourself safe online, this forum is a great place but not all forums are like this one.

Laura, I'm glad you decided not to meet up with these guys. They might be great people, but they might not be. It's best that you don't make a decision during a manic episode that you will hugely regret later. I have permanent reminders of bad decisions I've made while manic. Some in the form of art... some in the form of physical scars. You have to try your best to recognize when you are manic and take extra care of yourself.

I agree with Jus, going to your GP can't hurt anything. It's free for you, after all, and it's important to stay in regular touch with your doctor while you are trying to find the right medication to stabilize you. I really do feel strongly that once you find the right mood stabilizer, your sleep patterns are going to improve a lot. I had that experience, once I got on my mood stabilizer I suddenly started sleeping through the night for the first time ever. Even though I'm off the medication now, I still sleep much better than I used to, because I had 9-10 months of solid, normal sleep. I think it "re-wired" my brain's circadian rhythms, because my natural ability to fall and stay asleep improved a lot.

---

Thanks Just and Kat....

What if I go to GP and she says I am fine... I feel fine now despite obviously the lack of sleep not good but I am glad I am off for a few days.

Kat... I felt buzzed, like I was being someone else... not completely indestructable but kinda "invisible" to the real me. Feeling really good to talk to these guys who seemed interested in me.

Today I have kinda withdrew a little from them and just said maybe in time we can meet but not yet. They all seemed ok with that.

What I am worried about is that I am in so much water with work that I cant be off again nor can I be seen to be "ill" again. Worrying about work finding out. Not told anyone bar u guys on here. Really worried as I know work are wanting me out.

Oh my Area manager said I talk in 3rd person when I am ill and that I become very paranoid too. I dont think this is true and when I asked my friend non of them could recall this being me nor could my own family.

Seriously my med can't be upped again can it? It was upped less than 2 weeks ago

---

1/8/11
One thing that doctors will sometimes ask you to do is to keep a written log of (for example, like in your case) how much sleep you get each night of the week, and if you get any sleep during the day if you didn't get to sleep during the night. You might go ahead and write down, day by day, the past few days and nights (however far back you can remember for sure), and continue keeping a log until you go to your appointment. Then you'll be able to give the GP something 'concrete', so that she can better judge how bad of a problem you have.

Even if the fellows were 'good people', you'll have a better time meeting them when you get your insomnia problems under control. You'll know that whatever you say or do is 'the real you', and not the 'sleep deprived you'. Nobody feels good without enough sleep.

Regarding what your 'Area Manager' says about your behavior,... Laura, I worked along side a woman who should have had the starring role in the movie "Mean Girls". Once a person gets the idea of making you 'doubt yourself', they may have no conscience that tells them to 'stop'. Put very simply,... some people lie. Yes, some people lie. If you have a small digital tape recorder, tape yourself when you are talking at work, and listen to it later. You are probably saying nothing at all that's out of the ordinary. I'm so sorry that you're being put under so much stress.

I hope that you've been turning in job applications online. Have you received any replies? - jus'

---

Hey Just,

I already keep a sleep diary which goes along with my mood diary too. In the diary there is a mood, sleep, medication, trigger section. I have also written a proper diary as there is not any room to write anything in the diary the Psych gave me. So I have a huge note book which has a section for meds, professional help, anxiety section, sleep section, mood section. Its all colour co-ordinated too lol. Psych said he was glad I was keeping up with my project of co-cordinating it as it means it wasn't a one off situation. I have to explain my moods and what I did when I was manic or depressed etc

I feel really scared but excited about talking to the guys. I dont think anything will come of it as I am better now. I feel much better after thinking to myself last night "omg what have I done" kinda kicked myself up the bum.

I loved the film Mean Girls lol.... My Area Manager said I was paranoid and talking in 3rd person and my Manager (woman) said I was unstable. Not got much going for me lol

Had 3 turn downs for jobs I knew I wouldnt of got them but thought I would apply anyways. Just hunting for jobs today now I feel kinda awake lol

---

1/9/11
Dear Laura,
Turn downs on jobs are the most common answer these days, but I'm glad that you applied anyway. Regarding what your Area Manager said about you,... I think that you might have been trying to 'distance' yourself from either the 'work situation' or from 'her'. It's probably very painful to hear an unkind response from her to your questions or comments. If you've spoken in the 'third person', you might have done this to protect yourself from further 'hurt feelings'. I doubt that you have any 'deeper' problem than this.

With better sleep, you'll feel stronger emotionally. - jus'

---

Not doing too good....

MANIC!!!!!

GP wants me off work as I am being "Hypo-Manic" since the 7th January. He says technically I should be off work as I am showing signs of falling deeper into mania. He has said I can go to work on one condition.... I go see my normal DR on Tuesday. Why is it all being weird now.

Work, me, finances, family, denial, "illness" everything getting on top of me I think

He was not impressed that I was talking to 7 different guys and wanted to meet them let alone sharing "naughty" photo's After re-reading what I did etc I am mortified. Why do I do these things when I am "ill" I also wanted to spend £300 on items online... GP doesnt know this though. Really worried

I have a meeting tomorrow at work regarding my 2 risk assessments kinda worried.

Anxiety attacks have kicked in- GREAT!!!

I got upset last night when I was researching bipolar... I was watching the episode of 90210 when Silver does all the crazy stuff that leads to her diagnosis of bipolar..... Afterwards I went on a mad research bid and found out that Ben Stiller and Robin WIlliams have bipolar too... I already knew this but it made me feel ok. I am not a freak.

I wrote a very long MSN message to my friend Katriona... I just kept writing and writing and writing. I had talked to her previously to doing this re my GP appointment. She laughed when I told her she has a VERY long email to read

I feel fine now!!! NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME... NO MAJOR ISSUES AT ALL

---

1/12/11
Hi Laura,
I'm getting ready to start another semester at college,... three classes this time. I hope that I can handle them all. I'll take them at a Community College, but they will tranfer to a 4-year University toward my Bachelor of Arts in Art degree, later.

I've gotten a little confused while reading your last post. The GP that you saw the last time isn't your 'normal doctor'? Sorry. I guess I'm not keeping up with all the details,... so many appointments, assessments, and doctors that you've been having. It's confusing that, even though that last GP doesn't think that you should return to work, you've still got to see your 'normal doctor' to get a final decision. All those appointments, with no definitive answer regarding your employment, must be a drain on you, physically and emotionally.

Have you been looking into what financial or student resources there are for you, if, indeed, your doctors decide that you aren't well enough to work? I think that there are surely less stressful and demanding jobs 'out there' than the one that you've been doing, and that, with the right 'degree' or 'certificate', you could function admirably doing something where you weren't having to defend yourself from physical attacks by pacients,... and verbal attacks by management.


Photos,... well, duh. No wonder they were 'interested'. No, Laura, please take better care of yourself. - jus'

---

1/12/11
Might any of the educational links on this page be helpful to you, Laura? - jus'
http://www.direct...DG_4016530

---

Laura - thinking of you.....
hugs-

---

Hey Just,

Will check out websites tomorrow.... heading to bed soon as I am working at 8am tomorrow :(

The GP I saw on 11th January was not my normal one. He has seen me before regarding work issues 25th November though so knows me. He wants me to see my normal GP as she is a woman and I can't tell him what I did when manic as he has known me my whole life... he is my actual family doctor.... We can go between doctors in Scotland.

But my normal GP the woman is off sick so I have an appointment with the other frmale doctor I see when "normal GP" is off on holiday. My normal gp will be on maternity soon and that's making me feel a bit sad.

I don't know if I wanna do anything anymore. Job wise that is. I feel I wont succeed at anything at the moment as I dont know how to control myself. I had thought about going to college but I am too stupid and add the bipolar and all that jazz.

I know the photo's weren't my brightest idea huh!!! told you I am stupid!!

Hey Rottie,

THANKS!!

PS.... My friend is at me to go on benefits if I need to go off sick from work... I AM WELL ENOUGH TO WORK... I AM NOT DISABLED

But I know what she means... kinda, maybe, unsure?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does it seem there is no space in my life anymore... I am being pulled by everything that surrounds me not good!!

My friend said I was "manic/ different" yesterday when she spoke to me said I was sad/down but not majorly depressed mixed in with being hyper not full blown mania.

NO 1 MOOD A DAY HUH!!!

---

Laura,
YOU ARE NOT STUPID

LOVE
ME
<Rottie>

---

1/12/11
Oh, that's a lot of doctors in your life, isn't it? You seem to like the female doctor who will soon be on maternity leave best. I think that 'being pulled in too many directions' is something that many are experiencing these days, due to the world's economy. So, it sounds like you're going to try to stay at that same job you've had. Is that what you're saying? If you are able to stay, fine. But if you loose that job, please remember that this could be the beginning of an even better job, one where your skills and your caring nature will be even more appreciated. It makes me feel bad when you get put under so much stress, from others at work.

Regarding the photos,... You are a lovely young woman. I just want you to 'take better care of yourself'. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

Lol ye lots of GP's for lil old me lol... Its ok its only 3 I go between and then 4 including my Psych. I really get on well with my female main GP lol. She has been with me since I became depressed and has seen me through all my stages of illness.

I dont have a choice until I get another job or they sack me lol I hope I can have a normal life but I am confused about where my life is going at the moment. I am working today (Thursday) and its 130am I AM WIDE AWAKE!!!

Sorry Just, I feel "free" in a sense where I have no control over what I do.... Like I am being allowed to express myself. I feel ashamed now and I am crushing myself about it... kinda did it again tongiht... I am not manic though I am fine... Honest!!!

---

Laura, those photos don't make you stupid, they make you mentally ill. You have an illness and it is poorly treated, and that is going to undoubtedly make you do crazy things. Jus is right, it's no wonder those guys were interested in you after you sent them those pictures. I am especially glad you did not go meet up with them now... I have no doubt that their intentions were bad.

I also wanted to add that having bipolar disorder does not make you a freak, nor does it make you unable to work or attend school. I do both - I work part time and I go to school full time. My disorder is well controlled. You have to get to a point where you are mostly in control of your mood episodes - be it through medication, therapy, alternative strategies, or all of the above - and then you will realize that you CAN work, you CAN go to school, you CAN do whatever it is you want to do. The disorder won't stop you, but you have to control it first.

Having bipolar disorder is a bit like having a wild horse... untamed, it can and will trample the living shit out of you. Tame and train it, and you can get where you want to go.

---

Hey Kat,

Is it my fault that I am ill? Did I make myself be this way this time? The guys all seem genuine esp the ones I am still speaking to.

Everything will come EVENTUALLY when I get better right!!

