Posted by CheshireKat on October 22 2010 03:53 PM
Laura, I'm glad to hear from you here again but I am sorry to hear about this guy online. I am over here nodding vigorously at everything Jus has said so far... she is absolutely right on all counts. And I'd like to add some thoughts of my own, too, addressing some of the things you've said.
"Well I guess I will never know what it feels like to be loved. No one loves me so why bother."
That is clearly not true, and I think you know that if you look at it from outside your depressed point of view. Your family loves you, your friends love you, and one day you will find a guy who loves you too. This guy was clearly not it, and that's NOT your fault. You had only been speaking for about a week, that is way too soon for anyone to say they love someone else anyway, much less online.
My cousin recently had something similar happen to her... she got swept up in a relationship with a guy she met online through a mutual friend, was "in love" in a week's time, flew across country to see him... and then they broke up a week later. She now has a tattoo of his name on her arm that she is going to either have to live with for the rest of her life, or have removed in a very painful and expensive procedure. But do you think that means nobody is ever going to love my cousin, that nobody loves her now? Would you say that about her? I'm sure you wouldn't, but you're saying those same things about yourself right now. Is that fair to you? It's really not. You deserve to be treated better than the way he treated you, and much better than the way you're treating yourself right now.
"What is wrong with me which makes guys become weirdo's and psychopaths etc."
What makes you think that something is wrong with YOU that makes other people start acting strangely? Do you really think any one person on the planet has the power to make other people start acting crazy just by being around them? My last boyfriend was a real whack job, does that mean that something is wrong with ME that made HIM that way? No, of course not. He is the person he is, and I am the person I am, and the person I am has no direct influence on the person he is. You can't ever change people, you can only discover who people really are on the inside. You have a history of discovering that people aren't as good as they first appeared, probably because you are a very kind and trusting person. You want to believe they are good, so you trust them easily, and then when you realize they aren't so good you feel betrayed. I'm not saying that you trusting people is bad, not at all, I'm just saying that it is less likely that you are making them act crazy, and more likely that you are finally seeing these people for who they really are after a period of time.
Laura, being bipolar hurts. It hurts bad. It makes you feel like you are defective, like you're a reject, like there's nothing good or right about you. It makes you feel unstable and like you'll never have anything good in your life because you don't deserve it. But NONE of that is true. You are not defective, not a reject, and there are plenty of good things about you, great things even. You have a lot of good in your life (your family, your friends, your job, your personality... etc.) and you will continue to have good things come your way, because you are such a good person. Being bipolar does not make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean that you deserve any bad things that may happen to you. We all have bad things happen to us, relationships that fall apart, etc. but it does not mean it happened because you have this illness... it's just life, and sometimes life hurts.
You are going to be okay. I repeat: you are going to be okay. Keep writing out your feelings, in a journal or on here or wherever you are comfortable doing so. PM me if you want to talk about things. Talk to your "real life" friends, don't be afraid to lean on them for support. Talk to your family, talk to your counselor. Don't keep these feelings pent up inside of you, no matter what, because internalizing all that pain will just make things worse. You have less than a week to hang in there until you see the psychiatrist again, and I feel pretty confident that they will make a final diagnosis of bipolar disorder and start you on new medication. The new medications are not like the antidepressants you were taking before, these medicines are made for bipolar disorder, they are much more effective. Please just hang in there and know that good things ARE coming your way. The universe is infinite in both
directions... for every bad, there is an equal good, and it will come to you eventually.