Bipoalr sucks big time and I am at a lost as to what to do now.

---

1/12/11
Dear Laura,
Are you working a night shift, or are you supposed to be home getting your 'beauty sleep' right now,... while you are wide awake? You've had to work 'night shifts', haven't you? Do you think that that was when your internal 'clock' began to go haywire?

I couldn't quite 'follow you' in your last paragraph (in post #102). I don't want you to feel any worse than is necessary for you to stop yourself. Whoever figures out how to 'undo the past' will make a fortune selling 'do overs'. We'd all like to change something that we've done sometime in the past. Forgive me for pasting here the link to a quite strong article for young people entitled 'Chat Rooms —What Should I Know About Them?' It's from 2005, but it's still valid today. - jus'

http://www.watcht...cle_01.htm

EXCERPT:
"... you might see a chat room as a place where you can express yourself anonymously, without fear of embarrassment. Even so, there is another danger that you should be aware of..."

---

Laura, of course it's not your fault that you are ill. Bipolar disorder is a genetic illness, it's biological. It isn't a character flaw and you didn't "deserve" it in any way. It's just like any other genetic illness that you're born with. For example, say someone is born deaf. Is it their fault that they're deaf? Did they deserve to be born deaf? Did they do ANYTHING at all to make them deserve deafness as some kind of 'punishment'? Of course not. It's no different with bipolar disorder. You aren't being punished, you didn't earn this as some sort of negative consequence to an action you did. It's a genetic mental illness, that was triggered by something in the environment. No more, no less.

---

I see what you're saying in terms of the general comparison, 'Kat -
let me add one thing kindly from my perspective. Being born deaf is not an illness, disability or a problem in itself. Some deaf parents are very happy to find out their child is deaf. This is a cultural perspective as opposed to hearing or medical perspective.
thanks for considering-

:)

---

1/13/11
RW, most people consider deafness to be a disability. A deaf couple I knew were very happy that their son was born 'hearing'. - jus'

---

ah, but see, this is the difference between the hearing perspective and the cultural perspective.There are two different worlds here. Deaf culture considers deafness a linguistic and cultural difference, not a disability. Any perceived "disability" or barrier is due to stereotypes and lack of knowledge by hearing <which doesn't always literally mean "hearing"> people.
The deaf couple you refer to may or not be Deaf.

---

Laura, how are you today?

---

1/13/11
According to the Bible, God will do away with all disabilities, for everyone, in the future. Here's a link to an article containing Scriptural quotations, entitled How Disabilities Will End. - jus'

http://www.watcht...cle_02.htm
EXCERPT:
The Bible foretells: "At that time the eyes of the blind ones will be opened, and the very ears of the deaf ones will be unstopped. At that time the lame one will climb up just as a stag does, and the tongue of the speechless one will cry out in gladness." (Isaiah 35:5, 6) But how can we be sure that this truly amazing prophecy will be realized?

EXCERPT, from further down in this article:
Deafness: While Jesus was in the Decapolis, a region east of the Jordan River, "the people there brought him a man deaf and with a speech impediment." (Mark 7:31, 32) Not only did Jesus heal this person but he also revealed deep insight into the feelings of the deaf, who may be embarrassed in crowds. The Bible tells us that Jesus took the deaf man "away from the crowd privately" and healed him. Again, eyewitnesses were "astounded in a most extraordinary way," saying: "He has done all things well. He even makes the deaf hear and the speechless speak."—Mark 7:33-37.

---

hi 'jus:)
I appreciate your taking the time to share that with me, though I'm not religious and do not follow the Bible or any religious doctrine.

for me, the Deaf cultural perspective serves me-

:)

---

Hey guys,

I wrote all my posts yesterday when I should of been asleep... I was up until 2am ish.

I was alright today.... despite feeling drained.

Had my meeting at work...

I have been given 2 week annual leave due to they dont know what to do with me. I have been told I am NOT fit to work. I am so upset. I cried in the meeting. Both HR and my Area Manager has said I need to use this time to not think about work, worry or anything like that. I have 2 weeks at least off as they want my GP and Psych reports. My Area Manager has said my job is not looking good as she says I can not work where I am due to the stress but EVERY other area in my region is the same as we are all Housing Support. I am so angry, upset, peeved, humiliated, drained..... I just dont know why I bother anymore.

I really appreciate you guys talking to me. My Family think I am fine and says its my work who are causing me grief. My Mum in particular was snappy when I told her I had 2 weeks off.... some things never change she was like this when I was depressed last year.

I just wanna get drunk or something what's the point anymore!!!!!!!!

---

1/13/11
Dear Laura,
So, I take it that it's not two weeks off 'with pay'? How long will it be before they get both your GP and your Psych reports?... by the end of two weeks?

Okay,... let's see,... your family thinks that you are fine. Your mother was snappy with you when you told her that you have two weeks off. And, she was snappy with you, the same, when you were depressed last year. Were you given 'time off' last year, too, when she was snappy with you? Are you sure that she thinks that you are 'fine' now?

I'm just guessing but it sounds like you won't be having this problem much longer, as your Area Manager is already telling you that your job isn't 'looking good'. Worst case scenario,... could your mother get paid for taking care of you? I know that it's not what you want. In the State of California, one of my acquaintances had Multiple Sclerosis. She lived with her mother, and her mother got paid to take care of her. Other US States that I was familiar with didn't have that provision, so I was surprised when I heard about it. For them, it was a real blessing. They were just glad that they lived somewhere that would help them that way.

You might research this and present it to your mother. If she doesn't want to do it for you, maybe your father would take the job. People are having to do unusual things to survive these days that they never would have expected. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

No I am getting paid as they want me off not me being off if you understand that? Hopefully they will get the reports by next week sometime. I have gave permission so they would of email or called or written to them today. I get to see the reports before my work does which is good as I can question what GP or Psych have written.

Ye last year I was given time off due to depression and my Mum was like that on the phone and in person.... so much better when you don't live with them I can hide from them.

I haven't told them that I had a manic day on 7th but I have been getting into trouble for being harsh, bitching, moody in the house and told to calm down quite a lot... I hate when people tell you to calm down when your calm.

I see where you are coming from Just, my Mum was a fulltime carer for my Sister and my Granda and only stopped that roll 6 years ago when my Granda died. My Sister has gotten better. I am not sick though. You knwo what I mean? Like I am not physically ir visibally disabled/injured. The invisible disorder huh!! Ye guess that is an option

I think I have cried at every single word that I have read tonight on bipolar. I cant breastfeed if I have kids as my meds actually enter my mik, driving is not looking good since I have type 1 and am more reckless/dangerous on the roads and now it appears I may not have a job in the near future. My Mum has came into my room quite a few times and has asked if I am alright.... NO I AM NOT BLOODY ALRIGHT I HAVE BEEN TOLD I AM UNFIT TO WORK FOR 2 WEEKS!!!!!!!!! I responded by saying "well no but I will get over it"

I hate not being able to talk to my Counsellor about this she would know what to say even if I could just cry. I cry in my bedroom btu feel I have to be quite so no-one hears me and also I feel like a gimp. When I saw my Counsellor I was able to be me kinda like I was free. Now I feel like a loser.

I kinda hurt myself tonight maybe I am mental/unstable/unfit/freak

---

1/13/11
Dear Laura,
I'm glad that at least you are getting paid. Yes, I see the difference in them 'sending you home' and you 'taking two weeks off'. And, that's good that you'll get to review the report and object to anything that's mistaken in it, before it gets passed on to others.

I searched and found a relatively recent article on depression, including 'bipolar'. It has a list of 'issues' that I thought might be helpful to you. Down at the bottom of the article, the word 'comfort' is a link that will take you to another short article. The good part about that second article is that it tells people how they should treat a person who has depression. The bad part about it is that nobody is being so 'nice' to you as they should be. I'm so sorry, Laura. None of us here can comfort you personally, the way that you deserve. And, none of us can teach the people in your life to 'behave themselves'. But at least I can leave you with 'one more article' on depression. I hope that it will give you a little more of a lift than the others that you've been reading.
http://www.watcht...cle_02.htm

The job situation here is grim, as well. Even customer service has 'dried up', as it seems that people in foreign countries have done quite well at learning English of late, and taken those jobs, as well as the manufacturing jobs.

Try eating some ginger? or cayenne pepper? That should 'hurt' plenty, and without doing any damage. In fact, it would be healthy! - jus'

---

Laura, if you are hurting yourself then you need to talk to your counselor about it as soon as possible. Self harm is a maladaptive coping mechanism that people use to deal with very strong emotions that they do not feel capable of handling - sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, anger, guilt, etc. Your counselor should be helping you learn more effective coping strategies to use in place of self harm so that you can use THOSE strategies to deal with your strong feelings, not hurting yourself.

In the meantime, here are a few "stop-gap" methods that will help you when you have the urge to self harm:

1. Pop a rubber band on your wrist. It won't break the skin but it will sting, and it may even leave a mark, which would imitate the marks left by self-injury which are sometimes gratifying for the patient.

2. Hold pieces of ice against your inner arms. Cold pain is nearly intolerable, and you will reach a point where the pain is so intense that you have to pull away. The ice will not hurt you at all.

3. Eat something intolerably spicy, like Jus suggested - cayanne pepper, a plain piece of ginger root, a spoonful of sriracha sauce... whatever is so spicy that it causes you physical pain, but no physical damage. Do not eat a lot of this because too much would irritate the lining of your stomach, but a large spoon of sriracha should be enough to satisfy your desire for self-inflicted pain. Heck, a few drops of that stuff is more than enough for me.

4. Use markers to draw on your skin instead of damaging it. Make big red angry lines, write words that express your feelings, decorate your whole body arm from wrist to elbow if you want to (use washable, non-toxic markers, obviously). Then take a nice, long hot shower and wash it all away.

5. Set a timer for 20 minutes and write non-stop about your feelings for that period of time. Why you want to harm yourself, what the pros and cons of harming yourself are, etc. Do not stop writing until the whole 20 minutes is up, even if you feel like you've run out of things to say. Keep thinking up new things to say, keep digging up new feelings, and if you still have more to say after 20 minutes then ignore the timer and keep on writing. Very often you will find that if you just wait 20 minutes and WRITE about those feelings instead of acting on them in a physical way, your desire to self harm decreases.

I hope one or all of those things helps you. Please talk to your counselor.

---

Hey Just,

I have enjoyed reading the articles your giving me. As much as I know about depression I still seem to find more info taht I didn't take in.

Will check out ways to help me stop hurting myself... head is a bit sore. My stress ball does nothing for me.

Hey Kat,

I don't see my Counsellor anymore. Not seen her since November as my time ran out with her.

I will try out your thoughts of calming it all down though. I have been so good and not hurt myself and then I just did and it was like heck where did this come from. I dont think I can stop myself sometimes.

Its all hard at the moment. I have been getting a "talking to" from my folks about work and I am SICK of it. I have spent all night in my room in my bed. Only wish I could stay there but my Mum is moaning at me to get up.

I just want someone to do the hard stuff for me instead of me doing it as its too hard.

I am seeing GP on Tues so hopefully she will be able to help me??

---

1/14/11
Dear Laura,
I'm glad that you enjoyed the articles. I really did put effort into finding you something 'current' and 'on point' with your challenges. I went looking for something else just now, but what I found was, instead, something that *I* enjoyed. It's not on depression, bipolar, joblessness, or disabilities. It's an article about Macadamia Nuts. Yes. And you've just got to listen to it. It's short,... only about 5 minutes long. And 'get this',... since Macadamia Nuts come from Australia, the man's voice reading the article out loud is that of an Australian man. Okay, I admit it. I really like hearing his voice. The Australian accent makes everything sound like they are having so much fun.

So, Laura, this will take a tiny bit more trouble for you than the other links to articles that I've sent you. I'll give you the link, but then you must click on the drop down menu for the 'month' and choose November 2010. Then scroll down, and look at the list toward the bottom of the page, under Awake! — November 2010. Choose "The Macadamia Nut—Australia’s Native Delicacy" by clicking over on the right, on the letters MP3. A screen will open up and the recording will begin playing. If you've never used your computer this way before, you may be automatically offered some free software that should allow you to hear the recording. Please let me know how it goes, and if you have any trouble opening it. - jus'
http://www.jw.org...YQZRQVNZNT

---

Hey Just,

The guys voice was cool huh!!! Aussie accents are cool

Got a letter today from Psychiatry. I have to go and see the CPN on Friday at 10am.

Got a letter from work along with the minutes from the meeting.... work are saying I could be "sacked" for being medically unfit to work

Nothing is going right and everything is going to pot!!!

I am slightly manic tonight and I really dont care. I ahven't took my med tonihgt either and I don't care. I am fine. Its 1236am and I was meant to take it at 10pm

I am really getting sick of this crap. Anyone wanna trade?

Anyone know what I can do re work I am going to see Citizens Advice Bureau tomorrow well today lol

---

1/17/11
Dear Laura,
My research is very long,... so long that I appologize for posting it all here. But, here goes.
http://www.youngs...p;ID=22805

Laura, according to this information,… please make sure that it is very clear, at the time of your departure, that you are not leaving your job by your own choice. Apparently, the law in the UK is the same as the law in the US on this point. You’ll loose your entitlement to any government financial help as a ‘jobseeker’ if you quit your job. Please get documentation from your employers that you are being ‘terminated’ by them, and not the other way around.

http://www.youngs...&sr=72
EXCERPT:
Leaving Voluntarily
If you decide to leave your job because you don’t like working there, this may affect your benefit entitlement. You may be entitled to a reduced rate of Jobseekers Allowance, or even be refused it for up to 26 weeks. This could be very hard financially if you don’t have savings, or can’t find another job.
END EXCERPT

I know that you are reluctant to leave your job, and that you feel that you do good work most of the time. If you really believe that you can stay there and continue to do that same job, then here is how to ‘fight against’ being fired.

http://www.youngs...amp;ID=527EXCERPT:
Discrimination & Harassment
If you or someone you know is being discriminated against at work, either sexually, racially or because of a disability, then read the info below to find out what you can do to get help and advice.
Most firms promote equal opportunities at work but, sadly, there are still times and places where people are discriminated against because of their age, colour, sex etc.
Don’t leave your work if you are being harassed or discriminated against. Although it is probably the hardest thing in the world, it may have been happening before you arrived and will continue if you don’t do anything about it.
It is illegal for an employer to discriminate against you, just as it is illegal for either your employer or co-worker to harass you.
END EXCERPT

Did you notice the word ‘disability’ in the above excerpt? If you want to try to keep your job, I think that you will have to bring your documentation of your ‘disabilities’ into the discussion. Please check with your Citizen’s Advice Bureau on how to best present this issue and ‘to whom’ you should present your disability documentation.

At the bottom of the above link, you’ll find the following information:
EXCERPT:
Disability Discrimination
People with disabilities are exactly that – people. The Disability Discrimination Act ensures employers look at individual situations. A person with disability should not be barred from employment, unless their disability would genuinely and significantly impede them from doing the job, and when there is nothing an employer can reasonably do to overcome this.
Employers cannot favour one person over another on the grounds of disability. They must employ the most able person for the job. Employers are also obliged to make reasonable adjustments to buildings and furniture if they disadvantage a disabled employee. Under the DDA, you can take legal action where an employer (employing more than 15 people – part-time and/or full-time) discriminates against you because of a disability for any of the reasons above.
Pick up leaflet ‘DS14JSP Employing People With Disabilities' from your local Jobcentre.
You can get your hands on them for free at the Direct Gov website or by contacting the Equality and Human Rights Commission (details above).
‘A Code Of Practice For The Elimination Of Discrimination In The Field Of Employment Against Disabled Persons, Or Persons Who Have Had Disability' (luckily the reading is better than the title) – is useful for general guidance on employment issues under the Act.
You can buy it from The Stationery Office (TSO Ltd) by phoning 0870 600 5522 - £9.55. There’s also a branch at 71 Lothian Road, Edinburgh EH3 9AZ.
Last modified: 09/12/2010 13:24:28
END EXCERPT

From here, everything will depend on how well you can use your disability documentation to your own advantage. Best wishes, Laura.
- jus’

---

Hi Laura, I just wanted to add to all the great links Jus' had found you. The DDA (disability discrimination act) has changed to the Equality act 2010 -
this is good as changed have been made to support people with long term depression.

http://www.person...y-act.html

From the link above: 'Similarly, employees who are dismissed for long-term absence arising from depression no longer need to compare themselves with non-disabled long-term absentees and are therefore likely to find it easier to prove that their dismissal was discrimination arising from disability if their absence was caused by their depression.'

further reading here: http://www.equali..._2010.aspx

Tr3s :)

---

Thanks guys will read them later

xx

---

1/18/11
Thanks for those great links, tr3s, and for pointing out the new 'Equality Act 2010' (changing the name from the previous DDA). And the inclusion of 'depression' in the new Act could certainly have a bearing on the outcome of Laura's case. I'm a little too far here, 'across the pond', to stay current on your laws. - jus'

---

No problem :)

---

Hey guys,

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. My CPN was great. He was soooo nice. I have to see him again next Friday. He has upped my med well Psych did that and he has said yes to this and also I am on a as required sleeping tablet. He says its time I took control of this as I have been dealing with this for so long I have to get my life back which I am soooo grateful for. He has said I need to get into a routine and I need to keep taking my med as I dont sometimes especially since I feel its not working.

I asked him why he has seen me 1 month early and he said my GP and Psych had contacted him and said they were concerned for my safety especially around my hypo manic times as I don't know when I am hypo manic and need his guidance and support.

Work have contacted me today and said I am off for a further 2 weeks. It gets better huh!!! Really frustrated with work.

I have an appointment with Citizens Advice on Wednesday so will see what they say. Seems everyone needs Citizens Advice the queues are sooo long.

Last night I got 9 and a half hours sleep WOOHOO!!! Was not anxious or anything today. I so impressed myself and my family and Ewan my CPN. Ewan said he was so proud of me for being so well today and for being able to answer his questions. He said I really did well today.

I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

---

1/21/11
Dear Laura,
I'm so glad that you finally got some sleep, and that you've got a nice CPN. So, a 'guy' nurse, right? I found that, once when I was hospitalized, the 'guy' nurses were the best ones. They were fellows who had gotten their nursing degrees so that they could support their families while continuing their studies to be a Medical Doctor. Have you been given a different 'kind' of med for sleep, or just 'more of' one that you'd already been prescribed? - jus'

---

Hey Just,

Ye a guy nurse lol I was shocked too but as my friend said I have to remember nurses are both male and female lol!!! Ye the sleeping tablet is a different one. I will prob get that and my upped dosage on Monday. Ironically today I got 2 hours sleep been WIDE AWAKE since 4am was in bed for 10pm. I slept again from 9-1pm I feel shattered. This is what I am up against the joys huh!!

---

1/22/11
Dear Laura,
I'm just glad that you got to 'really' sleep, even those 9 and a half hours. It's something for you to 'look back on', and hope to accomplish again. It had been so long since you'd had a good night's sleep, you were probably wondering if it would ever happen again. - jus'

---

Well take that back....

I was WIDE AWAKE until 5am. I am getting use to this but sick of this at the same time. I was manic yesterday possibly hypo manic??? I was going to meet yet again another guy.... GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! I can't control this. This time he was 55 years old. I feel out of control when I am like this. I am calm now but then I wasn't my computer crashed luckily for me as I couldn't talk to him again. I had a shower and went to bed... WIDE AWAKE as I was HYPER and BUZZING so I wrote thoughts down... I am so ashamed at what I am writing. I hurt myself too. Why do I do this to myself??? I played the wii and then watched catch up tv and then had food and then had a further 3 hours of watching tv. I was SPEEDED UP IN THOUGHT AND SPEECH AND IN WRITING.

What do I do?
What can I do?

---

1/23/11
Dear Laura,
Glad your computer crashed. ;) (Am I allowed to say that?) I'd hoped that the doctor had finally found just the 'right combination' on sleep meds for you. Sorry that wasn't the case. It makes me feel bad when I hear that really good people are not getting to sleep enough. Sleep is so necessary and so wonderful. You can't put in 'order' all of the things that you've thought of and learned during the day if you don't get to 'sleep'.

Have they opened that Herbal Store near your house yet? You've still got my messages to you, don't you? - jus'

---

Great news Laura!,
The best male nurse I ever had was the one who taught me to breast feed my son in Hospital - best midwife I have ever had, and a very nice person!! the really funny thing was there I was about to give birth and he popped his head around the corner and said "Hi I'm Steve, I went to school with your brother" - I just said "Well here's looking up old friends"LOL!!! - (true story!!):D
Cheers for now
Kathy

---

1/23/11
Hey, Kathy! Forgive my curiosity, but... your 'younger' brother or your 'older' brother? ;) - jus'

---

HEY GUYS.... I HAVE BEEN UP FOR 18 HOURS SOLID AND I AM WIDE AWAKE!!! I AM GETTING MY SLEEPING TABLET TODAY WHEN I PICK MY PRESCRIPTION UP FROM MY GP'S. I JUST HAVE NO NEED FOR SLEEP!!!

Hey Just,

Ye your allowed to say that as I was a complete idiot wasn't I!!! I really need a monitor put on my computer lol

They haven't opened the herbal shop yet no idea when it will be opened been delayed from what I can see. Yes still got your emails and have been searchhing every so often in our chemists for the ones you suggested but the chemist dont have them so will need to wait and see.

Hey Kathy,

I am seeing him again on Friday which is kinda good as I haven't been doing too good this week well since I saw him. Is it possible to be depressed that I saw him and that its all more real now? Anyways I was really depressed and down yesterday and I was a bit silly. But as you can tell by my 1st section to this post I am as high as a kite!!! I seem to be like this most evenings and mornings yipppeee!!!!

---

1/25/11
Dear Laura,
I suspect that telling you to purchase the seed (or seedlings) and grow your own herbs isn't going to elicit great cheers from you,... but I've done this before myself, and it's kinda fun. Since the herbal shop seems to be dragging its feet, this is what I suggest you do.

Maybe the makers of your pharmaceuticals should put on the label: "This will fix you right up,... ONCE!,... and only 'once'." That 'cure' was really short-lived for you. In fact, since it only worked 'once', you really don't know if the meds worked, or if you were just so exhausted that you finally 'crashed' and got that one good night's sleep. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

LOL not at all I am afraid sorry!!

I SLEPT 10 HOURS LAST NIGHT AFTER TAKING MY SLEEPING TABLET.... 10 HOURS SOLID!!! SO, SO, SO, SO HAPPY

However now I only have 6 tablets left so will not be taking another one for a few days if that need to not become addicted to them :S

I got another 4 hours this afternoon. I need to stop napping but I can't keep my head up or my eyes opened. Boooo!!!

Got my CPN on Friday unsure what to say to him. I have been manic and depressed and all that jazz this is in just 1 week.... 1 week how many emotions can i go through lol

---

Laura, I'm glad that you have already started creating a good rapport with your CPN. You can see him a lot more frequently than any of your other health care providers, and I think that constant care is something that will be really good for you for a little while. If your doctor says to take the sleeping pills every night, then take them every night. You may need to take them for a few days straight to get yourself into a normal sleeping cycle to sort of "regulate" your sleep system, if that makes sense. Also, try hard to avoid taking mid-afternoon naps if you can. Napping during the day makes it harder to fall asleep at night.

---

Hey Kat,

I am seeing him on Friday but a bit nervous as I have been manic and depressed both moderately. I am kinda not wanting to tell him what I have been up to as I am worried he will judge even though I know somewhere in my head he wont.

My sleeping tablets are as required so will prob take 1 in a few days time as I dont want to waste them by using them all now

I know gonna need to cut out afternoon naps but how do you stop it when your eyes and head are already there lol

---

Guys, I just dont know what to do anymore. Feel I am getting worse and worse and worse.

I am still off work..... work have not contacted me at all.... This is stressing me out.

My family are stressing me out

I was at Psych yesterday.... He has given me Sereqole(sp) for agitation and irratitability this is when I require it. I have to go back in under 3 weeks. He said if I am still manic/mixed he will up my meds again.

I have been hearing buzzing in my ears and I am worried incase I am Schiozophenic which might coincide with my bipolar. Psych said it could be apart of my meds or it could be my illness?????

All I wanna do is hide.... I wanna hide behind furniture again. I wore my hoodie yesterday to app as I wanted to hide from Psych didn't want to go to app and when I was there I was quiet. I only had less than 30 mins with him as he took me 30 mins late and had someone else after me.

I am seeing my CPN next Thursday. All I can do is worry at the moment and think about things. My family don't understand and don't see even getting up and going into town is MAJOR work for me and can't see why I am soooo tired. My bones are killing me. Mainly so my legs.

Looking forward to this afternoon as my Mum has bought my Sister and I tickets to see Spirit Of The Dance.... similar to Riverdance at our local Theatre its a Birthday present. Its in under 5 hours. I have been up since 6am.

I am feeling so lonely and I have isolated myself I know I have but I don't want people to see me like this at the moment. I am miserable or manic

---

Hey guys,

Sorry not been around much..... not been doing good.

Have kinda took a major blow due to not working and having no social life and having a really hard time getting to grips with being bipolar.

I have good news though I have a meeting with work on 2nd March so fingers crossed.

I am still seeing Psych and CPN and have been seeing GP recently.

They have upped my meds and given me sleeping meds.... 1 knocks me right out WHICH I AM LOVING!!! My CPN thinks my Psych won't up my meds again just yet.

I had to see a report today that is going to my work from my GP and in the report she has written I can do my job and she sees no way that suggests I can not keep doing my role as a Senior Support Worker which I am soooo happy about. But she feels I am not doing as well as I should be so I should be kept off work for a wee while still. This I am not happy with. I need my routine again as I have no motivation, no energy and constantly want to sleep. I lie in my bed most days sometimes its hard not to think of bad things.

I have made a big stinker out of one of my relationships with a close friend. She doesn't trust me. I have lied to her. I have said I am fine when I haven't been. I have been in dark times and have just said I have been fine as I don't want to bug or annoy or lean on anyone. I only told her as she had said I am too quiet these days and she was worried about me. This was a big wake up call for me. I have just tried to keep everyone thinking I am sane when in fact I am more insane now a days as I have no work, no routine, no friends (so I thought), major family issues etc etc etc!!!

Life is slow at the moment every day is the same and every day melts into the next. My days/dates are all jumbled.

Hope your all doing good

---

2/17/11
I'm glad to see you here today. I'd been thinking of you and wondering if I should write to you if you didn't post here soon.

Regarding telling your friend that you were 'fine',... I think that saying 'how you are' is sometimes a difficult question to answer, so I hope that you won't be too hard on yourself about it. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

Thank you... means a lot that I have people on here who I can talk to.

I was hard on myself and felt really isolated and stupid for not telling her. But I have realised I need to talk. I find it easier writing it through text or email than face to face. I am having trouble talking face to face. So I wrote her a big email. The next day she texted me saying she is still my friend and not to worry I haven't lost her... I thought I had.... she just needs time out which I totally understand.

I think I will be off work for another 4 weeks hoping not but I don't know what the outcome of the meeting on 2nd will be unfortunately

---

2/17/11
Dear Laura,
I'm glad that you still have your friend. And, yes, I can completely understand how she may just 'need some time'. Even with some of the people who I care about most deeply, we occassionally need to take a short 'break' from each other. Then, getting back together, you'll have lots more to talk about!

Laura, I don't want to say anything that might cause you anxiety or to feel that something is required of you that is just crushingly 'too much' for you to cope with,... but,... the idea of having 'no work' for 4 weeks sounds like a wonderful chance for you to learn something new that captures your imagination. It should be something that really engrosses you,... something that isn't too strenuous physically for you,... something that won't cost a lot of money,... I don't have anything specific in mind for you right now, since I know that you 'preferences' and mine could be miles apart. But, especially with the internet, the possibilities are endless. This is a time in history where access to information is mind-blowing. If you'd like to tell us a few of your interests, we would actually have to 'restrain ourselves' to keep from overwhelming you with suggestions and links.

I just hope that you can see this time without 'job pressure' as something to be taken advantage of, and something that you'll look back on with fondness. - jus'

---

2/17/11
I couldn't resist. "Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to visit one of these organic produce places near your home within the next four weeks. This message will never self-destruct (though I can't guarantee that Admin might not make it disappear)." ;) - jus'
http://www.blairg...hop.co.uk/

https://skeaorgan...k/home.asp

http://www.organi...undee.html

http://www.pickyo...nd_pyo.php

.

---

Hey Just,

I know my friend has texted me tonight and has said she is really worried about me and that all she wants is me to talk to her. I have promised her I will tell her good or bad.

I am hoping to go to a bipolar group that is in town.... they do day stuff and classes etc.... pretty anxious about that so my friend is coming with me well when 1 of them can get it off work.

Loved your last post Just lol!!!!

The link isn't working.... kept coming up page not displayed but I shall keep trying.

My interests.... erm unsure

I like Musicals
I like Ten Pin Bowling
I like Swimming (sometimes)
I like Massages
I like Sleeping (when I can lol)

Think that's it

---

2/18/11
Dear Laura,
I've re-done my post above with all new links. I hope that these will open for you. Thanks for that list of your 'likes'. Now we can all dive in and use our sleuth skills to research for you. Glad you enjoyed my little 'funny'. - jus'

---

Hi Laura,
I thought this looked interesting:
http://health.how...-feet5.htm

The Discovery Health Website has a lot more information about massages:
http://health.how...ms=massage

---

Thanks Nissa,

I go for massages at this great place in Dundee called The Secret Garden. Its expensive but I have been going there since I was 18 and I love it. Going there hopefully next week for a Hot Stone Massage as I got 2 vouchers for my Birthday and another voucher for The SunFlower Room a similar place to The Secret Garden.

Thanks Just,

One of the links has a place literally up my street and I have never heard of it so investigation shall be done lol

I will put my pay cheque to good use this month and buy some stuff from Holland and Barretts. I applied for a job there btw I was turned down :(

But hey ho!!! I have been turned down for a lot of jobs lol

I have been having mixed episodes- mania and depression rolled into one. They are fun not!!! Last night was up until 530-6am then was up at 10am. Today is my Dad's Birthday so family Dinner is in about 2 hours time.

I have been writing like mad in my journal and to my 2 friends and I feel better doing so. I did do stupid things last night during my mania phase so am a bit feeling guilty/sorry for myself :(

---

2/20/11
Nice to hear back from you, Laura. And, I'm hoping that the severity of the 'stupid things' is 'low', and, at least from the rest of your post you seem to still be enjoying a good portion of your life. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

hmmmm kinda low but I am kinda still there at the moment. When I am manic I am all over the place... I dont know what to write now Just!!!

I am making it through the day with no arguing with my famliy which is a change and no crying which is even better as that's all I have been doing

---

2/20/11
Dear Laura,
We are having some beautiful weather here this week, and it should be nice next week, too. So, everyone is very grateful for this change from the icy conditions a couple of weeks ago. What kind of weather are you having. I thought to ask you this, especially since it does no good to suggest activities for you if you are 'snowed in', etc. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

I bet you are all liking the better weather you guys had mad weather huh!!

We are ok for weather cold, rain but forecast was snow this weekend but nothing :D

I have been to the beach a few times recently and have walked along collecting shells with a friend... her idea lol

I am going to an organisations hopefully this week called Penumbra who deal with Mental Health hopefully this will help me. Got meeting at work in 9 days so who knows what's gonna happen there

---

2/22/11
I love collecting sea shells. You've brought back good memories to me. And I'm glad that you're friend had this idea for you. Will you be 'making anything' out of those sea shells? - jus'

---

Hey Just,

I use to collect shells and acorns as a kid lol

No I just picked my favourite shell and I have kept it. I was given when I was a kid from my best friend at school a "happy box" and its a tiny box that sits on my window sill with 3 happy faces tokens, 3 pebbles I love from the beach which were from years ago and now my shell lol.

I had an emergency app with my CPN yesterday as I am not doing good deep down... my GP asked I contact him. So I did. I had my app yesterday. I took an anxiety attack while sitting in waiting room, sitting talking to him in his room and on the bus coming home.... I hate anxiety attacks. He has upped my evening med and has insisted I have a bedtime routine. Also stated and requested I MUST not talk online anymore to men :( He has said I need to set myself boundaries for the internet especially when Manic as this is where I lead myself into trouble.... felt dumb that he had to get me into trouble!! I said to him... why is it that when you say one thing I want to do the oppposite lol... He says not to talk online to men so I do just the opposite I talk to men online.

I am seeing CPN on Monday too... this is my orginal appointmnet.

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2/24/11
Dear Laura,
I'm sorry that you are having panic attacks, and especially that you are having them so close together. Now that your CPN has told you not to talk online to men, do you think that you can 'follow through' on this advice? I hope so. It will have to be your own decision, of course, because you are an adult with your own free will,... and 24/7 access to a computer. Please take care of yourself and avoid putting yourself in danger. I hope that you'll get the help you need at your next appointment.. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

I would love to say I am man free but I wasn't that good. I added someone who added me but have now deleted and blocked him... I am such a failure when it comes to this. I just don't know what to do or think anymore. I feel I have totally let myself down now.... feel like a complete gimp. If anyone knows of answers why I do, do these things please let me know as I don't!!

I have managed a full 24 hours without being stupid and now I ruined it. Hopefully I can be ok now. I don't have the guy online... msn so that's fine!!

---

2/24/11
Dear Laura,
Knowing your kind heart and how hard-working you are, I think that you are simply missing the comfort of a kind person to share your day's events with. When you are feeling emotional pain, you instinctively know how much better you could feel with some words of reassurance. It's my belief that this is what you are seeking. The problem is that, in this world, people have huge differences in what they believe to be 'scrupleous' versus 'unscrupleous'. It's unlikely that you can just go online, put out a 'distress call', and reel in a new friend who will have the qualities you need to help you 'get better'..

Having said this, most women will agree that it is indeed a comfort to have a loving husband. I just want you to know that I support you in finding a loyal, loving, marriage mate. But, I don't want you to hurt yourself, talking to men who don't deserve, or truly appreciate, your company.

This is Ruth 1:8, 9. It's the conversation that occurred when Naomi was trying to send Ruth and her sister-in-law back to their home village, because their husbands (Naomi's sons) had both died The word YOU, in capital letters, doesn't mean 'shouting' here. It just means 'you plural' or 'both of you'. Please notice the words "find a resting-place". - jus'

" 8 Finally Na´o·mi said to both of her daughters-in-law: “Go, return, each one to the house of her mother. May Jehovah exercise loving-kindness toward YOU, just as YOU have exercised it toward the men now dead and toward me. 9 May Jehovah make a gift to YOU, and do YOU find a resting-place each one in the house of her husband.” Then she kissed them, and they began to raise their voices and weep."

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Hey Just,

I am just so disappointed in myself.... I can not seem to get it through my thick head not to do these things. I am really upset... I just feel a bit lost in a sense.

Feeling good today.... slept good. Just check Facebook and one of my close friends from school is pregnant.... As soon as I saw the picture my heart melted. She is 3 months gone. I am so happy for her. As soon as I saw the photo and the comments left by others I became so emotional and started crying.... This is not me... I do not cry at things like that. What is wrong with me. Feeling happy but emotional never a good mixture

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2/25/11
Dear Laura,
Sometimes I'll see a small news clip on TV,... maybe something about a helpful Pizza-delivery person saving the life of a person who always orders Pizza,... and I'll get tears in my eyes. And then, other times, I might have watched something just as 'moving' without 'tearing up' at all. I don't think that there's anything wrong with being either way. Do people have 'baby showers' in Scotland? [A 'baby shower' is a party for the mother-to-be where friends provide refreshments and all bring gifts for the unborn baby,... and a few for the new mother.] - jus'

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Hey Just,

Ye I think they do but it's not really a done thing, not like America.... you guys rock at it :D

I am just feeling up and down kinda hyper but kinda low. Kinda what is called a "mixed episode". Its mild and I am in control of it.

I think I am just really needing to cry... and I really can't naturally. I can feel it building up at the bridge of my nose I think I will probably cry later today.

Think I am being a drama queen!!

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2/25/11
Dear Laura,
No, you're not a drama queen. If you were feeling good, you'd be thinking about nothing but all the great things that you want to accomplish today. You aren't feeling well and that's the only reason that you are talking about it. - jus'

---

Hey Just,

Sorry for being a complete moan on here!!

I have nearly accomplished cleaning my room out and I have watched the 2nd Star Wars film.... have a fascination with seeing Star Wars at the moment.... I last saw them when I was like 5 lol.

Feeling ok now, still want to cry though but that's ok hopefully I can cry tonight :D

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2/27/11
Dear Laura,
Cleaning your room and watching Star Wars... it sounds good to me! I've been ill for the past few days, so I haven't been around on the forum. Now I've got many things to catch up on. I wasn't even able to finish an art homework assignment in time for the critique. The good news is that the teacher told us that if we aren't happy with the grade she gives us, we can improve our 'work' and she will raise our grade. I love it when teachers grade this way. And since my project was 'half quality artwork' and 'half duct tape' holding it together, I'm sure that I'll be taking her up on that offer to 'raise the grade'.

Until today, I wasn't even able to sit up and work on the art project. I'm better now, and hope that I can keep my zeal alive long enough to keep up with my school work.

Please don't forget the organic place that I want you to visit? - jus'

---

Hey Laura, sorry it's been so long since I stopped by to say anything to you re: your mental health. I've just been really busy lately and haven't had any time to get on the forum and write. I have checked in every week or so and read up on here just to see what was going on though, to make sure it was nothing too emergent. You are on my mind frequently and I often wonder how you're doing with your health, job, etc.

I really do know what you mean when you say you don't understand WHY you feel compelled to do stupid things when you're manic. There's no logic behind it, your brain seems almost like it's bent on self-destruction. I am very fortunate in that most of the time my manic episodes do not lead me to do anything with serious long-lasting effects, mostly just some bumps and bruises.

I don't feel pain when I'm manic - I don't feel hungry, thirsty, tired, I don't feel it when I run into things, I just feel breathlessly energized and overflowing with this energy like I am untouchable. I really genuinely feel untouchable when I'm manic, like nothing that could hurt me before can hurt me now. I undertake a lot of physically demanding projects when I have a manic episode, like redecorating the house. I will end up waking up the next morning covered in large, dark purple bruises and not know how any of them got there. I will be so riddled with energy and mentally unfocused that I will run into walls and doorframes while I'm walking around, literally "bouncing off the walls" so to speak, and it doesn't hurt. I laugh. Later, when the mania fades, I feel the remaining ache from all the bruises, but at the time it truly does feel as if you can't be hurt.

But you CAN be hurt. You can be hurt very badly, just as much as when you are euthymic (normal mood) or depressed. Feeling like you're invincible doesn't make it so, and you have got to remember that. If you have to write it on your walls to remind you on a daily basis, then so be it. If you have to throw your computer out the window or have your parents block the sites you go on to talk to these men so that you won't put yourself in a compromising position, then do it. You have to be proactive about keeping yourself safe when your brain is giving you bad signals.

You know what this disease does to you, you know how it makes you feel, so take responsibility for that and build in those necessary safe-guards to keep yourself from being hurt by your own actions. It sucks but that's part of living with bipolar disorder, is protecting ourselves FROM ourselves when we're in a bad place mentally. How is the medication search going? Has your mental health care provider tried a different kind of mood stabilizer yet, one that might work better in controlling the mania?

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hey Laura, 'kat and 'jus!
Am thinking about you, Laura though I haven't been as active on this thread or on the forum as I sometimes am.

HUGS!

---

Hey guys,

sorry not been on here much... not been too good!!

Hey Kat,

I got new med for agitation and anxiety Seroquel which has just been upped and still on Depakote. Psych who I am seeing in 9 days might add an Anti-depressant which GP and CPN are saying yes too. Been feeling really low. Been off work since 13th January as work wanted the reports from Psych and GP. They got the reports and I had a meeting with work on 2nd March. They have stated that there isn't enough info in the reports.... which is bull as all my managers are wanting is for my GP and Psych to tell them how to "support" me in my work. They don't want the hassel to do it themselves.

They have given me till Monday to tell them what I am doing.... Am I fit to work or am I not fit to work. If I am not fit to work I have to have a GP line saying so. This will lead me in more trouble as I will be on the next step of my Target Action Plan which is for abscenses and this could lead me to be dismissed by my work for being off work too much. However if I go back to work I will prob be back off sick soon as I am not well enough. So what do I do???? I have went to my GP's and she has signed me off sick for a month. She said I am not ready to go back yet.

Since becoming depressed I haven't had any mania which sucks as I really could do with some "TIGGER" time. Guess it will be back soon enough. I deleted the guys from MSN and also FB. I haven't visited any dating sites again either. The 1 I am still on... I only visit now and again and that's it. I am more angry, irritated, upset, teary, bored, un-interested, un-motivated etc etc!!!

My Mum keeps moaning at me to get up and out of my bed, but all I want to do is lie there. I have nothing to get up for do I? I have no job, no social life. Nothing. Been having a bad time with suicidal thinking and hurting myself and had to make an emergency app with my CPN. He is concerned and I just don't know what to do. I didn't tell GP anything when I saw her yesterday I just said I have been depressed. All I do is fight with my family. They just don't get it. They want me to be this perfect Daughter and I can't be and have never been. All I want to do is work... but I can't.

I don't think my meds are working. I am refusing sleep and not taking my evening meds as what's the point. My evening dosages are Depakote and Seroquel and thats it. The Seroquel relaxes my muscles and me and makes me fall asleep cause I am so relaxed.

I hate having this illness, it makes me just wanna go somewehere and never return. No one here with me understands what I am going through. I dont know anyone in RL who has BP and that's even worse.

I have an app on Thursday with a guy from my union regarding work as they are being unfair. I also have an app on Thursday with a woman from Penumbra which is a Mental Health Organisation. I am petrified and my 2 friends that were meant to be coming haven't gotten back to me about coming.

I am having more anxiety attacks worse one was last Thursday night waiting for a bus in town which was due in 30 mins.... I took a sever anxiety attack while sitting in the bus shelter on my own. So scary.

Sorry guys, not any good news at all sorry!!

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Hey Rottie,

Hope your well... sorry about your Mum!!

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3/9/11
Dear Laura,
I see that you took Kat's advice about removing from your computer the danger of contacting men when your inhibitions aren't functioning normally. So that's "good news"! That was one of the worst things that I was concerned for you about, and now you've taken that positive step. A 'dangerous social life' is worse than 'no social life'. So, good for you on loving yourself enough to take care of yourself. You'll be glad to have yourself all in one piece, especially once you get your work and your health to a better place.

I once had a work situation where a boss, unbeknownst to me, manuevered to 'get rid of me',... without 'cause', and at the same time, without having to pay the 'Unemployment' money that should be paid when a firing is done without 'cause'. People who deal with employees over a long period of time can become very adept at this, while 'we' are just newbies to the situation, and we don't even realize what they are doing until it is too late. In my case, first, my part-time hours were cut by less than half. This happened, I thought, because the store's deli refrigeration was waiting for a repairman. Next, I was shipped to a store at a different location, with those same 'low hours'. By then, they were able to fire me and not pay Unemployment. Guess why? There is (or was) a law that says that if the hours drop below half of what they originally were, and then the employer fires you, the employer doesn't have to pay Unemployment. Now who could possibly have known this other than the employer? (This was in pre-internet days.) Only the employer could have known about such a loop-hole. When would an employee have known where to look up this sort of information? I found out when I went to the government office to apply for Unemployment. A lady there explained it to me.

So, Laura, when I read what you are going through, I certainly emphathize. I think that you are 'sensing' that something sinester is behind their moves, and yet, you are fighting an invisible enemy because you aren't a corporate lawyer (or whatever they would be called in the UK). This isn't your fault, and sadly, like in my case, you'll probably only find out what they have been 'up to' all this time, when they do finally get rid of you at your job. I can only hope that something wonderful will open up to you at that time.

Please remember, too, that even if your only problem were dyscalculia, we all are having an uphill battle in the employment arena. Right now, only the 'best' and the 'fittest' are finding and keeping jobs. I do wish that you could go to school and get some sort of certificate that would allow you to apply for other jobs. - jus'

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Laura, I'm really glad to hear that you removed those people from your social network so that you won't be tempted to contact them in the future if/when you become manic. What Jus said is right on the money - having no social life is better than having a dangerous one.

I'm sorry to hear about everything going on at work. I thought that in light of Jus's story, I would share something that happened to me recently at work. At my job you go through a 2 month probationary period where they evaluate your performance and decide whether or not to keep you. During this time you work with trainers who write training reviews on your performance. To make a long story short, I kept feeling like I was put under the microscope a lot more than my other coworkers in training, and I didn't know why. I couldn't prove it or say exactly WHAT made me feel that way, it was just a feeling I had, that I was being scrutinized and observed more keenly than the others.

I ended up finding out at the very end of training that I actually was being watched more than my other coworkers. The reason? One of my trainers had been writing really poor performance reviews about me, while my other trainers were all writing really positive ones. The managers were confused because they couldn't figure out how one person (me) could have such drastically different reports written about them. So they were watching me extra closely over the last few weeks to see for themselves what my performance was like, since they couldn't trust just the training reviews. Sometimes you have to believe those gut instincts that are telling you when something is up... they are very often correct.

Fortunately everything ended up working out fine for me at work because I am actually pretty good at my job, not terrible like that one person said I was. Why did that one person say I was so bad? I really don't know. I have had some people tell me that this person was probably intimidated by my personality, because I do come off pretty strong and that does sometimes intimidate people. Other people said that this person generally has a bad attitude anyway so they weren't surprised that the person wrote such negative reviews about me. Either way, it was totally unfair to me, but it doesn't matter now because the bosses saw for themselves what the truth of the matter was.

As far as your meds go... keep taking them. Take them every time you are supposed to, don't skip doses. You said something about not even bothering to take your nighttime meds anymore? Take them. If the doctor says to take something 2x a day, take it both times, not just once. If you skip doses then you're cutting your amount of medication in half and it's not going to help you if you aren't taking the proper dose. Even if you feel like it's not helping, keep taking it and wait it out. Some of these medications take a while to get into your system at a consistent level that you can FEEL - they may seem like they aren't working at all for a while, but then over a period of weeks you gradually start to see improvements in your mood.

In regards to you being bored and feeling like you don't have a social life because you aren't in work, have you thought about volunteering? I think volunteering would be great for you because it's not a paid commitment like working a job is, but it's still something you can commit to doing a certain number of days a week to give yourself a routine. It also lets you meet up with other volunteers, and to help other people (or animals) in need. It would give you a purpose, more consistency in your schedule, and new people to meet and hang out with. Look into it.

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Oh Laura, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well.

Kat is right about the medication, sometimes it takes a few weeks before they start helping you feel better.

Get better soon!

---

I would like to see popularized the notion that having "no social life" is perfectly okay. People look askance when one eschews gatherings, functions or events, but it's also perfectly normal to sit at home with a book and a cat (or whatever equivalent) and listen to the quiet.

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Kestrel, I don't think there is anything wrong with someone being naturally low in extroversion and preferring to spend time alone with themselves. The only potential problem I see from a mental health perspective is that when people have few social ties, they put themselves at higher risk for isolation. Isolation can contribute to a person developing depression, and when a person becomes depressed, isolation can perpetuate the cycle of depressive thoughts.

Example: "I'm depressed, and I'm alone. I'm alone because I'm depressed, and I'm continuing to feel depressed because I am alone and have nobody to help me through this. There must be something wrong with me because I am socially isolated and have nobody to lean on, which makes me more depressed, which makes me more upset about being alone." You can see how they feed off of each other, being isolated and feeling depressed.

Of course, not everyone who is high on introversion and prefers to spend time alone is socially isolated, but many of those people are. As a result, they lack social ties with others who can help them when they are in need of emotional support. That is, to me, the only real potential downfall of spending too much time alone with yourself. But you're right, we do live in a society that puts a huge premium on extroversion, so when a person is naturally inclined towards introversion they are viewed almost as if there is something "wrong" with them.

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Hey Just,

Ye I removed them all and my life is now rather dull... no fun as they made me feel good in a sense. I haven't resorted back to my old ways so that's something I guess.

I am just really upset that my employer is being so bloody hard. They just don't care. They don't know it but I have now got my union in as they are playing hard ball. So gonna let the union fight it.... everyone says it's better for me this way and lessens the stress on me. BTW Just, I can't believe your ex employer treated you like that. Thar is ridiculous.

Just, I would go to college but I don't know what I want to do, I might not be ok there too. So I don't know

Hope your well!!

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Hey Kat,

Thanks, I just feel like my life is so dull and boring now not good.

It seems like we have all faced discrimination in our work force huh!! Why are people who are in superior/higher roles so mean sometimes. You were pretty much victimised I think that's what's happened to me in the past but I haven't known it. It's so wrong and it really shouldn't happened.

My Psych and CPN upped my Seroquel to 75mg a day 1x lunch-time and 2x night-time, this has been since last week. I went really down hill Tuesday and Wednesday I was suicidal and was close to well you know. My family hate me. I have nothing to live for. My Mum called me "mental" and she wishes I had "ran away" and my Sister has called me "a fat psychotic cow" gee thanks love you guys too. I feel no-one cares about me no matter how hard I try I can do no right. I have a CPN app tomorrow and a Psych app on Fri not really looking forward to either as I will need to talk about what happened last week. I called my CPN when I felt wayyyy low and we talked and he told me about if I od'ed what would happened. I was rather scared.

I think I need to do something as I have gained a lot of weight I know the meds don't help there as they make me want to eat junk all the time. But even just getting up is a chore. I am about 13-14 stone so I am obese... damn it!! I use to be 11 and I was happy with that. Now I have no clothes that fit me and that depresses me even more as I need to wear the same old boring daggy clothes all the time.

Hope you are well Kat and doing good!!

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Hey Nissa,

Thanks!! I just feel it's been 6 months since I started my main med and I don't think it is working. It could be cause I am depressed now? Could be a multitude of factors I guess

Hope your well!!

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3/15/11
Dear Laura,
I hope that you'll decide to quit jobs and take jobs according to what is best for 'you'. I'm glad that you have a place to live, but I also see that all your concern for the welfare of your family members (especially when you were the only one working full time) doesn't seem to be reciprocated by them to you now that you are ill. What a shame.

What about online courses? Might you be able to handle even 'one' class? Is there government funding for just 'one' class? Or, would you have to enroll in more classes to get funding? - jus'

---

Laura, I agree that having a dull and boring life is no good either, but I think there is a happy medium between dull and boring vs. dangerous and exhilarating. You need to find that in-between place, where you can do things that are fun and enjoyable without putting yourself in harm's way. Have you given any thought to volunteering, like I suggested? I really do think it would be good for you on so many levels.

It really hurts when our families don't understand that we are mentally ill and are suffering something very serious and crippling. It hurts even more when they lash out at us in frustration and fear. I really do believe that is what's going on with your family - it's not because they don't love you, it's not because they don't care for you or don't believe you're really ill. I think they see just how ill you are, and they are afraid, worried for you, sad because you are suffering, and really want very badly for you to just be okay again.

It is really common for families of individuals with mental illness to act negatively towards that person sometimes, and it's not because they don't love the person, it's because they don't know how to express their feelings about the disease. It's not something they can see, it's not something that can just be cured with a pill or a surgery, it's a very enduring, difficult thing to manage.

The sad truth is that your family would probably be more supportive if you had diabetes, or a heart condition, or a missing leg, or something else that they could visually see and understand. They cannot understand mental illness if they have not been affected by it themselves, it's just outside of their scope. Without any way to understand what you're experiencing, they are not only afraid for you but really confused and frustrated because they don't even understand what's going on.

I'm NOT taking your family's side and saying that it's okay for them to treat you like that, because it's not. They need to learn how to deal with their own feelings about your illness without targeting you as a person. But I'm just trying to show you why they might be acting that way, and that it isn't because they don't love you or want you around. I think they do love you, more than words can say.

As far as the weight gain with the meds, yes, that is unfortunately a really common side effect of those medications. The average person might gain upwards of 20-30 pounds, some people gain even more. In stone I think that is roughly 1.5 to 2 stone in weight gain, on average, and some people gain even more than that.

There are things you can do to help limit your weight gain and lose some of the extra weight you've gained from the medication, though. Weight gain and weight loss is really simple math (I know, laughable considering we're on a dyscalculia forum). One pound of fat is equal to 3,500 calories (kcals). If you burn 3,500 calories, you burn a pound. If you ingest 3,500 calories more than what your body burns in a day, you gain a pound. It's that simple. The average woman burns about 1,800 calories per day just doing basic things - breathing, walking around, sitting at a desk at work, etc. This is called your basal metabolic rate (BMR). Here is a website where you can roughly calculate your BMR, because your BMR depends on your height and weight:

http://www.bmi-ca...alculator/

For example, I am a tall, slender person, so my BMR is about 1,350. Then you would multiply that by a factor called the Harris-Benedict Equation, which is a scale based on your level of activity. I would qualify as "light activity", so the Harris-Benedict Equation for lightly active people is BMR times 1.375. For me, that looks like this:

1,350 (BMR) x 1.375 (Harris-Benedict Equation) = 1,856.25

That means I need to ingest about 1,856 calories on a daily basis to MAINTAIN my weight. That means break even, not gain weight, not lose weight.

Now remember how I told you that one pound is equal to 3,500 calories? If you divide 3,500 by 7 (the number of days in a week) it comes out to 500. If you burn 500 calories a day, every day, you end up losing 1 lb per week.

You can "burn" calories in one of two ways. You can either A) eat fewer calories, B) exercise to burn the calories you eat, or C) a combination of the above. Combining the two seems to be the best way to lose weight.

So let's make the math as easy as possible and just pretend that you need 2,000 calories per day to break even, based on the Harris-Benedict Equation. If you want to lose 1 lb per week, that means you have to remove 500 calories per day from your intake. You could reduce your food intake by 500 calories, or burn 500 calories in exercise, or do a combination of both (for example, reduce your caloric intake by 300 calories and burn 200 calories in exercise).

I know the medication you're on makes you crave junk food, but you have to exert some will-power and make yourself make healthier food choices. Replace crackers with fruits and vegetables when you want to snack. Eat only whole grains, no white grains or sugary cereals. Eat good fats like nuts, avocados, etc. and avoid foods high in saturated fat like red meat, whole milk, and butter.

Some easy food substitutions:

Bowl of sugary cereal = bowl of Total or Special K complete cereal
Potato chips = vegetable chips
Ice cream = fruit sorbet or small serving of frozen yogurt
Candy/chocolate = sliced up fruit with a hint of sugar (or Stevia, a natural calorie-free sweetener) sprinkled on top
Mac and cheese = whole grain pasta with tomato sauce and grated cheese sprinkled on top

These are just some ideas. You should, of course, always consult with your doctor first before you start any diet or exercise plan to lose weight. They will have to make sure you are healthy enough for vigorous exercise and to follow your diet to make sure you're losing weight in a healthy way.

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Hey Just,

My family are under a lot of stress and I see and understand that now. They are struggling to understand me... who I am, what I am, how BP affects me but also affects them.

I was thinking of doing an online college course..... but I have 2 problems... 1 what to do and 2 I don't think I would have the motivation as it would be in the house and I think I need to actually go to college or I won't do it. If I go to college I think I need to do more than 1 subject at college unless I do night classes or part-time I think. But unsure

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Hey Kat,

I have been for a meeting with an organisation which deals with Mental Health. I have another meeting next Wed with the Manager. I am hoping to get on their waiting list. They help people like me go back to employment, volunteer, self-esteem, confidence, pretty much all the things I lack and need.

My folks are really struggling with me. I feel I am the cause of the all their rows.... I know I am not, I know there are a lot of things that have contributed to their arguments. I'm one of their pains lol. I think I am more upset about my Twin being so nasty towards me. She really has hurt me and I am trying so hard to forget what she has said. It's maybe gonna take a wee while though. My Twin called me a Psycho.... that REALLY hurt.

I am hoping this will help my Mum in particular..... my CPN is coming for a home visit on Tuesday.... Which I am dreading btw!! Usually I go to the clinic to see him. But this time he is coming to my house. I don't think I can be me infront of my Mum. I mean all eyes will be on me. I am hoping my Mum will go out so CPN and I can have a quick session. As it is actually my session that my home visit is running on. Which I am not happy about.

I have an app next Wed with a Personal Trainer at the local gym. My GP, Psych and CPN all think this will help me get back to being me again. Kinda dreading the "hard work" which will have to be put in as I am overweight. GP took my height, weight and blood pressure today. Blood Pressure was normal but weight- yikes!!! I defo gained 2 stone due to meds, lack of energy and binging on junk food. I do likee my brown rice etc but you know when you just crave junk.... thats me ALL the time. So from now on I will be healthy, healthy, healthy.

I do apologise for the randomer who has spammed my thread GRRR!!!

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Laura, I think we all take it personally when "our" threads get spamed. I'm just as guilty when I saw mine spamed. At least it's gone now.

I like rice too. I think I'm a Caucasian Chinese person. I'm German/English/splash-of-Irish, Native American, but I LOVE Chinese food! :P Though, get in the way of me on my way to a chocolate bar and well.... I cannot be held accountable for my behavior.

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Hey guys, I am doing so much better..... Day 11 of feeling good/great!!! I am however suffering sleep wise... I am actually shattered but wide awake how that works I do not know.

I have started at the gym this week.... I have been going every 2nd day and spending an hour if not more at the gym. Hopefully things will settle for me soon. I have a personal trainer I see at the end of the month I have him for 3 months :)

I have not heard anything from work since the letter saying I have to have a final meeting with them.... that wasd nearly 3 weeks ago. I am still waiting on the minutes from my meeting on the 2nd March to come through the post so who knows what's happening there. I am unsure if I should be concerned or not. Either way I will be sacked that's obvious but my CPN said I should get compensation so lets hope.... I know that sounds terrible but they have caused me sooo much grief.

Been doing loads more journalling, which I think is a good thing???? I am not seeing my CPN for 3 weeks and it's killing me... I have things to talk about and no one to tell. Oh well!!!

Hope everyone is well :D

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Hi Laura,

Yes, I think that keeping a journal is a good thing. I had a poetry professor once who said that writing is the best kind of therapy. I think that's true- it can really help to get thoughts down on paper, so they aren't just in your head.

I'm glad you are going to the gym too. Just knowing that you are doing something good for yourself can help you feel better.

I hope you keep feeling good. :)

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4/8/11
I'm so glad that your meds are helping, though, if you are still sleep-deprived, they must not be exactly 'right' yet. So, does it seem that no matter what 'cause' they give for their actions at your upcoming meeting at work, the result will still be that they will end your job? But, perhaps what they conclude to be the situation will have an effect on how much compensation you'll get? I hope that it results in your favor, Laura, and that the time that it buys you will help you get to feeling better. Will you get to keep your same doctors if you loose your job? - jus'

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Hey Nissa,

Ye, I am able to write a lot sometimes when I journal and when my mood is on a high I will write forever. When I am down though sometimes I won't be able to write.... other times I will write but the writing will be nasty towards myself. I have lots of self-hatred against myself unfortunately.

Hey Just,

I am on a high so tend to not get sleep as I kinda fight it ironically. I fight against the sleeping tablets and I win all the time until I crash at 6am lol... I really don't know why I do it. I just seem to want to fight all the time. It's actually exhausting.

Ye we(my family/doctors and I) all think work are gonna say I am a liability and can not handle my job as it is far too unpredictable and mentally draining. I think I have realised I can't do my job. I think I am ok with this!!!

My doctors are all mine heehee!!! They have nothing to do with work :) I think you guys in the U.S have a harsher Health System than us Brits. We register with a Health Centre and that's it. We get to see a GP. We all have a "family" GP ie my Mum and I share the same GP but my Dad goes to another Health Centre as this is where his family went. My GP's surgery is where my Mum's family all go. Its the same with the Dentist too. Hope that makes sense. If not tell me and I will try my best to translate what my brain and hand are wanting to type lol

Hope you guys are all well!!!! I am having another GREAT day happy days :D :D

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4/9/11
Dear Laura,
So, you can 'win' against going to sleep, even against the sleeping meds? And then about 6 am, right when you'd like to 'rise and shine', that's when you go to sleep? Do you only sleep about 4 hours on those mornings, or do you ever sleep a full eight hours?

Yes, here in the US, most people who work get their medical insurance through the company they work for. Loose your job = Loose your insurance. Sure, rich people can do whatever they want. But there are many people who keep working under very bad conditions simply because they 'must keep' their insurance coverage,... or, their job may be the only insurance that covers their family members and those family members would be left without insurance if that job is lost.

I'm glad that you've been able to accept the lose of your job without too much pain or regret. It will quickly become a distant memory. You'll retain all that experience that you gained, but the unpleasantness you lived through will be remembered less and less vividly with time. In just a few weeks, the job market can change for the better, and you can be a front runner for some job that you'll like much better than the previous one. I hope that you are still enjoying going to the gym? - jus'

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Laura, I am glad to hear that you're going to the gym regularly and writing in a journal. Those are both great things to do to help you health-wise. I am concerned about your lack of sleep, though. You sound very manic to me, just the way you type is different when you're manic versus depressed.

I don't want to sound like your mother, but make sure that you are making good choices while you are in this "up" mood state. You're still avoiding talking to those men online, right? Whenever you want to make plans with some stranger online, make plans with a "real life" friend instead. That is one way you can keep yourself safe and out of harm's way while you're feeling high.

What is ironic is that one of the #1 ways to normalize your mood and prevent having both depressive and manic episodes is... sleeping. Some people who study bipolar disorder actually believe it might be a SLEEP disorder, even more so than a mood disorder, because the mood episodes are so often heavily triggered by sleep deprivation. Many, many people who have manic episodes have their manias triggered or worsened by a lack of sleep. I know that if I miss a few days' worth of sleep, my mood goes all over the place. I think you will feel better overall when you are sleeping right.

Keep pushing your doctors to find a way to help you sleep. Change your meds, or add something else, like a sleeping aid. Be more strict about your schedule - you said that you're "fighting" sleep, you need to stop doing that. Even if you want to stay awake, you need to find it within yourself to acknowledge that you need to sleep and to lay down and close your eyes in a dark, quiet place and at least try. You have to be strict with yourself, that is the only way to take full control of bipolar disorder. There is no being lazy or lax about the rules you make for yourself, you have to keep them otherwise you are the one who suffers.

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Hey Just,

Ye I can fight against sleep think I must be use to it all..... I will go between sleeping onlu a few hours to sleeping the entire day when I am like this. Doesn't bode well with my Mum who moans at me about this. But now that Summer is finally here I think I will be more in-tuned to get up and about and go to bed at a decent hour.

I do feel sorry for you guys..... that must be the worst thing if you can't work. Do you think our Health System would be good for the US? We have now as of 1st April go a new law here in Scotland.... free prescriptions.... but they problem is where is the government gonna get the money to keep this law. I don't think this is gonna work.

I am back at the gym tomorrow, I went Friday and then took the weekend off. I am a bit blah as I have put on loads of weight and cant get into my Summer clothes from last year.... a wee bit of crying today about that. But I am more determined now. I need to lose 2-3 stones. I am 13 stone and I was 11 stone last Summer. So 2-3 stone and I will be happy.

Bah!!! Work.... Who care's anymore, I know what they are gonna say and I guess it's my own fault so I can just take it on the chin. I can't see any jobs here but I am still looking and applying so there will be hope soon

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Hey Kat,

Ye the journalling has helped me majorly as I am kinda struggling with keeping my thoughts together in a realistic way.

I am sleeping between 6-10 hours a night now and feeling more tired at night. I can't sleep at night though, it's always I'm up till after 1-2am and then I am falling asleep and then sometimes I am waking up as I am having weird/random dreams/nightmares. I thought I was doing good though Kat. I have had 3 months of depression.... I thought this was me now having a great time.

Ye I am still avoiding the guys. I did have an urge earlier this week but fought it and won :D I like your idea of making plans with someone in RL if I feel the urge to make plans with "stangers" lol I feel like a 5 year old there btw!!!

Seriously??? People think it should/might be a sleep disorder.... that's mad. I don't know about my sleep vs my moods. I really don't know how to look at them both and decide when I have crossed the line with my sleep. I know I can spend days in my bed I love it so much lol.

My CPN now has his new job so I am not gonna see him as much as I normally would I have 2 more weeks till I see him I last saw him mid March. It's killing me as I have soooo much to say and ask and talk about but then when the time comes I won't talk I know I won't. I am seeing my GP also in 2 weeks. I have 2 more As Required Lorazepam tablets left do you think I might need to take them???

I admit I am not the greatest with my schedule.... I have had days where I have refused to take my meds. But I have took them eventually. How can I stop fighting sleep..... I just have too many thoughts whizzing around my head at night and I can only write so much. Then when I do try to sleep I am WIDE AWAKE. Even though I am sleepy. My relaxation techniques and CD is not helping. I know I am not helping myself and maybe I am making myself more ill than I am but I don't know how to stop fighting sleep. Do you fight sleep at times too?

I have had a wee set back in the thoughts of hurting myself but it was a fleeting thought

I do feel good though and have been having good times when socialising. I am doing more socialising then I would normally be doing. Anxiety is still there especially when I am going to the gym as I don't know how many people will be there etc but I soon get over it.

How you doing?

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4/10/11
Dear Laura,
I've found a forum that has a board of Complemetary and Alternative Therapy. http://millermom....lternative Some of the people there have depression, and sometimes it's the parents of the depressed person who post there. I think that, even if you don't find a remedy that works for you, it might be some good reading for you. - jus'

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Hey Just!!,

I gave the forum a wee read, and it was interesting I also read the sleep ones too.

I was manic Kat, I was WIDE AWAKE until 4am today :( paying for it today as I wasted my day sleeping :(

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4/11/11
Dear Laura,
I've been reading on yet another forum for LD's, and one of the people there was asking for help for her fiance. I thought that I might ask you for some information. First, there in Scotland, are you under the British NHS? Okay, if so, then maybe you can tell me some more, so that I can make suggestions to this young woman I've written online. If a person gets only 6 sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy under the British NHS, and that's 'all they get', are there ways to get 'more sessions'?

It seems to me that you kept getting exentions of more sets of treatments. You'd run out, and then you'd re-apply somehow, and then you'd get more,... though in your case, it probably wasn't cognitive behavioral therapy, was it? Just checking, hoping you'll give me some ideas for her. Thanks. - jus'

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Hey Just,

Ye The NHS covers everything from GP-Psych as it's all funded through the NHS. However The NHS has is different in Scotland to England. Scotland has Democracy outwith England.... We have our own Parliament.

My sessions were through my work and also through a charity organisation. Also I didn't receive CBT Therapy.

You can suggest she contact her GP and that will get the ball rolling. She can also check out charity based organisations who can offer counselling and or support for a small fee. If she googles places in her area she will get the info there. There is also websites she can go on ie Samaritians/Breathing Space- if in Scotland/Chose Life.... there are more again she can google.

I'm unsure what the rule is about CBT under The NHS. I don't know anyone who has had CBT either sorry. I got more sessions cause my work were paying for them and that my Counsellor said I needed them. Other wise I would of only got 4 from them and would of had to pay for them and they were expensive.

Think that's all.... if you need any more info give me a buzz and I will see what I can do.

Hope your well

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4/12/11
Thanks, Laura. I don't think he has a job, so nothing 'through his job' as you've had. I'm guessing that 'everyone has a GP' on the British NHS? She said that those sessions helped him, but now they've run out, and that she thinks he needs more. I don't think that she said 'where' in England they live. Thanks, though, for what you gave me. I didn't offer to bring her more ideas, and the others on that forum are in the UK,... so I hope that they will volunteer more information. It's a nice forum, but I think that for jumping in and really searching to 'help someone', our dyscalculiaforum should win some sort of a prize. ;) - jus'

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Hey Just,

Ye everyone should be registered with their local GP.... some people aren't they chose not to. In my local area we have an out of hours surgery that runs from 6pm-8am this is to cover when our normal GP surgeries are shut.

He can look into more sessions with the counsellor he had, however he would probably have to pay for them etc.

We seem to be full of knowledge us Dyscalculic's :D

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Hey guys,

Update:

I have a meeting Monday 9th May at 9am to discuss if I have a job or not. I am at this present time "nervous as hell". I was meant to have a meeting with my Union guy today but he had to cancel it as today is our Election day UK and local elections and is in London. Hopefully I will see him tomorrow.

What if I do not have a job after Monday???????????????????

I have been off work nearly 4 months. I am panicking I know..... but come on its my life at the moment that is on the line.

I am seeing Psych tomorrow and I am gonna ask him for anti-anxiety meds as I can't cope with the anxieties anymore. I am not sleeping at all and I am not attending the gym anymore well not this week at least.

On a positive.... Penumbra has accepted me and I had my 1st group there on moods/emotions and we spoke about each of these. It was really good. The workers were really nice and helped ease my nerves.

Bought myself an Ipod Shuffle..... OMG its soooooo tiny!!! LOVE IT though!!!!

Any wise words of wisdom for me would be muchly appreciated as I am really needing someone to tell me it's all gonna be ok!!!

Mood has been a mixture of mania and depression but mainly mania. I am gonna have to go on Lithium my CPN thinks as I am getting side effects of taking Depakote for 6 months.... not ncie ones either :(

Hope everyone is doing well

xx

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Hi Laura,
Good luck with the meeting on Monday! But if things don't work out, maybe it means that this job isn't right for you. Is there a employment center near you that could help you find something better?

I hope you will consider going back to the gym, even if it's just a couple of times a week. Or, if you don't like the gym is there someplace where you could go for a walk? Studies have shown that exercise helps ease depression.

Is Penumbra a counseling service? I'm glad that they are helping you.

Let us know how things work out. :)

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5/5/11
Hi Laura,
Yes, the exercise gives you good endorphines. So, will that meeting be about your same job that you've had for several years? I thought that you were pretty much resigned to the idea that that job was ending, one way or another. Is there still hope that you'll keep it? - jus'

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Hey Nissa and Just,

Thanks for your replies!!

I am gonna need to wait and see what Monday holds. I was gonna go to The Citizen's Advice Bureau but everytime I went to go there my anxieties went into over drive. I will have to go there after meeting on Monday. I had a meeting with my Union guy today and he has said I have a good case so I am pinning my hopes on his words. Ye Just, this is still my job I have been fighting through for a few years now. I think my job is over.... but I am still upset about it. It's more real now!!

I will be back at the gym next week I am just really needinga week off. Plus I have nex exercises to do when at gym as my Fitness Trainer has changed my workout a wee bit. I also do Cardio on the wii so I am doing some things.... I am a dab hand at boxing now lol

Penumbra are kinda like counselling.... they do 1:1 support and group sessions too. Pretty much "talk therapy" Helping you out in the community and they do loads of other things. They have a website if you want to check it out!!

Had Psychiatrist today.... he has said I am pretty stable on the meds I am on :D woohoo!!! He has said I can take an extra med for anxiety which is more surfacing now than ever. So I can take 4-5 of these tablets as I take them for sleep/anxiety and agitation. They help mainly for sleep though.

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5/7/11
Dear Laura,
I feel impelled to share with you something I've learned through working and loosing so many jobs. You know that I hope the best for you, and that you'll be treated fairly regarding your job. But so often, in this world, the people who own and manage 'companies' have developed strategies to protect their company legally, that they will use these strategies even when they are not being fair to the 'little guy'. And worse, if you are like me, being blamed that loosing the job was 'our own fault' is usually as bad as the actual loss of income from the job that we've lost. I just want to tell you that sometimes this will happen, and to be prepared for it. No matter what things they bring up, in order to show that you don't deserve to get to keep that job, just know that you've done many, many good things there for other people,... good things that the bosses themselves would probably not have had the patience to do, and that all that 'blame' is just a legal tactic to protect the company financially. Please don't let it get you down, if this happens. - jus'

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I've been absent for a while and today I saw this last post.
Laura, I completely agree with Jus.
Also, I'm a bit wary of psychiatrists in the sense that they tend to pop in a tablet for anything we mention.
Everybody has anxiety at some time or another in varying intensities. Being a sufferer myself, I prefer awareness exercises and if I have to take something orally, the best and safest I found is "Bach" Rescue Remedy, available in spray or drops.

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Hey Nicholas,

I take herbal stuff too for anxiety but sometimes my anxieties levels get so bad I become quite ill whihc is never good! Bach is good though :)

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I hope your trip goes well. Yes, a friend is a good idea. He brought her some good book, I hope? Jus' -;)

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+1. this is very interesting